emotional vulnerability

Lent 2022: How’s Your Spirit?

March 6, 2022 — 1 Comment

A friend just asked me, how’s your spirit?

I respond: I’m fine.

She follows up: Are you really?

I think and respond: I don’t know…

I do know, but I got scared to say it because I didn’t want to disappoint her or tarnish her idea of who I am. I think she assumes I’m really strong and courageous. I am those things, but I’m also often really terrified. Because what I wanted to say, or actually, let me give myself some grace. Maybe I really didn’t know how my spirit felt, but after the breath and the pause, I do know.

Without self-pity, I feel like a disappointment. I feel like a loser. I feel like I’ll never live up to my potential. I feel scared. I feel lonely. I feel like my ship has sailed. I feel that my self-sabotage is too strong for me to break. I feel that my self-judgment is too thick for me to tear down. I want to feel confident and patient. I want to trust in god’s timing. I want to be fully seen.

Lent Day 43: I give up My Reluctance to be Needy

April 1, 2021 — Leave a comment

Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

Isaiah 58:9

I give up drowning without calling out for help.
I give up holding it together.
I give up keeping it strong.
I give up looking cool.
I give up stuffing it down.
I give up the fear of looking needy.
I give up the fear of looking too sad.
I give up the fear of looking too angry.
I give up the fear of looking too heartbroken.
I give up the fear of being human.
I give up the fear of my wholly moley imperfections.
I give up the fear of my gaping holes that need filling.
I give up my armor.
I cry for help.
Help comes.
This I believe.

Lent Day 38: I give up the Shame around Being Too Much

March 26, 2021 — Leave a comment

Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter — when you see the naked, to clothe them, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

Isaiah 58:6-9

I give up the shame around feeling like I’m too much. I do have big wants. I do have big dreams. I have high hopes for our humanity. I imagine heaven is possible. I believe that hope is possible. I believe that healing is possible. My strength lies in my ability to still want so much and believe too much when there exists the high and painful risk of disappointment. I never want to lose that ability to dream and imagine. I want that to be my guide. I want to hold in my heart the possibility of Revelation 21 and the reality of the Garden of Eden. There is beauty. There is hope. There is togetherness. There is a nakedness that is welcomed and loved. I pray that I allow for these things that make me bright and big.