self-reflection

Reject Me Not

September 22, 2020 — Leave a comment

Then seizing [Jesus], they led him away and took him into the house of the high priest. Peter followed at a distance. And when some there had kindled a fire in the middle of the courtyard and had sat down together, Peter sat down with them. A servant girl saw him seated there in the firelight. She looked closely at him and said, ‘This man was with him.’

But he denied it. ‘Woman, I don’t know him,’ he said.

A little later someone else saw him and said, ‘You also are one of them.’

‘Man, I am not!’ Peter replied.

About an hour later another asserted, ‘Certainly this fellow was with him, for he is a Galilean.’

Peter replied, ‘Man, I don’t know what you’re talking about!’ Just as he was speaking, the rooster crowed. The Lord turned and looked straight at Peter. Then Peter remembered the word the Lord had spoken to him: ‘Before the rooster crows today, you will disown me three times.’ And he went outside and wept bitterly.

Luke 22:54-62

Why did Peter stick so close to the friend he kept rejecting? Why did Peter still stick around as he kept denying his affiliations with Jesus? Peter wanted to know what was going to happen to Jesus without experiencing the consequences himself. Peter still felt drawn to the Lord, but seeing what was happening to the Lord, felt it safer to keep a distance. How can we sometimes be so close to someone yet actually be so far away?

Regardless of his overt verbal rejections, Peter was already recognized and labelled as someone who knew Jesus. People saw him frolicking with Jesus. People knew Peter’s background. People knew that there was something between Peter and Jesus regardless of what he was saying in this fearful dark moment. I am both comforted and anxious about this . It gives me comfort because no matter how much I verbally reject God or distance myself from other Christians, I am and will forever be marked as a child of God. The experiences with God, the experiences of God and the experience of God with me are forever mine and continue to shape me. I may reject God in moments, but I am always his and he is mine. This also makes me anxious because no matter how much I try to run and hide, people may see and smell the Jesus on me. There’s a standard and a way of being that I feel an account. There’s a relationship that still takes up room in my heart. I always know when I am deviating from that standard and relationship.

People think much about the person who gets rejected, but there is a pain in being the person who rejects. Psychopaths aside, rejecting someone can come with it guilt, bitterness and brutal self-reflection. If you have been rejected, may God sit with you in that sorrow and wash away any notions of unworthiness. If you have rejected, may God sit with you in that sorrow as well and wash away the grip of guilt.

CBG: Leadership

June 20, 2020 — Leave a comment

When [Jesus] had washed their feet and put on his outer garments and resumed his place, he said to them, “Do you understand what I have done to you? You call me Teacher and Lord, and you are right, for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you. Truly, truly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them. I am not speaking of all of you; I know whom I have chosen. But the Scripture will be fulfilled, ‘He who ate my bread has lifted his heel against me.’ I am telling you this now, before it takes place, that when it does take place you may believe that I am he. Truly, truly I say to you, whoever receives the one I send receives me, and whoever receives me receives the one who sent me.”

John 13:12-20

What do Jesus, James Baldwin, Laverne Cox and Brene Brown have in common?

They lead by example. They lead from self-examination and self-responsibility. They lead from seeing their own souls first. They are bold in getting messy. They are brave in saying where there needs growth in themselves because in talking about themselves, I recognize it in me. They hold themselves to the same standards they hold us. When I listen or read their words, I am convicted and challenged how I can receive as they have been convicted and challenged how they have can receive. I thank them for their example. I thank them for their pure authenticity and honesty. I thank them for expecting the impossible from us. I thank them for desiring all of us to experience a wholeness that we were made for. I thank them for showing us the way to freedom by being the freest people. Happy Juneteenth.

Prayer: God I want to lead from vulnerability and self-examination. God I want to lead from seeing myself clearly and seeing the fullness of others.

From what wounds and pains can I lead from?

CBG: Draw Near

June 18, 2020 — Leave a comment

Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Hebrews 4:12-16

We are encouraged to draw near to God, with confidence, in order to confess our weaknesses, our temptations and our needs. We are encouraged to hold fast to our confession, to always be self-critical of ourselves, but in the presence of God, before the throne of grace. If we are self-critical apart from the presence of grace, we won’t receive the mercy for ourselves or the grace to help others. We cannot be self-critical apart from the unending grace of God that says, still we are worthy, still we are clean, especially in our vulnerable confession. We cannot be of service without this openness and vulnerability. Because otherwise we might become bitter or self-loathing. It is at the place of experiencing mercy for ourselves that we can approach others not to help but to draw them to the throne of grace where there they will receive help just as we have. Our vulnerable and humble approach, at the feet of the throne, is the best position for us to extend to others who are also in need.

I have been very self-critical, bordering self-loathing. I had let myself go down rabbit holes of loneliness, inadequacy and triviality. My unhealthy thoughts and self-pity made me shrink and sleep more so I had fewer waking hours to face. Then I approached the Lord and I was healed. No, silly. I didn’t want to approach the Lord, or I thought I had been, but nothing was changing, so that made me weary. I had to keep approaching the throne of grace and keep confessing. This wasn’t a one time kind of confessing and a one time kind of mercy-gift that took all the pain away. I am still in the process of vulnerability and confession while also speaking over myself the promises of God, of all the things s/he says I am. I am worthy. I am enough. I am a daughter. I am a beloved child of God. I am an instrument. I am good. It’s in the midst of these I AM that I can also say all the things I am afraid to admit to anyone but God. My confessions in the presence of I AM leads to a quiet strength to go another day.

Prayer: God help me to hold my worth, my vulnerability and my responsibility all before you.

What would give you the confidence to approach the throne of grace?

CBG: Promises

June 17, 2020 — Leave a comment

Then the foremen of the people of Israel came and cried to Pharaoh, “Why do you treat your servants like this? No straw is given to your servants, yet they say to us, ‘Make bricks!’ And behold, your servants are beaten; but the fault is in your own people.” But he said, “You are idle, you are idle; that is why you say, ‘Let us go and sacrifice to the Lord.’ Go now and work. No straw will be given you, but you must deliver the same number of bricks.” The foremen of the people of Israel saw that they were in trouble when they said, “You shall by no means reduce your number of bricks, your daily task each day.” They met Moses and Aaron, who were waiting for them, as they came out from Pharaoh; and they said to them, “The Lord look on you and judge, because you have made us stink in the sight of the Pharaoh and his servants, and have put a sword in their hand to kill us.” Then Moses turned to the Lord and said, “O, Lord, why have you done evil to this people? Why did you ever send me? For since I came to Pharaoh to speak in your name, he has done evil to his people, and you have not delivered your people at all.”

Exodus 5:15-23

It’s at this point that the foremen recognizes that the Hebrews are a stink in the sight of the Pharaoh and that death was awaiting them. The Hebrews had been in slavery for centuries. They have always been a stink in the sight of the Pharaoh, yet now they express how much the Pharaoh doesn’t care about the Hebrews’ well-being. The foremen are pissed. Had they been tolerating and making the best of their reality up until now? Had they been trying to get on the Pharaoh’s good side and slowly hope for changes, and now that’s thrown out the window? Regardless, they are angry because they are given an impossible task that most probably will lead to their deaths.

But if they didn’t see death so clearly, would they have ever risked going into the desert with Moses, a runway Hebrew/Egyptian murderer? If they had not felt so clearly that they were either going to die in the hands of the Egyptians as slaves or die trying to be free, would they have chosen the latter? Any notions that this system the Hebrews are working under will get better or is tolerable, are wiped away with the Pharaoh’s unjust new commands. The Hebrews are becoming more and more certain that they can no longer live under this oppression.

But the middle from the oppression to the promise land can be arduous and uncomfortable. Things can seem wrong. Leaders might not be trusted immediately because the leaders themselves might be afraid. Everyone here is taking steps of faith, coming back to the promises of God. Coming back to the promises of God during times of oppression and hard DOES NOT MAKE SENSE to those who live by human reasoning. Coming back to the promises of God, and trusting and asking for his moves requires a faith and courage that you feel you don’t have. Because this is an impossible task. No one without God can walk through the Red Sea. But God was there and God is here. God hears the voice of the oppressed and his plans thwart any human predictions. God will lead us through the valleys and shadows into a land full of milk and honey.

Prayer: God bring me back to your promises of deliverance and of wholeness. Give me courage and patience to endure even when I feel misunderstood and judged by those I love.

When have you said this to God, why did you ever send me?

CBG: Liberation

June 16, 2020 — Leave a comment

One day, when Moses had grown up, he went out to his people and looked on their burdens, and he saw an Egyptian beating a Hebrew, one of his people. He looked this way and that, and seeing no one, he struck down the Egyptian and hid him in the sand. When he went out the next day, behold, two Hebrews were struggling together. And he said to the man in the wrong, “Why do you strike your companion?” He answered, “Who made you a prince and a judge over us? Do you mean to kill me as you killed the Egyptian?” Then Moses was afraid, and thought, “Surely the thing is known.” When Pharaoh heard of it, he sought to kill Moses. But Moses fled from Pharaoh and stayed in the land of Midian. And he sat down by a well. Now the priest of Midian had seven daughters, and they came and drew water and filled the troughs to water their father’s flock. The shepherds came and drove them away, but Moses stood up and saved them, and watered their flock. When they came home to their father Reuel, he said, “How is it that you have come home so soon today?” They said, “An Egyptian delivered us out of the hand of the shepherds and even drew water for us and watered the flock.” He said to his daughters, “Then where is he? Why have you left the man? Call him, that he may eat bread.” And Moses was content to dwell with the man, and he gave Moses his daughter Zipporah. She gave birth to a son, and he called his name Gershom, for he said, “I have been a sojourner in a foreign land.”

Exodus 2:11-22

Moses desire to help doesn’t always pan out. Even though he was raised in the Pharaoh’s house, he counted himself a Hebrew and avenged the beating of his own people by killing an Egyptian. Even though Moses was Hebrew by blood and nurture, his fellow Hebrews do not count allegiance with him or respect him. He’s neither accepted with the Egyptians or with the Hebrews. He runs away and once again, stands up for the daughters of Midian. They assume him an Egyptian and Moses knows even with a Midian wife and a Midian son, he is but a sojourner in a foreign land.

Born out of water, Moses neither fits smoothly here or there. He had access to a people by blood/nature and to an upbringing because of compassion. He had a wonderful education, food on the table, a beautiful roof over his head and one day, when he was grown up, he finally saw the oppression and he acted. (Though poorly.) You are not faulted for the privilege and access you have been given. However, when you are grown up and become aware of the oppression, you are now responsible and culpable. Your initial actions to “help the oppressed” might not be received well, might actually do more harm than good. Those you want to “help” might not see you as an ally. Don’t simply help. Take your help and toss it in the trash. See the pain of the oppressed as your own oppression, so much that it springs you into wanting to destroy the reality of the oppression (not necessarily the oppressor.) Don’t help because you are looking from the outside but act because in acting you are creating liberation for all, including yourself! No one is free when others are oppressed. (Unknown)

When you are misunderstood and hated, it feels heart-wrenching and lonely. It can feel like what has been done wasn’t worth it. The waking up to reality isn’t worth it. But remember this, you have been freed. Freed from the fog, freed from this in-between, freed from ignorance. Plus you are a sojourner in a foreign land. Your home in heaven is secure and you will never be separated from God. This pain is temporary. Still do compassion.

Prayer: God I pray for a grace and a kindness when I feel misunderstood. God I pray for a comfort and security in you as my judge when I feel unseen and misunderstood. God I pray even still, I will act with kindness and compassion.

How do you respond when you feel misunderstood?

CBG: Reflection

June 14, 2020 — Leave a comment

They read from the book, from the Law of God, clearly, and they gave the sense, so that the people understood the reading. And Nehemiah, who was the governor and Ezra the priest and scribe, and the Levites who taught the people said to all the people, “This day is holy to the Lord your God; do not mourn or weep.” For all the people wept as they heard the words of the Law. Then he said to them, “Go your way. Eat the fat and drink sweet wine and send portions to anyone who has nothing ready, for this day is holy to our Lord. And do not grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength,” So the Levites calmed all the people, saying, “Be quiet, for this day is holy; do not be grieved.” And all the people went their way to eat and drink and to send portions and to make great rejoicing, because they had understood the words that were declared to them. On the second ay the heads of fathers’ houses of all the people, with the priests and the Levites, came together to Ezra the scribe in order to study the words of the Law.

Nehemiah 8:8-13

Last night I went to a block party where neighbors and people who have heard about this party came out on the streets of St. James and Greene to dance, cheer bus drivers who drove by and listen to speeches of Black leaders. When I first got there, I was self-conscious because I didn’t know the purpose of the event. They have this every night. I found a friend of a friend and felt a bit safer. Then I saw a young girl dancing without bounds. I stepped then stepped, stepped. Then I joined the cheering as the B52 bus drove down Greene. Then I threw my hands up for Michelle Obama’s “we go high” words. My heart warmed hearing Andrew Cuomo’s words about the love in New York, New York strong.

This was joy and community personified. All ages. All races. All kinds of dance moves. This gave life. It reminded me why we fight: for each other, for this speck of heavenly joy on earth which is possible only if it is possible for everyone. JOY is heaven on earth.

JOY must be at the center of our work. JOY must be why we fight. JOY must be where we fight from. JOY is our rest. JOY is our motivation. JOY is the fire beneath our fight and our work. It will sustain us on this journey to fight against oppression and to expand love to the ends of the earth.

  1. When have you felt a joy this week that made you lit up to fight?
  2. When have you felt a joy this week that made you grateful for life right now?
  3. When have you felt a joy that made a lack of plans an exciting adventure?
  4. When have you felt a joy that exposed the path you are to walk?

CBG: Pride

June 8, 2020 — Leave a comment

Lest you be wise in your own sight, I do not want you to be unaware of this mystery, brothers: a partial hardening has come upon Israel, until the fullness of the Gentiles has come in. And in this way all Israel will be saved, as it is written, “The Deliverer will come from Zion, he will banish ungodliness from Jacob”; “and this will be my covenant with them when I take away their sins.” As regards the gospel, they are enemies for your sake. But as regards election, they are beloved for the sake of their forefathers. For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable. For just as you were at one time disobedient to God but now have received mercy because of their disobedience, so they too have now been disobedient in order that by the mercy shown to you they also may now receive mercy. For God has consigned all to disobedience, that he may have mercy on all. Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!

Romans 11:25-33
A letter to my Queer Eye Loving Christians or Christians in general

Prayer: God shake our knowledge and remove our grip on knowing so we can expand our faith in you.

What part of your identity is attacked when your ideology is challenged?

CBG: Reflection

June 7, 2020 — Leave a comment

Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness! You have given me relief when I was in distress. Be gracious to me and hear my prayer!
O men, how long shall my honor be turned into shame? How long will you love vain words and seek after lies?
But know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself; the Lord hears when I call to him.
Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent.
Offer right sacrifices, and put your trust in the Lord.
There are many who say, “Who will show us some good? Lift up the light of your face upon us, O Lord!”
You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound.
In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

Psalm 4

Prayer: Quiet my body, my heart, my mind and my soul to feel the safety and peace you promise. Help me to feel without entering into shame. Help me to listen without judgment. Help me to soften and surrender in the midst of chaos and the cacophony of voices.

  1. As you read this passage, what cry resonates with you?
  2. How has shame manifested this week?
  3. How has anger played itself out this week?
  4. What sacrifices have you offered this week?
  5. Where have you felt safety this week?

CBG: Self-control

May 28, 2020 — Leave a comment

The Passover of the Jews was at hand, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem. In the temple he found those who were selling oxen and sheep and pigeons, and the money-changers sitting there. And making a whip of cords, he drove them all out of the temple, with the sheep and oxen. And he poured out the coins of the money-changers and overturned their tables. And he told those who sold the pigeons, “Take these things away; do not make my Father’s house a house of trade.” His disciples remembered that it was written, “Zeal for your house will consume me.” So the Jews said to him, “What sign do you show us for doing these things?” Jesus answered them, “Destroy this temple, and in three days I will raise it up.”

John 2:13-19

Jesus flipped over the tables at the temple. He made a mess with the coins. He caused the chaos and confronted the people who infuriated them. Those who were with him saw his passion. Those who didn’t know him or were inconvenienced by him demanded an answer for his actions. It’s a foreshadow. It’s a warning. It’s a sign of what is to come.

I do not condone violence when its intention and sole purpose is to harm recklessly and to showcase ego. Violence is an inability to express anger and an acting from an emotional clog/prison. However, I do understand an anger that can no longer be held in and must be expressed. Anger is helpful; it stems from a sense of injustice, pain and hurt. Anger expressed, not to make another small, but to shake someone awake, is necessary.

Self-control has been pillaged by interpretations stemming from a need to control, or can I say it, the white supremacy and patriarchy that has infiltrated our study of the Word. When I first hear of self-control, I think of this pushing down of desires that are “bad for you,” or a denying of your feelings for the sake of “something better.” Often this preaching of self-control is aimed towards women and people of color, or people who have lots of feelings. That is not self-control!

Self-control is an ability to understand one’s feelings and act righteously from those feelings. It’s not a denial of our desires. It’s not being ruled by our desires. The self in self-control demonstrates how strong one’s perspective can overtake the needs/good of others. So in order for the self not to go haywire with its wants, the control comes from seeing one’s desires in light of your grandest purpose and the people that may be affected by your want. Self-control is holding our desires and feelings without judgment to consider how it will affect us when expressed and those in the path of them.

Jesus in that temple is self-control personified. He knew and felt his anger. He wrecked his “Father’s house” which had been violated for capitalistic purposes. Yes, he was passionate, and his passion stemmed from his overflowing purpose. Jesus didn’t participate in a riot; he started a rebellion. Riots alone for the sake of destruction are not helpful, but rebellions that are part of a greater revolution to restore humanity, that we must be for.

Prayer: God I pray for a healthy way to express my anger that doesn’t destroy. God I pray for justice and my responsibility to enact it. God I pray for restoration and my role in it. God I pray for anger aimed for the sake of renewal and restoration.

Character: Where have I chosen to hurt others and myself rather than vulnerably express my anger?

Grace: How does God’s justice feel?

CBG: Faithfulness

May 26, 2020 — Leave a comment

And [Jesus] said, “There was a man who had two sons. And the younger of them said to his father, “Father, give me the share of property that is coming to me.” And he divided the property between them. Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had and took a journey into a far country, and there he squandered his property in reckless living. And when he had spent everything, a severe famine arose in that country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him into his fields to feed pigs. And he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything. But when he came to himself, he said, “How many of my father’s hired servants have more than enough bread, but I perish here with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants.” And he arose and came to his father.

But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. And the son said to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.” But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost and is found. And they began to celebrate.

Now his older son was in the field, and as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. And he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant. And he said, “Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf, because he has received him back safe and sound.’ But he was angry and refused to go in. His father came out and entreated him, but he answered his father, ‘Look, these many years I have served you, and I have never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him!’ And he said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost and is found.”

Luke 15:11-32

I want to be like the Father in this story: generous, quick to forgive and gentle. His younger son had squandered his money, disgraced the family name, broken up the family and yet, he sees the heart of the matter. His son was lost and is now found! Everything else — material, past hurts, pains — pale in comparison to this true victory! When his older son is angry, he listens and then beckons him in with love.

However, we are often like the children. Some days we are the younger son — impulsive, short-sighted and self-deprecating. YOLO at its finest. He goes from living big and large to forsaking his identity to become a servant. Other days we are very much the older son — rigid, slightly resentful and victim-prone. He lives his life in a particular order from a place of obligation and systems rather than from freedom and love. The sons are so involved with themselves that they miss the presence of their father, their reason, their security, their everything.

The father is faithful both to the son who hurts him and to the son who resents him. He sees his sons, their identity that cannot be marred by circumstances. He remembers how they were as children. He remembers how they have loved him and needed him, and truly will always need him. He hopes even when he’s been hurt. He draws near even in the face of hard impenetrable armor. He sacrifices his goods because they are not sacrifices; they are celebrations! The father is faithfulness embodied. Faithfulness defies reason. Faithfulness draws from love. Faithfulness is an unbreakable vow that can’t be explained with words. Faithfulness is a promise to hold and love even when the object of our affections doesn’t return the same.

Prayer: God I pray for a faithfulness to your sanctification and your guidance. I pray to be tethered to nothing else, but your call and purposes for my life. I pray that that faithfulness to you will bring me to places that make no sense, people that make no sense and purposes that are aligned with your heart.

Character: Where, what and who have you been holding out of obligation?

Grace: Where, what and who have held you?