But Saul, still breathing threats and murder against the disciples of the Lord went to the high priest and asked him for letters to the synagogues at Damascus, so that if he found any belonging to the Way, men or women, he might bring them bound to Jerusalem. Now as he went on his way, he approached Damascus, and suddenly a light from heaven shone around him. And falling to the ground he heard a voice saying to him, “Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting me?” And he said, “Who are you, Lord?” And he said, “I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting. But rise and enter the city, and you will be told what you are to do. The men who were traveling with him stood speechless, hearing the voice but seeing no one. Saul rose from the ground, and although his eyes were opened, he saw nothing. So they led him by the hand and brought him into Damascus. And for three days he was without sight, and neither ate nor drank. Now there was a disciple at Damascus named Ananias. The Lord said to him in a vision, “Ananias.” And he said, “Here I am, Lord.” And the Lord said to him, “Rise and go to the street called Straight, and at the house of Judas look for a man of Tarsus named Saul, for behold, he is praying, and he has seen in a vision a man named Ananias come in and lay his hands on him so that he might regain his sight.” But Ananias answered, “Lord, I have heard from many about this man, how much evil he has done to your saints at Jerusalem. And here he has authority from the chief priests to bind all who call on your name.” But the Lord said to him, “Go, for he is a chosen instrument of mine to carry my name before the Gentiles and kings and the children of Israel. For I will show him how much he must suffer for the sake of my name. So Ananias departed and entered the house. And laying his hands on him he said, “Brother Saul, the Lord Jesus who appeared to you on the road by which you came has sent me so that you may regain your sight and be filled with the Holy Spirit.” And immediately something like scales fell from his eyes, and he regained his sight. Then he rose and was baptized; and taking food, he was strengthened.

Acts 9:1-19

This moment changed Saul’s life. A soon-to-be 180 into the Paul we know, who wrote most of the New Testament. From this moment forth, every bit of his life was about to be reimagined, redirected and redeemed for the work fo God. He was smart and educated: about to be for the glory of God. He was charismatic and inspiring: about to be for the good of the community. He was a self-righteous, committed soul: about to be for the righteousness and kingdom of God. This was the pivot…then the 3 days.

What were those “3 days without sight,” like for Paul?

A time to reflect on God’s call in: Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting me? Confession. Reflecting on how he’s persecuted the Christians. Reflecting on how he witnessed the stoning of Stephen. Owning up to all the things that have led him to this moment.

A time of uncertainty: he saw nothing. Confrontation of fears and insecurities. Facing his own humanity against God. Facing the dismantle of his securities and the reality of his limitations. Recognizing the futility of all his achievements, his upbringing, his accolades.

A time of vulnerability without defenses: without sight. Changing his heart. Shedding the self-righteous armor and ego he walked around with as Saul. Making room for whatever is about to meet him as Paul.

I feel like I’m in the “3 days without sight,” (barring the social media, news and anti-racism never-ending must-read consumption.) It’s uncomfortable. It’s scary. It’s revealing. I see the ways that I have failed humanity. I see the ways that I have failed my city, my community, my friends. I played into the white supremacist racial triangulation, myth of scarcity and fear of becoming nothing because of who I am. My own marginalization and fear of being silenced have fogged my eyes and narrowed my heart from seeing the pain of the black community, from hearing their cries against police brutality and this covert/overt racist “justice” system. I have focused on the good I’ve done rather than the bad in my being. And again, I’m in that cycle trying to fix and do in order to alleviate the pain of self-reflection and the reality of what’s to come. I am like Saul. I am Saul.

But, I am not staying a Saul. There is no way to claim the presence of God without a forever journey of stripping away that feeling of Saul-ness. On this side of heaven we are forever coming back to I am not Saul; I am Paul. Being God’s beloved child means that I am not defined by what I have done or not done, nor is this the end of my story. It means I have the power to own up to my transgressions and transform. I can own up to my wrongs with self-love.

I am an instrument of God’s kingdom. I am responsible for making the world just and merciful. I am responsible for the least of us. I am responsible for revealing and destroying evil. I am responsible for the work outside with my body and the work inside my heart.

When Ananias meets Saul, he calls him Brother Saul. Saul is about to gain a new family, a new life, a purpose worth losing everything else for, status, safety, resources and former community. But I mean, he’s about to get the Holy Spirit. Is there even a competition? Who can know what’s about to come?

Prayer: God I am your instrument of love and justice.

What do I need to lose? What is there to gain?