Jesus

Psalm 13: Express your Vengeance

January 19, 2020 — Leave a comment

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

There is nothing wrong with expressing your anger and even your desire for revenge. Sometimes the injustice of the world and your own loneliness are so palpable they overflow into cursing everyone else, especially those who seem to get away with everything. This world has full of those injustices. Those who deserve judgement may never get it. This who are helpless stay in their pits for way too long.

Express it fully.

Speak it out.

How much you want evil to crumple!

How much you want to be pulled out of the cave!

How God has forgotten you.

He hasn’t, but it certainly feels like it.

And your feelings are valid.

Violence is a response to unspoken anger.

Violence is what happens when we bottle it up and the lid explodes uncontrollably.

But if we can honestly express.

Honestly hear what we express.

We might see some of the things we hold as true, are not as true as the fact that —

God will come.

God has come.

God is here and has not left you.

Feel that fully.

Embrace that fully.

Speak out in praise!

John 15: You’re doing good when you’re being stripped

January 19, 2020 — Leave a comment

Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit.

How do you know you’re bearing fruit? When you’re getting pruned! When you’re being stripped. When you’re feeling exposed. When you’re getting smaller but more focused. You’re bearing fruit when it hurts. When you’re in the process. When you’re growing out of your old clothes and still trying to find new clothes to wear.

You bear fruit not in the stagnant. You bear fruit when you’re not thinking about the fruit, but just trying to stay alive and attached. You bear fruit not when you notice it, but when others see you remaining in the fire.

How do you know you’re bearing fruit? When it feels like you’ve got more to bear. Persevere. Stay the path. That’s bearing fruit.

John 13: Out of everything we serve

January 15, 2020 — Leave a comment

Jesus knowing that God had given everything to him, gets on his knees to wash his disciples feet. His act of service flows from abundance, from knowing that he lacks nothing and from knowing his cup has everything. His act of service is not to get anything or to prove anything. It is simply out of abundance and love.

What motivates us to serve? What motivates us to give? Is it out of knowing that we already have everything or is it out of trying to get something?

You ever get that icky feeling when someone tries to help you. Like you owe them something? You ever get that icky feeling when you try to help? And you have a slight, maybe minuscule feeling of bitterness when your service isn’t acknowledged? Our service and generosity MUST flow from an inner abundance and fullness so that all we do is not to get, but simply to exist. Without the inner abundance and security, everything we do has a disclaimer or a need.

What areas of your life do you feel lack? How can God fill those so we don’t attempt to be the filled by those in this world?

John 12: “Evangelism”

January 14, 2020 — Leave a comment

He has blinded their eyes

and hardened their heart,

lest they see with their eyes,

and understand with their heart, and turn,

and I would heal them.

There is a gentleness in God’s constant, hard pursuit of us. He doesn’t push his way in or sneak through the back. Like a shepherd who knows his sheep, he simply walks through the door. He doesn’t push his way in when we are closing ourselves. He doesn’t plead and beg for us to believe. God simply presents, and comes back and presents and waits patiently for us. Even when all the signs and words and every thing of this world points to him, he doesn’t make a glaring neon sign to draw attention. God simply is. He simply trusts. She simply waits with open arms.

Yet why is our evangelism nowadays so brutal and offensive? Why do we insist on pushing our way through closed doors, making it more about OUR WORK rather than the people we seemingly love?

Can we carry into our love and pursuit for others, gentleness, faith & patience? It is not US who can open any hearts or eyes. It is GOD. Our job is to simply draw attention, draw out curiosity and then point it all back to Jesus.

John 10: Knowing the Voice

January 13, 2020 — 1 Comment

There are so many damn voices. Loud ones. Sultry alluring ones. Witty and enticing ones. Every voice is vying for our attention. Every voice wants us to listen and follow. Social media. Instagram. All the damn tv shows on all the damn networks. Which voice are we supposed to follow? How do we know? How do we know this is God? How do we know which voices to tune out and which one to tune in to?

We need to know what quiet sounds like. We need to know what complete surrender feels like. We need to be so blank and so silent that there’s a clearing. A nothingness. A lack. A valley. Then in that empty, in that nothing, what voice calls not for anything you can provide but simply for your vulnerability, truthfulness & openness?

What voice makes you feel exposed in a way you’ve longed for but you’ve never felt courageous enough to do to yourself? What voice exposes you so you can see yourself with no shame, no guilt, but with a brave curiosity and desire to shed & become!

Sh*t Christians Don’t Say: Dis-honor Ma & Pa

July 12, 2019 — Leave a comment

Honor your mother and father. One of the 10 commandments. Growing up hearing this over and over again, against the backdrop of a father who tried to kill me with a chair and a mother who shamed me for how dark my skin is, was difficult. Honor your mother and father. I would look up passages and search and ask to see if there was any way around this commandment. How could I honor people who harmed me? How could I continue to honor those that made me feel invisible and small?

When I tell people I’m not close to my family, people say I get that, me too. Then those same people proceed to share how they’re going on vacay with their family or how their dad sent them an article to read. I am not close to my family. They don’t ask me questions. They don’t know when I’m sad. We sit quietly at home, like true strangers in the facade of relatedness.

When I tell people, I don’t like my family. I often get, they’re doing the best they can. If you want to, you can. They’re parents etc. I’m a grown woman and my drunk dad told me I’m a disappointment and he’s been tolerating me. I’m a grown woman and as I leave to go back to LA, my dad doesn’t make eye contact with me, but instead as I’m leaving, says I’m a liar. I have no integrity. Yeah. I had written him a card saying when I was in New York I would take him out to eat. I forgot and I didn’t follow through. That’s my fault. But instead of bringing it up, he aggressively calls me a liar and shamed me as I leave. And the only reason why I know it has something to do with this meal promise is because my mom later sends me 15 voice mails about how I failed there. Yes. I didn’t follow through and fine, I lied. I made a promise and I failed. But is the way to deal with me to shame me, yell at me and make me truly never want to take him out for a meal? Also why does he want that when he doesn’t even talk to me when I’m home? He does nothing but mutter under his breath how I suck and then drink. It’s not even 9am.

When I tell people, I hate my family, I feel judged. I believe people think I’m being dramatic and callous. My parents are immigrants who sacrificed so much for me. And now there is never room for me to hate them. At what point am I no longer held to this filial obligation for something I had no control over? How much shame, fear and anger must I endure for me to have enough reason to draw my boundaries.

Honor your mother and father. I feel shame around that commandment. I feel that I will never do that enough. Is me coming home every time even after such horrific times, good enough? That’s my version of forgiveness but I can’t forget. It’s in my body. I’m miserable when I’m home. I want to cry but there’s no where to cry and as I’m writing this on the subway, I have to be careful that the floodgates don’t suddenly open.

How do I DIStance myself and not DisHonor? Does that make you more comfortable? If I never see my parents again, I really would not be sad. They haven’t been part of my life. When I think of my blood family, I am filled with grief, hurt, sadness and fear. I don’t like who I become. I don’t like how trapped I feel. Am I allowed to DISHonor my parents? Truth is, they probably already see me as a dishonorable dishonest daughter.

Sh*t Christians Don’t Say: Masturbation

June 26, 2019 — Leave a comment

I was 17 when I grabbed Nick A’s crotch and asked him if he was having an orgasm. He wasn’t, I don’t think…could my innocent Christian hands coming in contact with his vulnerable gems make him cum..? Anyway, the point is, I had no idea what orgasms were. I probably heard it in passing and here I was drunkenly letting my suppressed curiosity bust out.

And of course innocent, save myself for marriage teenage self, won a sex basket my freshman year in college. It had lube and condoms and I think TWO vibrators. I never win raffles but God thought this was the surprise I needed in my life. Then I proceeded to have sex for many years, and I think I never had an orgasm. It’s no one’s fault. I didn’t know. They didn’t know. We all moaned along so no feelings were hurt and relationships were preserved. I didn’t know my body well enough and I didn’t know who to turn to to ask about how to feel my very best. We all want to come but we don’t know who to go to. At least I didn’t. I was already dealing with a low grade of Christian guilt having sex before marriage, so I wasn’t about to really welcome the devil by really accessing all the feels.

I got a purple vibrator in the mission after college, as most do when you’re free and in San Francisco. D. A. M. N. That was what I was missing this whole time. Why would God give me a sensual biological needy body and prevent me from enjoying it fully? Why would God create the opportunities for climax when we are taught to only walk through the valleys of shadow and death? Is our Christian obsession with suffering so evasive it’s blocked out access to peak human living and loving, may I say?

Then I really had a Jesus encounter when I moved to LA. I will never forget God’s full embrace of bitter, lonely, lost Nancy. I will never forget the feeling of someone having my back, always. I will never forget my response of, alright, I’m yours. Tell me what’s next. And thus led into my long beautiful journey with the Christian church. I met the bestest of people who are my dearest of friends. I’ve had ideas of family redeemed. I’ve learned the difference between forgiveness, reconciliation and forgetting. I’ve also tucked myself into a narrow hole of sexual repression in the name of boundaries for the name of said Christ. If I am to truly follow Jesus, I am to lay myself down, ignore my bodily impulses, not be selfish and wait to come with another. Masturbation required list and lust was sin. Masturbation is self indulgent and true Christians put others first. Sexual acts, regardless of the number of parties required, are reserved for covenants. Single, you WAIT and ENDURE till you get to the merry other side. And we all know the other side is equally fucked.

But I was a leader. I was a FOLLOWER. I loved Jesus. I spent days and months googling, is masturbation a sin? Can I masturbate without lust? Does masturbation really ruin my future marriage? And after my solo google research, I confessed my sin of self pleasure and tossed away my beautiful vibrator.

And I stopped masturbating. So I stopped lusting and felt complete in Christ alone in my singleness. The end. SAID NO ONE EVER.

I got myself a new sleek AF vibrator. I would vibrate with a blank mind, with nothing but presence, and still come. I would vibrate with pop music. Still came. Sometimes, yes, I did think about a dude I had the hots for and yes I still came. Is that really SO BAD? Am I really using the dude by making him the center of my affections and body exploration? I don’t know. I don’t feel guilt. I feel like a child with a lot to learn. I still feel really shy, but I’m also proud my body works and I get to be a woman who also has the right to come. Why would God make us with a clitoris and g-spot? To dangle them under us all day and night to tempt us, to test us, to see how much we can suppress and repress?

Are there dangers to masturbation? There were nights when I felt really shitty and lonely and dealt with it by vibing. Maybe I band-aided my pain with a little self-love? There was one night I made plans with a guy and before meeting him I had a little fun and actually didn’t want to see him anymore. Damn it, did I feel content without said guy who was actually not good for me?!

Why is the church so afraid of me getting to know my body when we so readily forgive a dude from jacking off because HE JUST CAN’T biologically help it?! What kind of patriarchal blatant bull shit is that? How is my exploration and owning of my body a threat to your family/marriage structure? Are you afraid that you can’t control me with your singleness is a gift sweet nothings? Are you afraid that if I masturbate, I might not see the beauty of marriage? Sweet audience, I can’t wait to get married and bone my hubby all day and night and you know what, me getting to know my body now, will be a gift to my marriage.

xo

Sh*T Christians Don’t Say: Sex

June 25, 2019 — Leave a comment

I had sex a few weeks ago. And, I don’t feel guilty about it. I feel like I’m supposed to because as much as we preach in the church, don’t feel guilt and shame, I’m still supposed to feel that sort of guilt that proves that I actually love Jesus THE MOST which is best shown if I feel guilt for having sinned. I don’t.

I loved how close my body was to this incredibly attractive guy who I also respected. I loved the way he kissed me. When I think about the time, yep, I still smile and giggle.

But hey, after having sex with said cute gentleman, I do get WHY Christians preach the “save yourself for marriage.” The rigid, one-size-fits-all, headed by fear and tailed by guilt rule stems from a truly good heart of wise protection. What God intends as wisdom, Christians like to draw strict boundaries for control. God intends to protect us from harm. He has our best interest at hand. He does. He really does! After sleeping with cute gentleman, I thought about him, a lot. I fantasized about what we could become. I checked his social media. When he texted, my heart skipped a beat. And audience, I only met the guy. We hung out for maybe 48 hours and here I am about to plan a wedding. If I had not slept with him, I probably would not have wasted precious minutes, hours, whatever don’t judge, dreaming up a world where I very much felt like I was in love. (I’m a scorpio so I’m obsessive with everything.) I would have saved myself the disappointment because truth is, it’s probably not going to happen. It was a one night stand. The end. So the “save yourself for marriage” team, you’re still on the scoreboard.

BUT if I didn’t sleep with him, I would not have realized my engrained desire to perform and make sure my partner feels good, and not give 2 shits about myself. I experienced the deep insecurity I felt about my body. I was obsessed with him feeling good, again, could give 2 shits about myself. I felt that my worth was tied up in my performance. (Enneagram 3) Why did I feel a need to show hard, I was having a good time, instead of just being present with how I was feeling? I’m so needy. I also learned I really love intimacy, all of it. Physical. Emotional. Spiritual. And I often neglect the physical because I’ve been told it’s slutty, tempting for others, desperate…I like to be told I”m beautiful. I like to feel another beating heart next to mine. So yes, I have spent precious minutes thinking about said cute gentleman, but I’ve also spent a lot of time reflecting on my own body and sexuality because of this experience.

Is the bit of obsession, slight heartbreak/disappointment that I know I will get over worth a lesson on myself? I’m probably not a one night stand kinda girl because this is my tendency. And now I know. I don’t need the attached guilt with the lesson. I don’t think Jesus is pissed at me. I think he might be like…well, what did you learn? how do we move forward? cool! still here with you baby girl.

Some of you Christians out there might be saying, oh just you wait. In 10 years the guilt will smack you hard in the face…when you’re married, it’s going to affect you in this way…you just don’t KNOW how it’s going to affect you? Well, look, do we ever? Get your guilt and shame away from me. Get your control away from my wisdom and faith. I love Jesus. I love being a woman. I want to explore my sexuality and sometimes it means talking about sex real explicitly and sometimes it means, well…let’s leave some things to the imagination.

xo

Day 62: Teetering between good & bad

February 16, 2019 — Leave a comment

Deuteronomy 28-29; Psalm 62

It’s not so black and white between obedience and disobedience is it. There are two Deuteronomy verses here to tell you the fruit and consequences of obedience and disobedience respectively. But if life is a constant teetering between the two, are our results also a mixture of both? I also don’t want to go about like trying to be obedient in order to get blessings. I know that’s not the purpose of these passages, but sometimes when you read these over and over, they kind of put God and human behavior in a box. God is kinda fluid and pretty darn compassionate. Humans are 100% a mixture of trying to do good, the occasional good, and lots of messing up. I think the obedience and disobedience more speak to a heart posture. Who are you serving? Who do live your life for? And even in that, your actions might stray but your heart can be still. You might turn a bit, but your feet are rooted.

So I’m grateful most for Jesus and how he’s a constant reminder that we can’t go too far. Because of him, we know God loves us, even in our messiest and most disobedient states. We’re always teetering between the two sons — the self-righteous son and the prodigal son. Neither are great most of the time; it’s about the loving father who knows how to communicate to both when needed. Praise God for his love for us. I need to really feel some today.

Day 57: Tired

February 11, 2019 — Leave a comment

Deuteronomy 13-14; Psalm 57

God tests us…to see whether we will be tempted by other Gods…to see if we really love him…Now if God were human I would say he was a jealous mofo, kind of sneaky and manipulative and has some trust issues. Nobody’s trying to holler at this kind of God. Alright if God is not all these negative emotion, what is he like?

I love God dwelling within us.