Numbers

Day 43: Romanticizing the past

January 28, 2019 — Leave a comment

Numbers 11-13; Psalm 43

On lonely nights I remember my ex fondly. I remember how we were innocent kids who shared dreams and drinks. I remember how he told me I was beautiful and that he would marry me one day. And I miss him and I start to think that maybe it could really still work out for him. Of course I forget all my crying, all our fights, all the awful things that can’t be unsaid. Of course I forget the aching pain of leaving someone who you know doesn’t care for you the same way. The pains become foggy and I romanticize the past. Don’t we all do that when we’re unhappy with our current state but don’t have a viable future ahead? Don’t we romanticize the past when we feel stuck right now and not sure if things are really going to turn out better in the future? And I plead with you, that when you start to play those fairytales and whine about going back to places you’ve been freed from, take a moment and breathe. I know you’re sad and afraid and lonely and doubting. I know it’s scary and the future is uncertain. Sometimes it feels better to settle for some hurt than be where we are right now, alone. Sometimes I’d rather have a beautiful 6 hour night and deal with the 6 heartbreaking days of withdrawal after. But I plead with you in those moments to cry, to ask for help, to be honest, instead of going back. I always go back and I always feel pain. God help me! God help me to trust when I’m afraid. God help me be vulnerable with my longings. God help me to be real and honest. God thank you for freeing me. Help me to see that this freedom is better than previous shackles.

Day 41: Fuck order and embrace outsiders

January 26, 2019 — Leave a comment

Numbers 5-7; Psalm 41

Honestly I’m in Bible reading fatigue. How many more passages do I need to read insisting on our uncleanliness and God’s holiness? How many more passages are there about women being less than men? No wonder this is such a hard concept for so many to undo. It’s been preached at them again and again, that even if they don’t overly treat women as less than, they do. Women take the blame. Women are guilty. They are considered under the authority of their husband? Why? These verses out of context create abusive and unfair relationships. What is the purpose of this? And for the last time, please do not justify injustice with a call on order. Who created this order? Who does it protect? Is it enough that the only justification for something are a few verses in a book that was written a few thousand years ago? Your heart, your community and your world tell you one thing, but you insist on another because of a verse in the Bible.

There are still countries that consider being gay a crime. That is implorable. Christians add to that hate. Christians use the Bible to justify their order and oppression. Is God not bigger than our desires and sexuality? Does he not have room for fluidity? Has Jesus not set us free to love beyond borders? Doesn’t Jesus remind us to be with the most vulnerable, love the most vulnerable, be the most vulnerable. Society, this wicked society, might seem you an outsider. Outsiders were often the righteous ones in Jesus’ eyes. Outsiders that had little material worth, but had complete identity worth and stories.

Day 40: Boring Bible

January 25, 2019 — Leave a comment

Numbers 1-4; Psalm 40

Counting men. Order. Organizing. As the Israelites are about to embark on their journey into the wilderness, it first begins with a very detailed structure. Honestly I haven’t gained that much umph from these four chapters. It’s kinda boring. I don’t really care. I wonder if there have been passionate sermons on the first four chapters of Numbers.

In this Psalm, it acknowledges that God does not want burnt offerings. What God delights in is us following him and being an example everywhere we go so others are drawn in. We Are the living sacrifices. We are an offering. We are God’s. May our lips speak of God’s goodness. May our actions showcase those who are grateful and redeemed. May humility be what goes before everything we do.