guilt

Then seizing [Jesus], they led him away and took him into the house of the high priest. Peter followed at a distance. And when some there had kindled a fire in the middle of the courtyard and had sat down together, Peter sat down with them. A servant girl saw him seated there in the firelight. She looked closely at him and said, ‘This man was with him.’

But he denied it. ‘Woman, I don’t know him,’ he said.

A little later someone else saw him and said, ‘You also are one of them.’

‘Man, I am not!’ Peter replied.

About an hour later another asserted, ‘Certainly this fellow was with him, for he is a Galilean.’

Peter replied, ‘Man, I don’t know what you’re talking about!’ Just as he was speaking, the rooster crowed. The Lord turned and looked straight at Peter. Then Peter remembered the word the Lord had spoken to him: ‘Before the rooster crows today, you will disown me three times.’ And he went outside and wept bitterly.
Luke 22:54-62

Why did Peter stick so close to the friend he kept rejecting? Why did Peter still stick around as he kept denying his affiliations with Jesus? Peter wanted to know what was going to happen to Jesus without experiencing the consequences himself. Peter still felt drawn to the Lord, but seeing what was happening to the Lord, felt it safer to keep a distance. How can we sometimes be so close to someone yet actually be so far away?

Regardless of his overt verbal rejections, Peter was already recognized and labelled as someone who knew Jesus. People saw him frolicking with Jesus. People knew Peter’s background. People knew that there was something between Peter and Jesus regardless of what he was saying in this fearful dark moment. I am both comforted and anxious about this . It gives me comfort because no matter how much I verbally reject God or distance myself from other Christians, I am and will forever be marked as a child of God. The experiences with God, the experiences of God and the experience of God with me are forever mine and continue to shape me. I may reject God in moments, but I am always his and he is mine. This also makes me anxious because no matter how much I try to run and hide, people may see and smell the Jesus on me. There’s a standard and a way of being that I feel an account. There’s a relationship that still takes up room in my heart. I always know when I am deviating from that standard and relationship.

People think much about the person who gets rejected, but there is a pain in being the person who rejects. Psychopaths aside, rejecting someone can come with it guilt, bitterness and brutal self-reflection. If you have been rejected, may God sit with you in that sorrow and wash away any notions of unworthiness. If you have rejected, may God sit with you in that sorrow as well and wash away the grip of guilt.

And when he returned to Capernaum after some days, it was reported that he was at home. And many were gathered together, so that there was no more room, not even at the door. And he was preaching the word to them. And they came, by bringing to him a paralytic carried by four men. And when they could not get near him because of the crowd, they removed the roof above him, and when they had made an opening, they let down the bed on which the paralytic lay. And when Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytics, “Son, your sins are forgiven.”
Mark 2:1-5

All my family and many of my friends live in New York City. It’s grim looking at the numbers and seeing the city close down. When I shared this with a friend, her response to alleviate my anxiety was positive information, backed by the research of a doctor. Instead of feeling better, I actually felt worst about my anxiety, even borderline guilty for “being negative,” or “living into the media fear.” Then right before I went to bed, I was scrolling Upworthy videos and the tears could not stop flowing. The amount of love and joy and community I witnessed moved me, inspired me, and alleviated my fear. Why did the positive news leave me feeling more anxious whereas the good news Upworthy videos stir up hope?

In my fears and in my anxieties, there is a gap between what I am witnessing in reality and what I hope the future will be like. In the first response, my reality was denied. How I was seeing the world was questioned and how I was feeling underneath was not addressed. That leaves you in doubt, exposed and unsteady. In the latter, it wasn’t that my reality was confirmed; it was an alignment with the spirit in me: that there is a reality being acknowledged WHILE actions being taken to suggest a better future. That is hope. It is in the same hand holding what is, and what is possible: love, progress, community. It is acknowledging the pain of the situation without letting the situation stop you from doing good. Hope is a faith that what is does not define us, or even the whole reality. It is a faith that says heaven and healing are possible.

Like Fred Rogers said, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people helping.” The friends of the paralytic acknowledged the situation. They saw their friend’s pain and suffering. They saw the gap. So they stepped in. They said, but …maybe…what if…there’s got to be more to this story! We will jump from being the helper to being the paralytic. In either role, hope gently pats reality in the back and says, you don’t have the last word!

Prayer: Release the guilt of having fear, doubt, panic. Acknowledge that it stems from a faith that things can be different and things are currently not right.

Creative: Write out a few scriptures, mantras, messages on cards and stick them where you can see them!

Brave: Is there a tough conversation you need to have? Have it…

Generous: Is there someone who would really benefit from you being a friend who listens?

Are you there God?

It's me, Nancy.

Reject Me Not