prayer

My fellow sinners & mockers

September 18, 2020 — Leave a comment

Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither — whatever they do prospers. Not so the wicked! They are like chaff that the wind blows away. Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous. For the Lord watches over the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked leads to destruction.

Psalm 1

Some of these TikTok stars will stay; many will fade away as the trend shifts to another platform of #hashtag #viral sensation. Some who have thrown up black squares and #BLM have forever shifted their lives for the cause; many will go back into daily life hoping they won’t be called out for any deep seated microaggressions. Who becomes like a John Lewis or a Gloria Steinem? Who becomes rooted in the work till death at 100 like Grace Lee Boggs? How does one become committed to their purpose and stay the course regardless of the fading trends and crashing waves?

Our roots grow depending on what we feed them. Are we feeding our souls with words and company that prune, uproot, disrupt the bad to make room for the better? Are we meditating on truths that make us feel more grounded and whole? Are we set on the long game, trusting that fruit WILL SHOW UP, if we stay in the game? When we are set on the presence and purpose of God for our lives, we will prosper. Yet be careful of how you measure prosper. To prosper is to have an abundance of enoughness & peace.

We sin when we are so keen on our own ways regardless of what the voice of God urges for our good. We all sin because being rooted and patient are hard to do. We sin when we deny that God has our best interest. We all sin. We mock when we are skeptical of the good and the hopeful. We mock when we let our own bitterness and pain get in the way of experiencing renewal and refreshment. We mock because it feels safer than opening our hearts up again. We all mock.

I hope that even as we see our propensity we can also keep in mind the possibility and beauty of being people who are planted with purpose. I hope that the latter curbs the propensity so that we all create new patterns to slow down, desire for big things and seek a life for the long game. I pray that closets and closed doors open up for the healing of God and for the goodness of his voice. I pray that even if/when we see the wickedness in us, it only points to the possibility of being something other.

The calm before the fill

September 16, 2020 — Leave a comment

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

Genesis 1:1-2

God resides in the emptyness and in the creation.
God is there for the formless and for what will take shape.
God is there for the empty and for the filling.

God is there when you feel like you’re in a void, when you’re at the beginning, when you’re feeling lost and spent. God hovers over his creation with purpose and creates and forms in stride. More than that, the Spirit of God is in you. So even when you feel separated and empty, the Spirit of God is stirring inside ready to create a masterpiece. Well, more than that, God has already created a masterpiece and is simply waiting for our minds to catch up to that truth.

Where in your life do you feel empty? Where are you feeling anxiety to fill what feels like a lack? Sometimes in the beginning, insecurities, fears and crushing expectations flood in to take up the space of God’s intimacy and quiet. Can the longing instead point to a truth of God — that he provides, that he is good, that he is wise in timing, that he creates for good? Can this start of something new be filled with joyful anticipation and hope instead of exhausted pre-filled disappointment? Yet how do we get from that place of lack and dark to a place of openness and faithful expectation?

By embracing and acknowledging the empty and the longing. By looking back at examples whether in the Bible or in your life when Jesus pulled through. By praying so hard that there is no time and room for fears to take hold. By filling your mind with songs of praise and worship and promise. By embracing the empty and filling it with the Spirit of God and trusting that as that filling takes place, it will manifest into a fullness you can experience on this side of heaven.

Faith with no Doubt

September 11, 2020 — Leave a comment

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not supposed that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

James 1:5-8

Let him ask in faith with no doubting.

Think of a time when you were in such desperation and lack. When you asked God or, when you were so exhausted and downtrodden that you simply through your needs out there in an informal, messy, uncurated manner, there was no room for disclaimers or caveats. You asked, you begged, you cried out for help because you were already so broken and down, a crumb from the sky would have been a miracle. Those are moments of faith with no doubting.

Asking in faith with no doubt isn’t only in a move-mountains strength.
Asking in faith with no doubt is a vulnerable and surrendered posture. Asking in faith with no doubt isn’t simply reciting God’s word back to God.
Asking in faith with no doubt is an intimate and honest blurt of your need. Asking in faith with no doubt isn’t always pretty and brings up congregation AMEN’S.
Asking in faith with no doubt is quiet, desperate and gray.

Where doubt can seep in to destroy the faith and surrender you had is after you receive from God. How often do we get the thing we asked and we start questioning our worth for receiving said gift? How often do we get handed the exact thing we needed and start doubting that we deserve to be getting it? How often does doubt destroy the worship we would have given back to God?

I have been honest about feeling lonely and lacking in community. Yesterday I had the most incredible repetition with a friend that showed me the depths of intimacy and family. Yet during it, I felt so guilty for laying my truest self on my friend. Later that night, I received an email about an acting scholarship. I was floored that I actually received it and immediately started to doubt that I should be getting it. They certainly made a mistake. If not, I needed to do everything to prove that I deserve the scholarship. My mind went spiraling that I couldn’t even enjoy the gift. So to me and to you:

You received because you had faith and you have a good God. Your worth was the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Receive it humbly, praise without bounds and show up fully as your gift in return.

Ready to Mingle

September 10, 2020 — Leave a comment

And they devoted themselves to the apostles teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. And all who believed were together and had all things in common. And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, praising God, and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved.

Acts 2:42-47

What a fellowship! What a community! How do we have any of this now when the kindest and wisest thing is to limit gathering? Moreover, how do we have this kind of community when our hearts are discouraged, hurt and distrusting of the church? What is my part to play?

I will never forget my first year in Los Angeles. It was in my community group that I met my first & best friends, reopened my heart to God and ate a lot of delicious free food. When my grandma passed away, my community group rallied around me to pray for my family’s healing and for my time back home. It was in that fellowship that I came to know the tangible power of Jesus, the presence Holy Spirit and the provision of the Father. Fast forward to now, I feel very disconnected and disheartened by the church. Like with any group of people, I have experienced judgments, relationship fall outs, disagreements that seem to divide more than show diversity and distance. Some in part because I pulled away with the expectation that someone would come get me, and didn’t. Some because I no longer tolerate the wrongs I once allowed because I didn’t want to make others uncomfortable. So here I am, feeling separated and distant from the thing that once upon a time brought me so much healing, joy and belonging.

So with my heart bruised and weary, I read Acts 2 knowing that, yet still, it is a community of vulnerability, generosity and joy that I need. Where can I be more vulnerable, generous and grateful? With whom can I exhibit more of these to build this Acts 2 community? And this is the hardest: what will it take for me to still have faith and hope that it is worth it to be surrounded by people who love God? Can past memories and miracles propel be back into that space of faith? Can letting go of resentment and judgment bring me back into the fold of relationships that are actually ready for me? Who can I invite into this process of rebuilding my trust in church?

I read Acts 2 with such jealousy and longing. I miss and need so much of what it talks about. The devotion to learning together. The breaking of bread together. The prayer together. The generosity and gladness experienced together. The growth in friendships. These things without the together, feel lacking and sad. Virtual fellowship falls short. Podcasts come and fade. I wish I had the solution for you, for me. I’m here acknowledging that I miss these things and I want these things, and we need to do that first. God, open my heart to see where opportunities for safe community lie in today’s landscape. I’m ready.

Faith led you to the Desolate

September 9, 2020 — Leave a comment

Then Jesus called his disciples to him and said, ‘I have compassion on the crowd because they have been with me now three days and have nothing to eat. And I am unwilling to send them away hungry, lest they faint on the way.’ And the disciples said to him, ‘Where are we to get enough bread in such a desolate place to feed so great a crowd?’ And Jesus said to them, ‘How many loaves do you have?’ They said, ‘Seven and a few small fish.’ And directing the crowd to sit down on the ground, he took the seven loaves and the fish, and having given thanks he broke them and gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the crowds. And they all ate and were satisfied. And they took up seven baskets full of the broken pieces left over.

Matthew 15:32-37

I find myself at this story every time I’m in a resource bind or a mindset of lack. Today I was listening to a Brene Brown podcast with Dr. Sonenshein about the concept of “stretching,” being resourceful and creative with what you already have. Stretching requires scrappiness, a clear focus on purpose/goals and a heart check on what really makes you joyful and full. Dr. Sonenshein touched on meditating on a time when you were stretchy. What were you feeling then? Who were you with? Can that power that is possible come flowing back now?

The disciples might have been too tired to think outside of the box. They might have lacked stretchy-ness because they were focused on their circumstances and their limitations. They might have been worried about Jesus’ well-being. When their guard is down and they blurt their truth, Jesus always makes room for a teaching moment. Jesus followed through with his compassion for the people. His feelings flowed into faithful action.

But what I rarely think about is the crowd. They have been with Jesus for three days. They are tired, hungry, surrounded, stranded, yet still there. They followed without knowing when their next meal would come. They were stranded in a desolate place with so many strangers. Yet here they are. They followed. They had faith. And they did get fed.

I don’t know where your plans and where life have taken you. You might feel stranded in some desolate place when you felt that you were following God, or what was the right thing to do. You’re surrounded by unfamiliar faces. Maybe worst, you feel alone, even though you seem to be surrounded by voices. God is preparing a feast for you. You are part of their miracle. You are not forgotten and your faith has indeed taken you to places no human mind could conjure up.

Fall into a new season

September 8, 2020 — Leave a comment

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

Normally after Labor Day, there is a mental shift to fall. Schools are starting. Denim jackets are coming out. White clothes are put away. But this year, schools have started and closed again. There is sweltering heat in California. Sweats are the only things people are wearing year round. But it can be helpful to transition into a new season, even if it’s telling yourself you’re doing it in the midst of circumstances seemingly the same.

It gives you a chance to reflect on what has happened thus far. How are you different now than when summer first started, when lock downs were first implemented, when you rung in the new year? How have you grown? What have you learned? What have you lost? Who have you lost? What are you not bringing into the next season?

It gives you a chance to imagine and bless this next chunk of time. What do you hope for? Where do you want to be more settled? What changes can take place right now?

Transitioning into a new season also gives you grace for the all the ways you fell short in the last season. It gives you a sense of newness that you actually do have permission to bring into every morning. You are allowed to again be hopeful for things that did not pan out. How can each day feel like a new beginning and a new ending? We are met with new mercies every morning and we have a sanctuary to let things go every night. May we gently use the time in between, trusting that all things will pan out in due time. It’s a level of trust rooted in purpose and in a good God.

Spacious Heart

September 6, 2020 — Leave a comment

In you, Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness.
Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me.
Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me.
Keep me free from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge.
Into your hands I commit my spirit; deliver me, Lord, my faithful God.
I hate those who cling to worthless idols; as for me, I trust in the Lord.
I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.
You have not given me into the hands of the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place.

Psalm 31:1-8

God,
It feels like the world is closing in on me. I feel trapped and scared, helpless to the walls caving in on me, moving in with the purpose of crushing me, crushing the spirit in me. I feel taken under by the feelings that arise: feelings of anxiety, depression, guilt, shame and fear. I wave my arms for help but no one is around to come to my rescue. I wave my arms for help but those that are around are too busy with their own fears and pain to even see me. I wave my arms in surrender, throwing my white flag ready to give up.

I am tired of this constant feeling of discomfort. I am tired of trying to keep growing. I am tired of trying to be compassionate even when it doesn’t come back in return. I am tired of my patterns and behaviors that are harmful yet I don’t know how to change them. I am exhausted seeing my heart and how far I still need to go. I am exhausted seeing the world in pain. I am exhausted saying these things.

I hate the rise of anger. I hate the stirring of heartbreak. I hate the tears always moments away. I hate the loneliness. I hate the battles. I want to hide and I want to sleep and not wake up until the days are better. So God I beg you to hide me in your refuge to remind me of my strength and purpose. In your refuge, can you sing over me who I am in your eyes. In your refuge can you make hope more alive than anything else. In your refuge may you grow the space in my heart for those that make life hard and this life cruel. May you grow the space in my heart to be a forgiving and compassionate and humble warrior of your goodness. Set my feet, my heart and my soul in a spacious place trusting that even as things around me fall apart, I am rooted and I will come out alive in the rubble.

I pray because I have no other weapons. Amen.

Friends for Paradise

September 5, 2020 — Leave a comment

Two others, who were criminals, were led away to be put to death with [Jesus]…One of the criminals who were hanged railed at him, saying, ‘Are you not the Christ? Save yourself and us!’ But the other rebuked him saying, ‘Do you not fear God, since you are under the same sentence of condemnation? And we indeed justly, for we are receiving the due reward of our deeds; but this man has done nothing wrong.’ And he said, ‘Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.’ And he said to him, ‘Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise.’

Luke 23:32, 39-43

Peter had denied Jesus. Jesus’ closest friends fled. In Jesus’ last moments, he was stuck between two criminals, one who goes down in history sarcastic and pathetic and one whose faith gives him the most important friendship.

How do pain and humiliation lead you to react? Do you laugh it off, deflect and give a finger to the world? Do you own up to your current state and reach for a hope that might seem ridiculous? Do you, like Jesus, experience the pain fully while still making room for compassion? Who we are is most exposed in the limelight of humiliation and when we are recipients of punishment, whether right or not. There is no place where strength, courage and faith are either most displayed or most suppressed.

The three of them were about to die. Death was around the corner. There was no need for survival tactics. We often go around life armored up with survival tools and tactics. Which of these can you set down because you’re actually safe and which of these can you set down because it’s doing more harm than protection? How can you work towards days of more truthful exposure, even when it is scary and uncomfortable?

Instead of his closest friends by his side, Jesus endured his last moments with criminals and soldiers. Sometimes in our battles, the people by our sides might be the last people we’d want. Sometimes our most loyal friends will abandon us. Sometimes our longest friends are the ones least equip to handle us in our current season. I pray we give room to see who God has placed on our sides right now; some will suck, but some might be going into Paradise with us.

The Days In Between

September 4, 2020 — Leave a comment

And they told Mordecai what Esther had said. Then Mordecai told them to reply to Esther, ‘Do not think to yourself that in the king’s palace you will escape any more than all the other Jews. For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father’s house will perish. And who know whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this? Then Esther told them to reply to Mordecai, ‘Go, gather all the Jews to be found in Susa, and hold a fast on my behalf, and do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my young women will also fast as you do. Then I will go to the king, though it is against the law, and if I perish, I perish.’ Mordecai then went away and did everything as Esther had ordered him.

Esther 4:12-17

After Mordecai’s prompting, Esther decided what she was going to do. Well, Mordecai’s prompting is, you’ll potentially either die with us now or definitely die with others later, your choice. Death and destruction were inevitable; what mattered was which side Esther was going to die fighting on. Between her decision and her action, she called in her community and closest confidantes to fast. She didn’t fast to decide what to do; she fasted to ready her heart for what she is about to do. She knew the consequences of her actions. She needed the strength for the possible worst.

Esther was specifically selected for this time and place, but she was not alone in the process. You are specifically selected for this time and place for the specific actions you are called to enact. Can you have both certainty and flexibility with your plans? You may want to do such, but can you allow for how it will pan out to shift? Who benefits, besides you, for the decisions you are about to make? Who can keep you accountable in that gap between decision and action? Who can you tell that you’re scared, you feel ill-equipped, you feel like you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place?

I hope that you have such a person or peoples. I pray that beyond that you know you already have a posse in the Trinity. The Trinity always roots for deliverance, hope and renewal. I’m rooting for you to cross to that action, too!

The Lonely Garden

September 2, 2020 — Leave a comment

And they went to a place called Gethsemane. And he said to his disciples, ‘Sit here while I pray.’ And he took with him Peter and James and John, and began to be greatly distressed and troubled. And he said to them, ‘My soul is very sorrowful, even to death. Remain here and watch.’ And going a little farther, he fell on the ground and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him. And he said, ‘Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.’

Mark 14:32-36

There is a sense of purpose that only comes out of deep loneliness. There is a deep loneliness that exists when walking in steps of purpose.

Jesus’ ministry was bookended by alone time. After his anointing, he was led into the garden to be tempted and right before his death, was in Gethsemane to pray. These moments are more than time alone, (which for introverts is joy and for general humans useful). These were lonely moments. These are times when he knew only he could fulfill the specific task at hand. No one else would fully understand. He was the sole person who had this particular calling. No one else had this path. While he may have community by his side, it was he who would die, he who would rise, he who would change the world. It’s in this loneliness, that the existence and promise of the Father and the Holy Spirit are life lines.

I have dreaded loneliness by whole life, and still do, especially in these times. Even in my grandma’s crowded apartment during holiday meals, I felt alone. Even in the most intimate and fun hangs with best friends, this fog of loneliness eventually finds me. And if we are honest, it finds each of us if we dare pause long enough to not find a quick cover or distraction. In loneliness, I feel like I’m the only one seeing the world the way I’m seeing it right now. It feels like I’m a character misplaced in a world not my own. I am hit by the wave of the world’s ache and my feet are stuck in the ground so I cannot run, cannot hide. These are not pleasant, but they are expansive revelations that each of our lives has a calling and path no one on earth can fully comprehend. They may enter in and collaborate with you. There might even be moments of such deep alignment, you know those moments when you meet someone and think OH YOU GET IT, that you feel so connect. And hopefully on this track of life, there are other runners by your side and fans cheering you on. However, your purpose is yours and yours alone. As each of us fulfills our own purpose, together we’d change the world.

So in your loneliness, in your alone time, I hope along with the ache you feel the immense truth that you matter, and only you can do what is set out for you. God is with you. The Holy Spirit lead you. Jesus went before you.