change

Lent Day 10: I give up Pointing Fingers

February 26, 2021 — 1 Comment

Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife, and in striking each other with wicked fists. You cannot fast as you do today and expect your voice to be heard on high. Is this the kind of fast I have chosen, only a day for people to humble themselves? Is it only for bowing one’s head like a reed and for lying in sackcloth and ashes? Is that what you call a fast, a day acceptable to the Lord? Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the chains of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?

Isaiah 58:3-6

I give up thinking fault can only be found on the outside and in others. Where am I culpable? Where am I responsible for the quarreling and strife? I give up pointing fingers just so I can have some semblance of “control” in directing my anger somewhere. How can I be brave in looking in and seeing where I can choose better, listen better and respond better? I give up thinking the solutions are out there when big systems change and circumstances shifts. What if the progress is in my process? What if I have more agency than I feel comfortable admitting? What if I’m just as much at fault and just as much in power? If my worth and my relevance are not wrapped up in how stable I am, will I let go more and give into what needs to change?

Lent Day 7: I give up Half-Ass Change

February 23, 2021 — Leave a comment

Is this the kind of fast I have chosen, only a day for people to humble themselves? Is it only for bowing one’s head like a reed and for lying in sackcloth and ashes? Is that what you call a fast, a day acceptable to the Lord?

Isaiah 58:5

I give up management strategies. I give up tacking on more To Do’s and Best Practices to live my Best Life. I give up the never-ending search for self-improvement. I give up the kind of change that exists mostly on the outside. I give up changes that mask the bigger issues I’ve been too scared to address. I want real transformation. I want transformation that sticks. I want transformation that expands how I see myself, how I see others and how I see the world. I want transformation that could not be fashioned by human ways; the divine and the community had to come into play. I want divine transformation. I give into divine transformation that stops me in my tracks. I give into divine transformation where I know, without a doubt, God is at play.

CBG: Reckoning

June 6, 2020 — Leave a comment

But Saul, still breathing threats and murder against the disciples of the Lord went to the high priest and asked him for letters to the synagogues at Damascus, so that if he found any belonging to the Way, men or women, he might bring them bound to Jerusalem. Now as he went on his way, he approached Damascus, and suddenly a light from heaven shone around him. And falling to the ground he heard a voice saying to him, “Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting me?” And he said, “Who are you, Lord?” And he said, “I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting. But rise and enter the city, and you will be told what you are to do. The men who were traveling with him stood speechless, hearing the voice but seeing no one. Saul rose from the ground, and although his eyes were opened, he saw nothing. So they led him by the hand and brought him into Damascus. And for three days he was without sight, and neither ate nor drank. Now there was a disciple at Damascus named Ananias. The Lord said to him in a vision, “Ananias.” And he said, “Here I am, Lord.” And the Lord said to him, “Rise and go to the street called Straight, and at the house of Judas look for a man of Tarsus named Saul, for behold, he is praying, and he has seen in a vision a man named Ananias come in and lay his hands on him so that he might regain his sight.” But Ananias answered, “Lord, I have heard from many about this man, how much evil he has done to your saints at Jerusalem. And here he has authority from the chief priests to bind all who call on your name.” But the Lord said to him, “Go, for he is a chosen instrument of mine to carry my name before the Gentiles and kings and the children of Israel. For I will show him how much he must suffer for the sake of my name. So Ananias departed and entered the house. And laying his hands on him he said, “Brother Saul, the Lord Jesus who appeared to you on the road by which you came has sent me so that you may regain your sight and be filled with the Holy Spirit.” And immediately something like scales fell from his eyes, and he regained his sight. Then he rose and was baptized; and taking food, he was strengthened.

Acts 9:1-19

This moment changed Saul’s life. A soon-to-be 180 into the Paul we know, who wrote most of the New Testament. From this moment forth, every bit of his life was about to be reimagined, redirected and redeemed for the work fo God. He was smart and educated: about to be for the glory of God. He was charismatic and inspiring: about to be for the good of the community. He was a self-righteous, committed soul: about to be for the righteousness and kingdom of God. This was the pivot…then the 3 days.

What were those “3 days without sight,” like for Paul?

A time to reflect on God’s call in: Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting me? Confession. Reflecting on how he’s persecuted the Christians. Reflecting on how he witnessed the stoning of Stephen. Owning up to all the things that have led him to this moment.

A time of uncertainty: he saw nothing. Confrontation of fears and insecurities. Facing his own humanity against God. Facing the dismantle of his securities and the reality of his limitations. Recognizing the futility of all his achievements, his upbringing, his accolades.

A time of vulnerability without defenses: without sight. Changing his heart. Shedding the self-righteous armor and ego he walked around with as Saul. Making room for whatever is about to meet him as Paul.

I feel like I’m in the “3 days without sight,” (barring the social media, news and anti-racism never-ending must-read consumption.) It’s uncomfortable. It’s scary. It’s revealing. I see the ways that I have failed humanity. I see the ways that I have failed my city, my community, my friends. I played into the white supremacist racial triangulation, myth of scarcity and fear of becoming nothing because of who I am. My own marginalization and fear of being silenced have fogged my eyes and narrowed my heart from seeing the pain of the black community, from hearing their cries against police brutality and this covert/overt racist “justice” system. I have focused on the good I’ve done rather than the bad in my being. And again, I’m in that cycle trying to fix and do in order to alleviate the pain of self-reflection and the reality of what’s to come. I am like Saul. I am Saul.

But, I am not staying a Saul. There is no way to claim the presence of God without a forever journey of stripping away that feeling of Saul-ness. On this side of heaven we are forever coming back to I am not Saul; I am Paul. Being God’s beloved child means that I am not defined by what I have done or not done, nor is this the end of my story. It means I have the power to own up to my transgressions and transform. I can own up to my wrongs with self-love.

I am an instrument of God’s kingdom. I am responsible for making the world just and merciful. I am responsible for the least of us. I am responsible for revealing and destroying evil. I am responsible for the work outside with my body and the work inside my heart.

When Ananias meets Saul, he calls him Brother Saul. Saul is about to gain a new family, a new life, a purpose worth losing everything else for, status, safety, resources and former community. But I mean, he’s about to get the Holy Spirit. Is there even a competition? Who can know what’s about to come?

Prayer: God I am your instrument of love and justice.

What do I need to lose? What is there to gain?

CBG: Offering

May 29, 2020 — Leave a comment

The apostles returned to Jesus and told him all that they had done and taught. And he said to them, “Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while.” For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat. And they went away in the boat to a desolate place by themselves. Now many saw them going and recognized them, and they ran there on foot from all the towns and got there ahead of them. When he went ashore he saw a great crowd, and he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. And he began to teach them many things. And when it grew late, his disciples came to him and said, “This is a desolate place, and the hour is now late. Send them away to go into the surrounding countryside and villages and buy themselves something to eat.” But he answered them, “You give them something to eat.” And they said to him, “Shall we go and buy two hundred denarii worth of bread and give it to them to eat?” And he said to them, “How many loaves do you have? Go and see.” And when they found out, they said, “Five, and two fish.”

Mark 6:30-38

The disciples are exhausted. They were supposed to go rest; Jesus had encouraged them to go rest. But the people and the needs followed. And so un-rested, they continued to serve. The people came and Jesus gathered them, gave them his attention, his time, his presence. The disciples noticed and knew that these people would be hungry. They were thinking ahead and suggested that the people be encouraged to go get food. It made sense. This was a plan for everyone. But Jesus throws on them another task?! They’ve already served and gave up their rest! And now Jesus expects the disciples to also somehow find enough food to feed the thousands?! They’re tired. They’re spent. Jesus, give ’em a break!!

I would have said something sarcastic, too.

Jesus, oh Jesus, doesn’t meet our sarcasm with sarcasm. He simply asks, what do you have? What can we offer? What can you offer?

You’re tired. You’re exhausted. You’ve done good. You should rest. You’ve looked at needs and still kept giving. You are tired. You are exhausted. You can’t handle another impossible thing to do, to see, to have to help with. When you’re in that exhaustion, it makes sense to see the problem as too big, too impossible. It probably is. It probably will require too much that you don’t have. Say the sarcastic thing. Make a deprecating joke. Roll your eyes. Take a breath.

What do you have? You have something! It may seem small, but you’d be surprised if you step in with faith and courage. Your offering may seem minuscule compared to the obstacle in front of you. But, the step of offering even that, of focusing on what you do have, will show you the miracle that can happen.

Prayer: God I pray that you help me focus on what I can give and what I do have rather than just looking at the challenge and mountain ahead. God I pray that you help me take small steps to change, to act, to help. The faith of a mustard seed can move mountains. I trust that.

Character: Where have I focused on the mountain instead of my ability to walk up the mountain?

Grace: Where has God showed you his abundance in the midst of our lack?

CBG: Restoration

May 10, 2020 — Leave a comment

Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin!
For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment.
Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me.
Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities.
Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit.
Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you.
Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, O God of my salvation, and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise.
For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I will give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
Do good to Zion in your good pleasure; build up the walls of Jerusalem; then will you delight in right sacrifices, in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings; then bulls will be offered on your altar.

Psalm 51

You can only live in this verse if you trust in God’s compassionate presence and recognize your own transgressions. What God desires is a humbled heart that is brave enough to see oneself and desire and believe in an imminent newness. Refreshment and restoration with God are prerequisites to restoration in our relationships, actions, self-image, speech and purpose. Seek God first and everything else will fall into place. Will you give yourself a moment now to do that?

  1. How was this week hard?
  2. How was this week clarifying?
  3. What relationships were tested this week?
  4. What relationships gave you hope?
  5. What did you discover about God’s character?

CBG: Agenda

May 1, 2020 — Leave a comment

The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst they said to him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the Law of Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?” This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus, said, “Neither do I condemn you; go and from now on sin no more.”

John 8:3-11

How often do we use people as examples for our own agendas? We miss the humanity right before our eyes and aim only to protect our own culture. How often do we get tunnel vision because of our own agendas? We ask the wrong questions and are shocked by answers that reveal our own pain. How often do we think in terms of old narratives to justify our own agendas? We miss the new life right before our eyes. I hope every accusation we have against another is a truer opportunity to self-reflect and shift. I hope our grip on old ways of living that gave our lives a sense of certainty and structure would give way to a more faithful, unpredictable journey of undoing and relearning.

I hope we know that unlike humans who are wrapped up in self-agenda, God does not condemn us. He doesn’t condone the harmful ways we live and act, and he beckons us to change in privacy. He doesn’t expose us as a display for other humans to learn. God exposes us so we can experience an intimacy and a connection. Even as God tells us to sin no more, he knows that’s impossible on this side of heaven. What he is encouraging us is to do is make a choice to turn from our former ways that amount to deeper pain and loneliness, and instead to turn to a new way of wholeness and faith. It won’t be perfect, but simply because it’s a continual act does not mean we don’t keep trying.

Prayer: To stop justifying, figuring things out, testing God. To see what’s presented before us and receive.

Character: What actions, thoughts and stories create more harm, self-reliance and disconnection in your life? What is the cost of shifting?

Grace: Where in you life have you felt the grace of God over and over again?

CBG: Reflection

April 19, 2020 — 1 Comment

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.
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Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous ways in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 139: 1-5, 23-24

Self-reflection and quiet meditation to hear God’s voice are courageous acts. It requires surrender. It acknowledges that you don’t have the full picture. It allows another to reflect who you are. When we have the right God — one who is kind, compassionate and ever-for-our-good — we learn to trust being seen. And if we are in consistent practice with God, it will overflow to our trust in being seen by humans. Take some time. Sit with the questions. And whatever form responses come is perfect.

  1. How have you been brave?
  2. Where has fear dictated how you acted?
  3. Who are you when you are quiet?
  4. Who do you want to become?
  5. What questions do you have for God?
  6. How do you want God to respond?

CBG: #9

March 29, 2020 — 1 Comment

Indeed, in this case, what once had glory had come to have no glory at all, because of the glory that surpasses it. For if what was being brought to an end came with glory, much more will what is permanent have glory. Since we have such a hope, we are very bold, not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face so that the Israelites might not gaze at the outcome of what was being brought to an end. But their minds were hardened. For to this day, when they read the old covenant, that same veil remains unlifted, because only through Christ is it taken away. Yes, to this day whenever Moses is read a veil lies over their hearts. But when one turns to the Lord, the veil is removed. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.

2 Corinthians 3:10-18

Let’s have this weekly rhythm of an unveiling, a reflection, an inventory of ourselves. In the presence of God, we can be exposed without judgment. The sin in the garden was the hiding due to shame. We do not need to hide. We can cast away shame. Doing this reflection consistently, does not only reveal how you are shifting from glory to glory, but the catapult to shifting. You are in the process of sanctification you champion! This kind of heart work is creative, brave & generous.

  1. What question(s) were you attempting to answer?
  2. What emotion(s) were most present?
  3. When did you feel the presence of God’s peace & calm? Who were you with? What were you doing?
  4. What brought you joy?
  5. What revealed your heartbreak?
  6. What is one change you can make this week to create more safety, unity and kindness for yourself and others?

Drop an answer in the comment. We are in this journey together!