curiosity

Blinding Lights

September 21, 2020 — Leave a comment

Meanwhile, Saul was still breathing out murderous threats against the Lord’s disciples. He went to the high priest and asked him for letters to the synagogues in Damascus, so that if he found any there who belonged to the Way, whether men or women, he might take them as prisoners to Jerusalem. As he neared Damascus on his journey, suddenly a light from heaven flashed around him. He fell to the ground and heard a voice say to him, ‘Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?’

‘Who are you, Lord?’ Saul asked.

‘I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting,’ he replied. ‘Now get up and go into the city, and you will be told what you must do.’

The men traveling with Saul stood there speechless; they heard the sound but did not see anyone. Saul got up from the ground, but when he opened his eyes he could see nothing. So they led him by the hand into Damascus. For three days he was blind, and did not eat or drink anything.

Acts 9:1-9

Are we imprisoned by certainty & anger? Are we set and determined down a path of destruction, thinking others will get hurt when the resentment is only killing us? Are you being called to let all that shit go?

Saul had all his armor: his achievements, his purpose, his status, his community, his resume on paper. God needed to blind him, to set his eyes on something new. God needed to make him helpless and dependent in order for him to starve out the toxins that were in his body. What will it take for you to let go of your armor, detox and drop whatever is making you tense and tight?

What is your anger covering up? Where do you feel injustice? How would you like the world to be? Why? Who would benefit if you got this world? Would it make you more vulnerable and empathetic? If you got this world, would it bring people together or tear communities apart? I hope that under our righteous anger is a compassion for humanity and a hope that renewal is possible & coming. I pray that you can let the anger point to the compassionate fragile beautiful heart inside that God wants to use, and actually, can only use. Be caring. Be fragile. Let go of that armor.

Unmasking with Friends

September 15, 2020 — Leave a comment

Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth.
Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; someone else, and not your own lips.
Stone is heavy and sand a burden, but provocation by a fool is heavier than both.
Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?
Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
He who is full loathes honey, but to the hungry even what is bitter tastes sweet.
Like a bird that strays from its nest is a man who strays from his home.
Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel.
Do not forsake your friend and the friend of your father, and do not go to your brother’s house when disaster strikes you — better a neighbor nearby than a brother far away.
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Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.

Proverbs 27:1-10, 17

There is nothing like crisis or the stripping away of routines & busyness to examine the health of our lives. We examine by looking truthfully at our relationships. Our relationships reflect what we care about, how we handle community and how we grow, and don’t grow. Every relationship is a mirror of us. Why are you connected to this person? Why are you still connected to this person? How do you care for this person? How does this person care for you?

This time is hard not being able to meet up with friends with the same ease and convenience like we once experienced. Even in those few times I do get to see my friends, it either feels heavier or so precious that after separation I sit with a depression hangover. I pray that still we push through and fight for those precious moments, and be honest with each other. There is little room and energy to keep being armored and masked. The world has stripped us of that so can we do that in our relationships. Can we be vulnerable and kind and honest? Can we truly, truly desire the good of those we love by showing up fully and showing up fully for them? Iron sharpens iron. This moment feels like a deep sharpening and that is painful. May we in this process experience the deep intimate love of true relationships.

The Testing of Friendships

September 7, 2020 — Leave a comment

When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, ‘Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?’ ‘Yes, Lord,’ he said, ‘you know that I love you.’ Jesus said, ‘Feed my lambs.’ Again Jesus said, ‘Simon son of John, do you love me?’ He answered, ‘Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.’ Jesus said, ‘Take care of my sheep.’ The third time he said to him, ‘Simon son of John, do you love me?’ Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, ‘Do you love me?’ He said, ‘Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.’

John 21: 15-17

It doesn’t feel good either to be the recipient or the reason for a broken relationship. A bad conversation. A surprising revelation of one’s character. Two life paths diverge because of exhaustion, unresolved resentment or lack of interest. Relationships build us up and tear us down, and we want the kind that tear down our walls, not our worth.

How often are we like Jesus, the one who was rejected and abandoned, yet also the one who later seeks out reconciliation? How often are we like Peter, set on our timeline of forgiveness and reconciliation and hurt when it doesn’t go as planned?

True friendships are difficult. The ones built to last go through fires, fights and forgiveness. It requires courage and humility to be the first to approach even when you have been wronged. It requires vulnerability to outwardly ask for care and respond with care. The journey of moving through different seasons of relationships often contain hurt, pain, repetition and uncomfortable intimacy. True friendships are worth it because as messy as the relationship between Jesus and Peter is, they exist when two people with the same mission towards humanity find each other. That is rare and testing in these scenarios can only survive if the calling and purpose remain at the core.

If you didn’t hold so dearly to your pride and ego, who would you reach out to? If you didn’t worry so much about your reputation or the sunk cost of friendship building, who would you let go? If you think about your deepest purposes in life, who do you feel safe to share those deepest secrets?

I lack nothing

September 1, 2020 — Leave a comment

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Psalm 23

What are green pastures when the clouds overhead are gray and the days are foggy? What are quiet waters when it feels like news bombs drop like clockwork? What does being refreshed in my soul feel like?

What is rest and coolness when you’re in a state of rage? What is calm when the noise in our heads is on blast? What is refreshment when you’re so depleted?

What is a gentle pause and moment of acceptance in the face of the reality we are in right now? What is the cost of allowing for a full deep breath when the world charges that you must have answers now? What parts of my body can I actually drop and relax?

Where is the permission to feel the heartbreak of the world without being deemed melodramatic? Where is the freedom to no longer curate and smile in spaces that make us smaller and invisible? If I’m exhausted, where have I been running, going, trying to get to?

Can I lie down and feel the ground hold me up? Can I focus on the beauty and glisten of light? Can I take care of myself or let another take care of me?

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. What do I have now that I haven’t noticed? What do I need to be complete and what does that reveal about what I value? If in my feeling of being nothing, I also lack nothing, what does it mean to see this moment as utterly important for my purpose and path that is being revealed?

CBG: Justification

June 9, 2020 — Leave a comment

And behold, a lawyer stood up to put him to the test, saying, “Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?” He said to him, “What is written in the Law? How do you read it?” And he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.” And he said to him, “You have answered correctly; do this, and you will live.” But he, desiring to justify himself, said to Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?” Jesus replied, “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and he fell among robbers, who stripped him and beat him and departed, leaving him half dead. Now by chance, a priest was going down that road, and when he saw him he passed by on the other side. So likewise a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he journeyed, came to where he was, and when he saw him, he had compassion. He went to him and bound up his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he set him on his own animal and brought him to an inn and took care of him. And the next day he took out two denari and gave them to the innkeeper, saying “Take care of him, and whatever more you spend, I will repay you when I come back.” Which of these, do you think, proved to be a neighbor to the man who fell among the robbers?” He said, “The one who showed him mercy.” And Jesus said to him, “You go, and do likewise.”

Luke 10:25-37

The lawyer entered this engagement to test God and justify himself. In that posture, he already has the answers and isn’t here to be changed. He already thinks he’s right. He merely engages to showcase publicly and to God his knowledge and reasonableness. Jesus’ brilliant response to the deeper heart posture of the question rather than the question expands the lawyer’s concepts of neighbor and love and demonstrates the futility of justifying one’s righteousness before God. Simply, do the work.

Approaching God with curiosity is vulnerable. That sort of curiosity connotes humility and an openness to change. We lay our knowledge and reasonableness before God in order for him to reveal the gaps in them. We lay our achievements and our accolades before God so that he can point us to where are our next steps. We lay our lives down to pick them back up in the direction of God’s work. The surrender and the curiosity are followed by listening and then action.

We don’t need to approach God for justification. There is NOTHING we can do to justify ourselves. However, Christ has already, and if you believe that, you can approach God unarmored and ready. But whatever God says might not be what we want to hear because the plans and purposes God has for us are so much bigger than we could ever imagine. As we expand our capacity for love and act upon that, it will take us to places that no knowledge and no reason can explain. That is living by grace, by faith and with God.

Prayer: I don’t want to justify myself anymore. I don’t need to prove that I am right before your eyes. Help me to receive your discipline and your directions courageously knowing that there is nothing on earth that can separate me from the love of God. Help me to listen well and act without missing a beat.

When you feel like you already know or feel a need to justify yourself, what are you trying to protect? Who are you afraid of? What happens if you cannot justify yourself before others?

Day 33: What goes in must come out

January 18, 2019 — Leave a comment

Leviticus 11-13; Psalm 33

There is nothing wrong with a kid who plays in mud and gets dirty. It’s normal. It happens to all kids who play in mud. It might even be a little cute. Until that muddy kid wants to jump right into your fluffy white comforter. Even the path he takes to get there — the muddy footsteps, the small handprints on the wall, The flinging of mud here and there — you get it, might get dirty. Being unclean isn’t wrong. It only becomes an issue when it comes in contact with something that reveals the uncleanliness by messing with what it comes in contact with, in a negative way. I don’t want a muddy white comforter.

Same with here. There’s nothing wrong with the unclean, unless it messes with the goodness of that around it. What makes us unclean is no longer eating this or that, but how we present ourselves. Do your speech and actions defile the good around you? Do your words negatively impact those who hear it? Does your silence and inaction harm those around you? Does your passionate unswerving speech condemn those around you? It is not what goes in that makes us unclean; it’s what comes out. But sometimes what goes in affects what comes out. If I eat a lot of garlic, my body smells like garlic. If I listen to the same kind of person talk, I might unintentionally quote them or phrase like them. Awareness!

So listen to your rap music, watch your Game of Thrones, read your romance Harlot novels, use your vibrator, eat your chips — I mean it. But if those things affect how you interact with those around you with less care, compassion and love, maybe reconsider? Is there a correlation? No judgment. Just curiosity and awareness that lead to potential change.