emo

Day 42: Get low

January 27, 2019 — Leave a comment

Numbers 8-10; Psalm 42

Deeps calls to deep. Don’t be afraid of the deep moments that bring us into spaces of unknown and darkness. Whether life does it or you do it to yourself, there can be good in that hole. It really is at our most downcast, confused and heartbreaking times that we can draw out our deepest desires and hopes. When we are downcast, we are to allow for it. Allow for the questions. Allows for the sadness and sorrow and tears. We are called to remember what God has done for us, even if it feels more like past stories than present realities. We are called to ask ourselves what is wrong? We are called to ask God to take us out? We are allowed these moments of melodrama because it’s for the sake of hope we mourn. We mourn because we know hope is the better and realer reality. We mourn the current when we trust that the future holds a confident good. Mourn away and be on the ground, but look up at the hope that draws you another day.

And one last thought, the Levite’s, the priests, were given to the people as a gift. Are our modern day priests gifts to the people or are they more like burdens? Are people blessed by the presence of those who deem to know God?

Day 22: EMO Woe

January 7, 2019 — Leave a comment

Exodus 16-18; Psalm 22

There are days that you are given the double portion in order to have a day of rest. We are given abundance in order to allocate well and plan for the future. That is as much a part of the story as trusting God for daily manna. We need to both trust daily, and take just as much as one needs daily, not more and not less, while being prepared for days when we cannot work and toil. Do we toil sometimes and never enjoy the fruits of our labor on rest days? Let rest exist. Let hard work exist. Let daily trust exist. Let interdependence exist.

Psalm 22 is super emo and desperate sounding. It’s often how I feel inside but I’m afraid to be that open about it. How can one be truthful with how one feels without feeling needy? As I’m typing this I’m in an emo mood. When you’re self-conscious about coming off too desperate or needy, you second guess asking every show of emotion. Or at least I do. Then I just become a bottled up bitter mess. So how can I be present in my feelings such as being forsaken and abandoned without making others eye roll? Do I need to care? Or is it presenting where you’re at in a certain place without needing anything from a human listener? I mean the best thing anyone can do when you’re so stuck and entrenched in your feelings is just listen. Because as you listen, you help unravel the blinders around me and pull me out of my woe is me. I never want to be in my woe is me phase but sometimes I’m there and your clarifying questions and care can help pull me back to the surface.