judgment

Vigilance in Thanksgiving & Prayer

January 21, 2021 — Leave a comment

For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all God’s people, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him as his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also the one to come.

Ephesians 1:15-21

Are we so moved by the faith others have in God and their love for people that we are continually thankful for them and keep them in our prayers? I certainly catch myself skeptical that anyone has this faith and love. I stop myself because I’m so concerned with judging whether their faith is big enough and love for others obvious enough. I am guilty of this when I think of the Americans to tout Jesus name while storming the capitol during an insurrection. I am guilty of neglecting those who say they are Christians yet act in a way that doesn’t align with my beliefs. I want to block these people out on the basis that my reason for even thinking and praying for them does not exist. And I move on, and life goes on.

But what if? What if I hold the first part of this clause loosely and expand my awareness and heart to people who exclaim faith in God and people who love, with less judgment and more compassion, and shift to the prayer portion. What if instead of writing others off, I am vigilant about praying that wisdom and truth for all, including myself? What if I am vigilant with being thankful and staying in gratitude and service? What if I am vigilant about my OWN faith in God and my OWN love for God’s people, and praying for myself to grow in awareness, truth and wisdom? I think this place of non-judgment and expansion is the only healthy and potentially most effective/efficient way to spur action. Vigilance in prayer inevitably lead to action. Prayer is active. Prayer is shifting our hearts and the hearts of others so that we come into alignment with God’s purposes of unity and redemption.

My prayer is that we let go of our need to fix others, focus on how we can up our faith and love, and in turn inspire others to do the same through tangible demonstration.

CBG: Pride

June 8, 2020 — Leave a comment

Lest you be wise in your own sight, I do not want you to be unaware of this mystery, brothers: a partial hardening has come upon Israel, until the fullness of the Gentiles has come in. And in this way all Israel will be saved, as it is written, “The Deliverer will come from Zion, he will banish ungodliness from Jacob”; “and this will be my covenant with them when I take away their sins.” As regards the gospel, they are enemies for your sake. But as regards election, they are beloved for the sake of their forefathers. For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable. For just as you were at one time disobedient to God but now have received mercy because of their disobedience, so they too have now been disobedient in order that by the mercy shown to you they also may now receive mercy. For God has consigned all to disobedience, that he may have mercy on all. Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!

Romans 11:25-33
A letter to my Queer Eye Loving Christians or Christians in general

Prayer: God shake our knowledge and remove our grip on knowing so we can expand our faith in you.

What part of your identity is attacked when your ideology is challenged?

CBG: Agenda

May 1, 2020 — Leave a comment

The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst they said to him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the Law of Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?” This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus, said, “Neither do I condemn you; go and from now on sin no more.”

John 8:3-11

How often do we use people as examples for our own agendas? We miss the humanity right before our eyes and aim only to protect our own culture. How often do we get tunnel vision because of our own agendas? We ask the wrong questions and are shocked by answers that reveal our own pain. How often do we think in terms of old narratives to justify our own agendas? We miss the new life right before our eyes. I hope every accusation we have against another is a truer opportunity to self-reflect and shift. I hope our grip on old ways of living that gave our lives a sense of certainty and structure would give way to a more faithful, unpredictable journey of undoing and relearning.

I hope we know that unlike humans who are wrapped up in self-agenda, God does not condemn us. He doesn’t condone the harmful ways we live and act, and he beckons us to change in privacy. He doesn’t expose us as a display for other humans to learn. God exposes us so we can experience an intimacy and a connection. Even as God tells us to sin no more, he knows that’s impossible on this side of heaven. What he is encouraging us is to do is make a choice to turn from our former ways that amount to deeper pain and loneliness, and instead to turn to a new way of wholeness and faith. It won’t be perfect, but simply because it’s a continual act does not mean we don’t keep trying.

Prayer: To stop justifying, figuring things out, testing God. To see what’s presented before us and receive.

Character: What actions, thoughts and stories create more harm, self-reliance and disconnection in your life? What is the cost of shifting?

Grace: Where in you life have you felt the grace of God over and over again?

Sh*t Christians Don’t Say: Dis-honor Ma & Pa

July 12, 2019 — Leave a comment

Honor your mother and father. One of the 10 commandments. Growing up hearing this over and over again, against the backdrop of a father who tried to kill me with a chair and a mother who shamed me for how dark my skin is, was difficult. Honor your mother and father. I would look up passages and search and ask to see if there was any way around this commandment. How could I honor people who harmed me? How could I continue to honor those that made me feel invisible and small?

When I tell people I’m not close to my family, people say I get that, me too. Then those same people proceed to share how they’re going on vacay with their family or how their dad sent them an article to read. I am not close to my family. They don’t ask me questions. They don’t know when I’m sad. We sit quietly at home, like true strangers in the facade of relatedness.

When I tell people, I don’t like my family. I often get, they’re doing the best they can. If you want to, you can. They’re parents etc. I’m a grown woman and my drunk dad told me I’m a disappointment and he’s been tolerating me. I’m a grown woman and as I leave to go back to LA, my dad doesn’t make eye contact with me, but instead as I’m leaving, says I’m a liar. I have no integrity. Yeah. I had written him a card saying when I was in New York I would take him out to eat. I forgot and I didn’t follow through. That’s my fault. But instead of bringing it up, he aggressively calls me a liar and shamed me as I leave. And the only reason why I know it has something to do with this meal promise is because my mom later sends me 15 voice mails about how I failed there. Yes. I didn’t follow through and fine, I lied. I made a promise and I failed. But is the way to deal with me to shame me, yell at me and make me truly never want to take him out for a meal? Also why does he want that when he doesn’t even talk to me when I’m home? He does nothing but mutter under his breath how I suck and then drink. It’s not even 9am.

When I tell people, I hate my family, I feel judged. I believe people think I’m being dramatic and callous. My parents are immigrants who sacrificed so much for me. And now there is never room for me to hate them. At what point am I no longer held to this filial obligation for something I had no control over? How much shame, fear and anger must I endure for me to have enough reason to draw my boundaries.

Honor your mother and father. I feel shame around that commandment. I feel that I will never do that enough. Is me coming home every time even after such horrific times, good enough? That’s my version of forgiveness but I can’t forget. It’s in my body. I’m miserable when I’m home. I want to cry but there’s no where to cry and as I’m writing this on the subway, I have to be careful that the floodgates don’t suddenly open.

How do I DIStance myself and not DisHonor? Does that make you more comfortable? If I never see my parents again, I really would not be sad. They haven’t been part of my life. When I think of my blood family, I am filled with grief, hurt, sadness and fear. I don’t like who I become. I don’t like how trapped I feel. Am I allowed to DISHonor my parents? Truth is, they probably already see me as a dishonorable dishonest daughter.

Day 20: The discomfort of God’s judgment

January 5, 2019 — Leave a comment

Exodus 10-12; Psalm 20

I may never fully understand how God could kill all the firstborn of Egypt. How could he murder all those people, regardless of they were evil or not? How could he cause such sorrow and suffering? Is this how vindication and justice look — unfair and cruel? How do I reconcile the God I believe to hold (kind, forgiving, gracious, patient) with this God who kills children and adult? It’s a sign that calls people to repentance. Is that enough? So we sacrifice a few for the many? Was there no other option? Hm. Maybe this was the only option to free the oppressed? Revenge on the oppressors’ children? I don’t know. It’s part like this in the Bible that make my head hurt and I want to discard God’s actions. If he is good, how can this section be good as well? Someone help me understand!

Of course this all points to Jesus, God’s firstborn. He allows for him to die for the sake of us all. His sacrifice covers any judgment we might have received from God. This aspect of Jesus also seems grueling and hard for me. How can I take from this sacrificial love? Is it literal? Yea… But I think Jesus fulfills more than a blood sacrifice so God no longer condemns us to hell — it’s rather the depths and lengths that God would go to remind us of his love. Kill his son? Hold to his holiness while bridging us imperfect to him? Jesus both holy and able to be with the imperfect. May we be like that!! May whatever we touch also turn good and feel a surge of power and life!