character

CBG: Hardened

May 8, 2020 — Leave a comment

Sow for yourselves righteousness, reap steadfast love; break up your fallow ground, for it is the time to seek the Lord, that he may come up and rain righteousness upon you.

Hosea 10:12

I wish integrity could always be felt. I want to feel genuinely and act from there. It’s as if an action can only be authentic if it’s motivated by a genuine felt experience. How often is this prerequisite an excuse for not doing, an excuse to skip out on things that make me feel uncomfortable, a justification for lazy covered up in the notion of “boundaries” and “self-care”?

Side: I am the biggest advocate for boundaries and I think it’s brave to draw them out. Do your boundaries honor your sense of worth or do they seek to make you feel more worthy? These are very close neighbors. Boundaries stemming from self-worth may feel uncomfortable, racked with thoughts of, “I feel bad,” “What if they think I’m…” However your self-worth will not be contingent on the response. On the other hand, boundaries that aim to impress your worthiness have whiffs of ego-building, self-centeredness and imminent fear of the recipient’s response.

Back to integrity of our actions: sometimes we cannot wait to feel before we act. What if our hearts are built on fallow ground? Are we going to wait for the ground to magically soften? Wait for someone else to tend to the plot of heart? Sometimes the only way to release our hearts from hardness is to act in love and do right. It’s refusing to let a hardened heart dictate your life. It’s taking action because even if you don’t feel the Holy Spirit at work, s/he’s at work. It’s a greater integrity than alignment between actions & feelings; it’s an integrity between actions & God in you. Break up your fallow ground! Throw down the rake hard. See cracks form. The season of tenderness is around the corner.

Prayer: God I pray for a tender and soft heart. God I pray for a dependence on the Holy Spirit when I feel paralyzed in my actions. God I pray for an integrity that is aligned with who you have called me to be: a child full of worth and purpose.

Character: Where are you seeking worth?

Grace: What does a tender heart feel like?

CBG: Pain

May 7, 2020 — Leave a comment

After this, Jesus knowing that all was now finished, said (to fulfill the Scripture), “I thirst.” A jar full of sour wine stood there, so they put a sponge full of the sour wine on a hyssop branch and held it to his mouth. When Jesus had received the sour wine, he said, “It is finished,” and he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.

John 19:28-30

Jesus was going to die. What would a sip of hydration going to do? He’s dying. He’s thirsty. He gets sour wine.

There are some days, like today, when you hear about another innocent black man who is murdered by white supremacists who are not held accountable for their hate, that there is nothing that can quench the pain and suffering. No words. No amount of money. No justice that will bring back Ahmaud’s life.

What can quench the anger? What can quench the injustice? What can salve the pain? What can make us believe, again and again, that we are progressing? What glimmer of hope is now?

God’s justice doesn’t seem to break through. God’s eventual reign doesn’t seem to break through. I somehow find comfort in Jesus’ death and pain. That he suffered till the very end. That he suffered because of a friend’s betrayal. That he suffered for us, who forget, who often don’t give a shit. Jesus suffered hard. My greatest hope is that Jesus’ sacrificial love moves our anger to sadness to love to the most faithful and courageous action.

Prayer: God I pray for justice. I pray for comfort. I pray for your light to break through the darkness.

Character: Where can I redirect my anger more in the direction of love?

Grace: Where in your body can you make room for God’s grace?

CBG: Rejoicing

May 6, 2020 — Leave a comment

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Romans 5:1-5

Tell someone who is suffering to rejoice and when they punch you in the face, I wouldn’t be surprised. Tell someone that their suffering produces character so that they get perspective also merits a punch in the face. Tell someone in the throes of their suffering that it will eventually culminate in hope isn’t salve. It can feel like lemon juice on a paper cut.

Rejoicing is an internal reminder between you and God. It should not be an unrequested reminder from someone on the outside looking at someone’s pain. It can be a prayer for you to have for another, that they will experience relief and purpose and hope in the midst of suffering. Pray so that they will know their suffering is not in vain. Pray that for yourself.

When I am in pain, I am not celebrating with tambourines or animal balloons. When I am in pain, it is not helpful to put on a smile and have some perspective. That will lead to untimely blow ups and deep rooted resentment. When I am in pain, in Christ and in patient small steps, I have access to former moments of peace and to future promises of healing. Will these recollections remove my pain? Not necessarily. However it might pull your mind and body out of circumstances and into a greater reality untouched by circumstances, like God’s character and presence. It might for a brief moment transport you to a quiet and still moment where you can hear God’s whisper that he’s right there with you. It might for a moment remind you, you are not your circumstances or your pain; you are the character and the worth strong enough to still exist in the pain and circumstances. Rejoicing isn’t a party. It’s the act of separating what’s real and what’s forever truer. It’s glimpses of clarity between the unchangeable goodness and the current details. It’s the ability to breathe, hold space and not react, just be. We can rejoice if we have once experienced wholeness. In Christ, that will always be available for us.

Prayer: God I pray for a sensitivity and a courage to face suffering, in myself, in others and in the world. God I pray that I would not cease praying for relief and hope for those in pain. God I pray that if there are actions not due to my own discomfort but resulting from generosity and justice, I will execute them.

Character: Where do you less need plot and more character building?

Grace: Recall the last time you were in heartbreak and pain. Even if you are in a different one today, you are not in the former one and that is victory. What does that mean for you?

CBG: Vulnerability

May 5, 2020 — Leave a comment

O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!
You have set your glory above the heavens.
Out of the mouth of babies and infants, you have established strength because of your foes, to still the enemy and the avenger.
When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?
Yet you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings, and crowned him with glory and honor.
You have given him dominion over the works of your hands; you have put all things under his feet, all sheep and oxen, and also the beasts of the field, the birds of the heavens, and the fish of the seas, whatever passes along the paths of the seas.
O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!

Psalm 8

It takes a minute to receive a passage like the one above. If you are in a state of irritation, annoyance, anger, frustration, Psalm 8 feels trite. A lot of passages about God’s goodness and glory feel inappropriate according to our present attitudes. Within irritation, annoyance, anger and frustration is a sense of injustice that can armor us up. It is a tightening for safety. It is a pointing outward at all that is out of line and wrong. You have the right to do that. No one can deny your experience. No one can urge you to be soft when you feel slighted and scared and forgotten. I only ask, does the hardening harm you or help you? Is a softening more work or less work? What are you protecting when you harden? What and who are you forgiving when you soften? What will it take for you to feel vindicated? What needs to break for you to heal?

Psalms like the above can only enter through a porous vulnerability. Vulnerability is a conversation between protection and surrender, the risks and the gains. Vulnerability is a rebalancing of trust between that which we have given to humans and that which we give to God. Psalms of God’s goodness and love for us hold their weight most in our surrender. This life is an asymptote to that surrender, so have much grace when you’re not there yet have much hope that you are ever approaching that openness.

Prayer: When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him? When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him? When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?

Character: Where are you hard?

Grace: Where has Jesus demonstrated his redemption in the midst of that specific hardness?

CBG: Sacrificial Love

May 4, 2020 — Leave a comment

Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with out hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

Hebrews 10:19-25

What an elaboration of the summation verse from 1 Corinthians 13, And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.

Why is the blood of Jesus and his flesh necessary for us to enter the holy places? What is the holy places? As a humanity, we too, need a human manifestation to viscerally and holistically know and experience God. That is the significance of God in the flesh, God on earth, God among us as Jesus Christ. It’s our way into the sacred through the profane. It’s our way into our holy through a form our current beings can understand. The blood of Jesus, (if we are willing to look beyond the nature of a violent gruesome capital murder because it eventually leads to the most glorious of rebirths), point to an unfathomable sacrificial love. A love so deep and free from any obligation on our part that it pulls us in. Sacrificial love is the ultimate way into connection and vulnerability. That is what exists in the holy places. It is a sanctuary before and with God that is void of any pretense and armor. In that place the unnecessary burdens and cares of this world fall away and we are built up with hope and faith to reenter to love and encourage others.

Through the sacrificial and visceral love of Jesus Christ, we are able to access a vulnerability that cleanses us and builds us up to in turn love and sacrifice others. Without the former, it can feel exhausting and impossible to do the latter. Without the former, it can feel obligatory and unnecessary to do the latter. Without the former, we cannot fully access vulnerability. It’s all about the love. It has to start from there, and we have full access to it.

Prayer: Lord, help me to always play the love, see the love, know the love that is in you. God help me to lay my armor down. God help me to be an encourager instead of a hater. God help me to live in a confidence marked by sacrificial love.

Character: Where have I let doubts and worries tamper my hope?

Grace: What does it feel like when I am in the holy places?

CBG: Hope

May 2, 2020 — Leave a comment

Now Peter and John were going up to the temple at the hour of prayer, the ninth hour. And a man lame from birth was being carried, whom they laid daily at the gate of the temple that is called the Beautiful Gate to ask alms of those entering the temple. Seeing Peter and John about to go into the temple, he asked to receive alms. And Peter directed his gaze at him, as did John, and said, “Look at us.” And he fixed his attention on them, expecting to receive something from them. But Peter said, “I have no silver and gold, but what I do have I give to you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk!” And he took him by the right hand and raised him up, and immediately his feet and ankles were made strong. And leaping up he stood and began to walk, and entered the temple with them, walking and leaping and praising God. And all the people saw him walking and praising God, and recognized him as the one who sat at the Beautiful Gate of the temple, asking for alms. And they were filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to him.

Acts 3: 1-10

I’ve been comparing myself a lot, feeling sad and scared that I won’t amount to anything and my norm will be not enough, small and mediocre. And as much as I know all the pithy sayings about comparison, it’s hard to squelch it and suddenly feel contentment. I want a lot in life and I don’t apologize for it. I feel a lot and I don’t want that to stop. I have big hopes and dreams that feel indulgent to verbally express to other people. And where I am today feels not enough. I hate this sinking, dissatisfied, gray lodged in my throat. How do I get back to the joy? How do I get back to the child?

This lame begger leapt in joy. He praised without bounds. He celebrated. Why? How? How do I get some of that?

He had settled for alms to get him through each day, physically alive. He made the best of his situation. He didn’t care who saw his state. Even if he thought Peter was nuts, he still played along because buried deep in his despair and settling was a glimmer of wild hope. That spark of flickering hope sustained him to now and gave him the courage to raise his hand to be held. And it’s in that moment when he stands and feels the strength in his ankles that he saw that dim hope explode. No matter how dim, how small, how undetectable most days, it is that hope we must come back to.

Hope that despair and disconnection don’t last. Hope that healing is possible. Hope that someone sees you. Hope that your calling is purposeful. Hope that the next minute might be better. Hope that it will all one day make sense.

Prayer: God I pray that hope of you will manifest in my thoughts, actions and words.

Character: Where is comparison wrecking your vision of hope and joy?

Grace: What miracles have you witnessed this past week?

CBG: Judgment

April 30, 2020 — Leave a comment

I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people — not at all meaning the sexually immoral of this world, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters, since then you would need to go out of the world. But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler — not even eat with such a one. For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? God judges those outside. “Purge the evil person from among you.”

1 Corinthians 5:9-13

My blood boils. The intolerance. The judgment. The contradictions in this compared to Paul’s previous statement about not judging. I keep reading the verses to understand. I read it again, through the “lenses of a good compassionate God.” I read the whole passage — okay, this was in the context of Paul addressing a man sleeping with his stepmom. Okay, okay? This passage still pisses me off. What about that plank in your own eye, Paul?! Church people?!

Can I toss this passage away? Why was it included? Because a set of old white men decided what should be the canon?! Why was this included? What does it reveal about Paul? About us? About God?

Look out: Paul was on the far, far other side before Jesus. He was a proud, angry, over-educated man of society. I wonder if he still carries those traits into his new self. I wonder if his “passion” and once-again certainty makes him say things without thinking about the emotional impact of others. I wonder if he’s so desperate for people to know a transformative Jesus that he himself is impatient when he doesn’t see how others aren’t already on the same page as him. Paul is flawed. Paul is imperfect. Paul can be wrong.

Look in: …name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler — Christian, you are that brother. How quick we are to point to that person whether it’s in pity or in disgust. How quick we are to judge and dissociate. Are we cutting others out to protect our image and flow? Or is knowledge of another’s behavior information for us to tailor our acts of grace and patience for them? Is knowledge of another’s behavior fuel for us to take personal responsibility to be less greedy, less manipulative, more careful with our words and more focused on God’s call on us?

Look up, in & out: God can handle our questions and our doubts. God doesn’t fit in human wisdom. God’s grace and compassion are boundless. God warns to draw in. God love to change. God shifts our behavior, our thoughts, our whole beings.

Prayer: God help us move from anger to action. God remove the parts of us that want to be tribal. God help us work through uncomfortable relationships.

Character: Who have you been judging? What does your judgment reveal about you?

Grace: Where do you feel not enough for God and for others? How are those exact places your unique power for the community?

CBG COVID Challenge: #7

March 27, 2020 — Leave a comment

And the word of the Lord came to Zechariah, saying, “Thus says the Lord of hosts, Render true judgments, show kindness and mercy to one another, do not oppress the widow, the fatherless, the sojourner, or the poor, and let none of you devise evil against another in your heart.

Zechariah 7:8-10

Even if it’s permissible, is it kind?

Even if you’re hurt, can you show mercy?

Even if you’re overwhelmed, can you see another’s pain?

When you have nothing, can you show kindness and mercy to another?

Kindness is one of the most underrated traits. Yet it is the one thing that will set you apart in times of impatience, of self-preservation, of irritation, of uncertainty. It breaks though the boundaries we’ve unconsciously and consciously created for safety and survival so, we can see each other, see the deep needs to understand how to care well. And the only way to survive is to take care of one another. (Grace Lee Boggs)

Prayer: Kindness — What is in the way of this, for others and for yourself?

Creative: Sit still and daydream. And/or go watch Paddington Bear 2.

Brave: Where have you gotten a no? Revisit that ask.

Generous: Encourage someone today who you “think doesn’t need it.”