refuge

Spacious Heart

September 6, 2020 — Leave a comment

In you, Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness.
Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me.
Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me.
Keep me free from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge.
Into your hands I commit my spirit; deliver me, Lord, my faithful God.
I hate those who cling to worthless idols; as for me, I trust in the Lord.
I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.
You have not given me into the hands of the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place.

Psalm 31:1-8

God,
It feels like the world is closing in on me. I feel trapped and scared, helpless to the walls caving in on me, moving in with the purpose of crushing me, crushing the spirit in me. I feel taken under by the feelings that arise: feelings of anxiety, depression, guilt, shame and fear. I wave my arms for help but no one is around to come to my rescue. I wave my arms for help but those that are around are too busy with their own fears and pain to even see me. I wave my arms in surrender, throwing my white flag ready to give up.

I am tired of this constant feeling of discomfort. I am tired of trying to keep growing. I am tired of trying to be compassionate even when it doesn’t come back in return. I am tired of my patterns and behaviors that are harmful yet I don’t know how to change them. I am exhausted seeing my heart and how far I still need to go. I am exhausted seeing the world in pain. I am exhausted saying these things.

I hate the rise of anger. I hate the stirring of heartbreak. I hate the tears always moments away. I hate the loneliness. I hate the battles. I want to hide and I want to sleep and not wake up until the days are better. So God I beg you to hide me in your refuge to remind me of my strength and purpose. In your refuge, can you sing over me who I am in your eyes. In your refuge can you make hope more alive than anything else. In your refuge may you grow the space in my heart for those that make life hard and this life cruel. May you grow the space in my heart to be a forgiving and compassionate and humble warrior of your goodness. Set my feet, my heart and my soul in a spacious place trusting that even as things around me fall apart, I am rooted and I will come out alive in the rubble.

I pray because I have no other weapons. Amen.

CBG COVID Challenge: #4

March 24, 2020 — Leave a comment

David departed from there and escaped to the cave of Adullam. And when his brothers and all his father’s house heard it, they went down there to him. And everyone who was in distress, and everyone who was in debt, and everyone who was bitter in soul gathered to him. And he became commander over them. And there were with him about four hundred men.

1 Samuel 22:1-2

Things are flipped upside down. Our supposed national “leader” is incompetent and instigates hate in order to mitigate his own culpability. Delivery drivers, retired nurses, grocery store clerks — the people our society have relegated to the bottom — put their lives at risk so that the current exploded society has some semblance of hope of continuity. “Leaders” we have chosen to govern us protect their own checking accounts while “ordinary people” creatively structure ways to care for the elderly, the employed and the lonely. In the good times, good leadership is embedded in the culture, the dialogue and impact of a smooth operation. In crisis, good leadership is taken for granted, but poor leadership, rings ugly. True leaders take responsibility and empower their followers for compassion and the whole. Bad leaders feel threaten when things aren’t going their way because their leadership is built on self-preservation and self-protection.

We are all leaders. What kind of leader are you? How do you respond when you feel your ego and power being threatened? Are we thinking about the individual, the whole, or both?

The world was against David. He was being attacked by the most powerful man in the land. Yet, David attracted those who were in distress, those who were in debt, those who were bitter. He attracted the helpless, the needy, the emotionally hard — those that “could not give anything back.” Leaders inevitably attract the vulnerable. What do we do with that responsibility? How do we shepherd the people we attract? Leaders provide refuge for those in distress, freedom for those in debt and purpose for those discontent. But may it be for their sake, and not for our ego and our name.

Prayer: Lay before God your anger.

Creative: Spend an undistracted amount of time making a meal.

Brave: An “unreasonable” ask. Ask for something that scares you.

Generous: Ask 3 people how you can pray for them.