New Testament

Faith with no Doubt

September 11, 2020 — Leave a comment

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not supposed that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

James 1:5-8

Let him ask in faith with no doubting.

Think of a time when you were in such desperation and lack. When you asked God or, when you were so exhausted and downtrodden that you simply through your needs out there in an informal, messy, uncurated manner, there was no room for disclaimers or caveats. You asked, you begged, you cried out for help because you were already so broken and down, a crumb from the sky would have been a miracle. Those are moments of faith with no doubting.

Asking in faith with no doubt isn’t only in a move-mountains strength.
Asking in faith with no doubt is a vulnerable and surrendered posture. Asking in faith with no doubt isn’t simply reciting God’s word back to God.
Asking in faith with no doubt is an intimate and honest blurt of your need. Asking in faith with no doubt isn’t always pretty and brings up congregation AMEN’S.
Asking in faith with no doubt is quiet, desperate and gray.

Where doubt can seep in to destroy the faith and surrender you had is after you receive from God. How often do we get the thing we asked and we start questioning our worth for receiving said gift? How often do we get handed the exact thing we needed and start doubting that we deserve to be getting it? How often does doubt destroy the worship we would have given back to God?

I have been honest about feeling lonely and lacking in community. Yesterday I had the most incredible repetition with a friend that showed me the depths of intimacy and family. Yet during it, I felt so guilty for laying my truest self on my friend. Later that night, I received an email about an acting scholarship. I was floored that I actually received it and immediately started to doubt that I should be getting it. They certainly made a mistake. If not, I needed to do everything to prove that I deserve the scholarship. My mind went spiraling that I couldn’t even enjoy the gift. So to me and to you:

You received because you had faith and you have a good God. Your worth was the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Receive it humbly, praise without bounds and show up fully as your gift in return.

Ready to Mingle

September 10, 2020 — Leave a comment

And they devoted themselves to the apostles teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. And all who believed were together and had all things in common. And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, praising God, and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved.

Acts 2:42-47

What a fellowship! What a community! How do we have any of this now when the kindest and wisest thing is to limit gathering? Moreover, how do we have this kind of community when our hearts are discouraged, hurt and distrusting of the church? What is my part to play?

I will never forget my first year in Los Angeles. It was in my community group that I met my first & best friends, reopened my heart to God and ate a lot of delicious free food. When my grandma passed away, my community group rallied around me to pray for my family’s healing and for my time back home. It was in that fellowship that I came to know the tangible power of Jesus, the presence Holy Spirit and the provision of the Father. Fast forward to now, I feel very disconnected and disheartened by the church. Like with any group of people, I have experienced judgments, relationship fall outs, disagreements that seem to divide more than show diversity and distance. Some in part because I pulled away with the expectation that someone would come get me, and didn’t. Some because I no longer tolerate the wrongs I once allowed because I didn’t want to make others uncomfortable. So here I am, feeling separated and distant from the thing that once upon a time brought me so much healing, joy and belonging.

So with my heart bruised and weary, I read Acts 2 knowing that, yet still, it is a community of vulnerability, generosity and joy that I need. Where can I be more vulnerable, generous and grateful? With whom can I exhibit more of these to build this Acts 2 community? And this is the hardest: what will it take for me to still have faith and hope that it is worth it to be surrounded by people who love God? Can past memories and miracles propel be back into that space of faith? Can letting go of resentment and judgment bring me back into the fold of relationships that are actually ready for me? Who can I invite into this process of rebuilding my trust in church?

I read Acts 2 with such jealousy and longing. I miss and need so much of what it talks about. The devotion to learning together. The breaking of bread together. The prayer together. The generosity and gladness experienced together. The growth in friendships. These things without the together, feel lacking and sad. Virtual fellowship falls short. Podcasts come and fade. I wish I had the solution for you, for me. I’m here acknowledging that I miss these things and I want these things, and we need to do that first. God, open my heart to see where opportunities for safe community lie in today’s landscape. I’m ready.

The Testing of Friendships

September 7, 2020 — Leave a comment

When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, ‘Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?’ ‘Yes, Lord,’ he said, ‘you know that I love you.’ Jesus said, ‘Feed my lambs.’ Again Jesus said, ‘Simon son of John, do you love me?’ He answered, ‘Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.’ Jesus said, ‘Take care of my sheep.’ The third time he said to him, ‘Simon son of John, do you love me?’ Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, ‘Do you love me?’ He said, ‘Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.’

John 21: 15-17

It doesn’t feel good either to be the recipient or the reason for a broken relationship. A bad conversation. A surprising revelation of one’s character. Two life paths diverge because of exhaustion, unresolved resentment or lack of interest. Relationships build us up and tear us down, and we want the kind that tear down our walls, not our worth.

How often are we like Jesus, the one who was rejected and abandoned, yet also the one who later seeks out reconciliation? How often are we like Peter, set on our timeline of forgiveness and reconciliation and hurt when it doesn’t go as planned?

True friendships are difficult. The ones built to last go through fires, fights and forgiveness. It requires courage and humility to be the first to approach even when you have been wronged. It requires vulnerability to outwardly ask for care and respond with care. The journey of moving through different seasons of relationships often contain hurt, pain, repetition and uncomfortable intimacy. True friendships are worth it because as messy as the relationship between Jesus and Peter is, they exist when two people with the same mission towards humanity find each other. That is rare and testing in these scenarios can only survive if the calling and purpose remain at the core.

If you didn’t hold so dearly to your pride and ego, who would you reach out to? If you didn’t worry so much about your reputation or the sunk cost of friendship building, who would you let go? If you think about your deepest purposes in life, who do you feel safe to share those deepest secrets?

CBG: Fear

June 11, 2020 — Leave a comment

On that day, when evening had come, [Jesus] said to them, ‘Let us go across to the other side.’ And leaving the crowd, [the disciples] took him with them in the boat, just as he was. And other boats were with him. And a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke him and said to him, “Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?” And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, “Peace! Be still.” And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, ‘Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?’ And they were filled with great fear and said to one another, ‘Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?’

Mark 4:35-41

The disciples blamed Jesus for the waves and storm. The disciples accused Jesus of not caring when they were freaking out. The disciples also knew that Jesus could do something about their fears.

Cursing the storm and waves can feel futile. It would make sense to blame who and what brought them on this boat, the person who put them in this situation. Their fears projected into blame and anxiety.

Jesus wasn’t upset with the disciples’ fears. If your boat is sinking in the water, you should feel afraid. It’s their reaction to the fear that reveals their lack of faith. They questioned God’s character and projected their future. When our circumstances bring up fear, does it shake our view of God? That God is intentionally putting us in harm’s way? When we are afraid do conjure up a reality that is not true?

The beauty of Christ is that even in our fears and in our lack of faith, he still shows his power. He still rescues us. He still reveals his goodness. He isn’t a tit for tat kind of God. He meets our lack with wholeness.

Prayer: God help me to voice my fears without being consumed by them. Help me to be afraid without blame and resentment. Help me to be afraid in the moment without coloring my whole future as hopeless. Help me to see you are in the boat with me.

How are you processing fear right now?

CBG: Justification

June 9, 2020 — Leave a comment

And behold, a lawyer stood up to put him to the test, saying, “Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?” He said to him, “What is written in the Law? How do you read it?” And he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.” And he said to him, “You have answered correctly; do this, and you will live.” But he, desiring to justify himself, said to Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?” Jesus replied, “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and he fell among robbers, who stripped him and beat him and departed, leaving him half dead. Now by chance, a priest was going down that road, and when he saw him he passed by on the other side. So likewise a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he journeyed, came to where he was, and when he saw him, he had compassion. He went to him and bound up his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he set him on his own animal and brought him to an inn and took care of him. And the next day he took out two denari and gave them to the innkeeper, saying “Take care of him, and whatever more you spend, I will repay you when I come back.” Which of these, do you think, proved to be a neighbor to the man who fell among the robbers?” He said, “The one who showed him mercy.” And Jesus said to him, “You go, and do likewise.”

Luke 10:25-37

The lawyer entered this engagement to test God and justify himself. In that posture, he already has the answers and isn’t here to be changed. He already thinks he’s right. He merely engages to showcase publicly and to God his knowledge and reasonableness. Jesus’ brilliant response to the deeper heart posture of the question rather than the question expands the lawyer’s concepts of neighbor and love and demonstrates the futility of justifying one’s righteousness before God. Simply, do the work.

Approaching God with curiosity is vulnerable. That sort of curiosity connotes humility and an openness to change. We lay our knowledge and reasonableness before God in order for him to reveal the gaps in them. We lay our achievements and our accolades before God so that he can point us to where are our next steps. We lay our lives down to pick them back up in the direction of God’s work. The surrender and the curiosity are followed by listening and then action.

We don’t need to approach God for justification. There is NOTHING we can do to justify ourselves. However, Christ has already, and if you believe that, you can approach God unarmored and ready. But whatever God says might not be what we want to hear because the plans and purposes God has for us are so much bigger than we could ever imagine. As we expand our capacity for love and act upon that, it will take us to places that no knowledge and no reason can explain. That is living by grace, by faith and with God.

Prayer: I don’t want to justify myself anymore. I don’t need to prove that I am right before your eyes. Help me to receive your discipline and your directions courageously knowing that there is nothing on earth that can separate me from the love of God. Help me to listen well and act without missing a beat.

When you feel like you already know or feel a need to justify yourself, what are you trying to protect? Who are you afraid of? What happens if you cannot justify yourself before others?

CBG: Reckoning

June 6, 2020 — Leave a comment

But Saul, still breathing threats and murder against the disciples of the Lord went to the high priest and asked him for letters to the synagogues at Damascus, so that if he found any belonging to the Way, men or women, he might bring them bound to Jerusalem. Now as he went on his way, he approached Damascus, and suddenly a light from heaven shone around him. And falling to the ground he heard a voice saying to him, “Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting me?” And he said, “Who are you, Lord?” And he said, “I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting. But rise and enter the city, and you will be told what you are to do. The men who were traveling with him stood speechless, hearing the voice but seeing no one. Saul rose from the ground, and although his eyes were opened, he saw nothing. So they led him by the hand and brought him into Damascus. And for three days he was without sight, and neither ate nor drank. Now there was a disciple at Damascus named Ananias. The Lord said to him in a vision, “Ananias.” And he said, “Here I am, Lord.” And the Lord said to him, “Rise and go to the street called Straight, and at the house of Judas look for a man of Tarsus named Saul, for behold, he is praying, and he has seen in a vision a man named Ananias come in and lay his hands on him so that he might regain his sight.” But Ananias answered, “Lord, I have heard from many about this man, how much evil he has done to your saints at Jerusalem. And here he has authority from the chief priests to bind all who call on your name.” But the Lord said to him, “Go, for he is a chosen instrument of mine to carry my name before the Gentiles and kings and the children of Israel. For I will show him how much he must suffer for the sake of my name. So Ananias departed and entered the house. And laying his hands on him he said, “Brother Saul, the Lord Jesus who appeared to you on the road by which you came has sent me so that you may regain your sight and be filled with the Holy Spirit.” And immediately something like scales fell from his eyes, and he regained his sight. Then he rose and was baptized; and taking food, he was strengthened.

Acts 9:1-19

This moment changed Saul’s life. A soon-to-be 180 into the Paul we know, who wrote most of the New Testament. From this moment forth, every bit of his life was about to be reimagined, redirected and redeemed for the work fo God. He was smart and educated: about to be for the glory of God. He was charismatic and inspiring: about to be for the good of the community. He was a self-righteous, committed soul: about to be for the righteousness and kingdom of God. This was the pivot…then the 3 days.

What were those “3 days without sight,” like for Paul?

A time to reflect on God’s call in: Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting me? Confession. Reflecting on how he’s persecuted the Christians. Reflecting on how he witnessed the stoning of Stephen. Owning up to all the things that have led him to this moment.

A time of uncertainty: he saw nothing. Confrontation of fears and insecurities. Facing his own humanity against God. Facing the dismantle of his securities and the reality of his limitations. Recognizing the futility of all his achievements, his upbringing, his accolades.

A time of vulnerability without defenses: without sight. Changing his heart. Shedding the self-righteous armor and ego he walked around with as Saul. Making room for whatever is about to meet him as Paul.

I feel like I’m in the “3 days without sight,” (barring the social media, news and anti-racism never-ending must-read consumption.) It’s uncomfortable. It’s scary. It’s revealing. I see the ways that I have failed humanity. I see the ways that I have failed my city, my community, my friends. I played into the white supremacist racial triangulation, myth of scarcity and fear of becoming nothing because of who I am. My own marginalization and fear of being silenced have fogged my eyes and narrowed my heart from seeing the pain of the black community, from hearing their cries against police brutality and this covert/overt racist “justice” system. I have focused on the good I’ve done rather than the bad in my being. And again, I’m in that cycle trying to fix and do in order to alleviate the pain of self-reflection and the reality of what’s to come. I am like Saul. I am Saul.

But, I am not staying a Saul. There is no way to claim the presence of God without a forever journey of stripping away that feeling of Saul-ness. On this side of heaven we are forever coming back to I am not Saul; I am Paul. Being God’s beloved child means that I am not defined by what I have done or not done, nor is this the end of my story. It means I have the power to own up to my transgressions and transform. I can own up to my wrongs with self-love.

I am an instrument of God’s kingdom. I am responsible for making the world just and merciful. I am responsible for the least of us. I am responsible for revealing and destroying evil. I am responsible for the work outside with my body and the work inside my heart.

When Ananias meets Saul, he calls him Brother Saul. Saul is about to gain a new family, a new life, a purpose worth losing everything else for, status, safety, resources and former community. But I mean, he’s about to get the Holy Spirit. Is there even a competition? Who can know what’s about to come?

Prayer: God I am your instrument of love and justice.

What do I need to lose? What is there to gain?

CBG: Faithfulness

May 26, 2020 — Leave a comment

And [Jesus] said, “There was a man who had two sons. And the younger of them said to his father, “Father, give me the share of property that is coming to me.” And he divided the property between them. Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had and took a journey into a far country, and there he squandered his property in reckless living. And when he had spent everything, a severe famine arose in that country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him into his fields to feed pigs. And he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything. But when he came to himself, he said, “How many of my father’s hired servants have more than enough bread, but I perish here with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants.” And he arose and came to his father.

But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. And the son said to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.” But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost and is found. And they began to celebrate.

Now his older son was in the field, and as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. And he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant. And he said, “Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf, because he has received him back safe and sound.’ But he was angry and refused to go in. His father came out and entreated him, but he answered his father, ‘Look, these many years I have served you, and I have never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him!’ And he said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost and is found.”

Luke 15:11-32

I want to be like the Father in this story: generous, quick to forgive and gentle. His younger son had squandered his money, disgraced the family name, broken up the family and yet, he sees the heart of the matter. His son was lost and is now found! Everything else — material, past hurts, pains — pale in comparison to this true victory! When his older son is angry, he listens and then beckons him in with love.

However, we are often like the children. Some days we are the younger son — impulsive, short-sighted and self-deprecating. YOLO at its finest. He goes from living big and large to forsaking his identity to become a servant. Other days we are very much the older son — rigid, slightly resentful and victim-prone. He lives his life in a particular order from a place of obligation and systems rather than from freedom and love. The sons are so involved with themselves that they miss the presence of their father, their reason, their security, their everything.

The father is faithful both to the son who hurts him and to the son who resents him. He sees his sons, their identity that cannot be marred by circumstances. He remembers how they were as children. He remembers how they have loved him and needed him, and truly will always need him. He hopes even when he’s been hurt. He draws near even in the face of hard impenetrable armor. He sacrifices his goods because they are not sacrifices; they are celebrations! The father is faithfulness embodied. Faithfulness defies reason. Faithfulness draws from love. Faithfulness is an unbreakable vow that can’t be explained with words. Faithfulness is a promise to hold and love even when the object of our affections doesn’t return the same.

Prayer: God I pray for a faithfulness to your sanctification and your guidance. I pray to be tethered to nothing else, but your call and purposes for my life. I pray that that faithfulness to you will bring me to places that make no sense, people that make no sense and purposes that are aligned with your heart.

Character: Where, what and who have you been holding out of obligation?

Grace: Where, what and who have held you?