sorrow

Dare you to Hope

October 4, 2020 — Leave a comment

Therefore, I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? And why do you worry about your clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you — you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:25-34

There is a comfort and a familiarity with worrying. There is an acceptance to stress, especially at a time like now. There might even be an expectation to think about all the what if’s and have nots because that aligns with the vibe of the world. I have experienced the guilt of enjoying a moment, of receiving a generous gift, of having a genuine beautiful explosive moment during times of collective sorrow & grief. It feels selfish. It feels inappropriate. It feels like I’m living in a bubble, under a rock and oblivious to how the world is going.

Here’s the truth: the world is hurting. The world has been hurting and the world will continue to hurt. And I pray that our heart will always align with that heartache which drives us to hope and to impact. I pray that the grief and sorrow of this world would propel us to make it better and to make ourselves better. So if this is the reality, can we allow ourselves to also find moments when we don’t have to worry and instead look up at the stars and have an explosive faith that reverberates, I will be okay. Things will be okay? Can we give ourselves permission to enjoy the lilies of the field? Can we give ourselves permission to hope SO BIG that it pushes out the anxiety and fears?

So my exhortation is beyond not worrying. I dare you to enjoy. I dare you to have faith that all things will work out for your good. I dare you to know with all your heart, you will be provided for, especially when it feels empty and lacking right now. I dare you to look at the stars and at the flowers and trust that God loves you even more than those. This is scary. This is vulnerable. To not let worry be our guide but instead to spark the faith and hope in each of us is radical and will make this hurting world a bit more joyful.

CBG: Offensive Love

June 6, 2020 — Leave a comment

Now Jesus had not yet come into the village, but was still in the place where Martha had met him. When the Jews who were with her in the house, consoling her, saw Mary rise quickly and go out, they followed her, supposing that she was going to the tomb to weep there. Now when Mary came to where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet, saying to him, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled. And he said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord, come and see.” Jesus wept. So the Jews said, “See how he loved him!” But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man also have kept this man from dying?” Then Jesus, deeply moved again, came to the tomb. It was a cave, and a stone lay against it. Jesus said, “Take away the stone.” Martha, the sister of the dead man, said to him, “Lord, by this time there will be odor, for he has been dead four days.” Jesus said to her, “Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?” So they took away the stone. And Jesus lifted up his eyes and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, But I said this on account of the people standing around, that they may believe that you sent me.” When he had said these things, he cried out with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out.” The man who had died came out, his hands and feet bound with linen strips, and his face wrapped with a cloth. Jesus said to them, “Unbind him, and let him go.” Many of the Jews therefore, who had come with Mary and had seen what he did, believed him, but some of them went to the Pharisees and told them what Jesus had done. So the chief priests and the Pharisees gathered the council and said, “What are we to do? For this many performs many signs. If we let him go on like this, everyone will believe in him, and the Romans will come and take away both our place and our nation.”

John 11:30-48

The sorrow of the place. The declaration from Mary that Jesus was her brother’s keeper. The calling out of Jesus’ power. The grief. The community. It overtook Jesus. In this particular case, he demonstrated his love and power by resurrecting the dead.

He showed up for the community even when he didn’t know exactly what he was going to witness. He held their emotions that it broke him down to their level of grief. He then acted in a way that demonstrated the heights and power of his love.

Sacrificial love requires us to show up even when we might not know what we will encounter and how we will be received. It requires us to be with others so deeply that it feels like it is our own the sorrow and suffering. We are our brother’s keeper. Suffering onto them is suffering onto us. We must go near. We must look into the eyes of those hurting. We must draw so near it troubles our spirit. I wish all sacrificial love can result in resurrection on earth. However, the love needs to be demonstrated so profoundly that it draws people into immense hope and faith and/or make people hate you. This was the moment when people drew even nearer, surrendered even more to love and the kingdom Jesus had preached. This was also the moment the Pharisees began their plot to kill Jesus. They saw their power slipping away. They needed to protect their power. Sacrificial love will draw some to more love and draw out the insidious fears in others. Love anyway.

Prayer: I am my brother’s keeper. Keep breaking my heart until I see those suffering as my own suffering. Move me to act in a way that offends both those who are hurt to restorative love and those who are oppressing to fear.

Where is my heart callous?

CBG: #19

April 8, 2020 — Leave a comment

Truly, truly, I say to you, you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice. You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn into joy. When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world. So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you. In that day you will ask nothing of me. Truly, truly, I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in my name, he will give it to you. Until now you have asking nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive that your joy may be full.

John 16:20-24

We must give as much room to the pain and sorrow, as we do the celebration and the joy. Each gives the other meaning. Within the conversation between sorrow and joy is the presence of God. In the presence of God we can hold things loosely, give generously and express vulnerably. Our worth is not in question and out of this worthiness our asks are legitimate. It’s difficult to ask from hurt because it can further make us feel small and guilty. We might not ask when we’re feeling abundant because we lose our sensitivity to our fallibility and humanity. When we exist in a place of enough-ness and whole-hearted worth, it sifts our asks through gratitude and humility. These asks don’t involve a need; they are for connection.

Prayer: Grow my sensitivity to the world and to you. Grow my capacity for joy. Renew it. Restore it. Help me trust that there are times for sorrow and times for joy. Help me not to judge wherever I’m at.

Creative: Meditate on a strength and create from there!

Brave: Share how God has been at work in your life this week with anyone.

Generous: Is there someone we may have “forgotten” because they’re “probably fine?” Reach out.

CBG: #8

March 28, 2020 — Leave a comment

How long, Lord? Because no one really knows how long this will take…weeks? months? Will you forget me forever? Literally feel alone How long will you hide your face from me? I get this is supposed to “bring us closer to you” and “reveal our humanity” and “you’re in control, and you’re good so, like, rest in that” but DUDE, can’t you just for once show up in a fireworks show so I know it’s you?! How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? Because I’m having some nasty AF thoughts and I’m jumping through all the emotions in a much quicker cycle than I normally do. How long will my enemy triumph over me? Like covid, and the damn president, and the irritating harmful ways people around me are trying to “fix” me and “give me solutions” because they don’t know how to wrestle with their inability to change and make me feel better Look on me and answer, Lord my God. Waiting. Literally not busy and available for your answer. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” and my foes will rejoice when I fall. I don’t know. I’m not trying to win. I just really need your kindness and love and your overt intimacy to be here. I miss those days when I KNEW you were right next to me and speaking to me. I miss being in an environment witnessing firsthand your presence. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. What else can I do? What else do I have? I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me. I’m alive. I’m breathing. I know it will work out. Eventually.

Psalm 13 (WITH MY LIZARD BRAIN WAY OF PRAYING)

Creative: Be kind to yourself.

Brave: Be kind to yourself.

Generous: Be kind to yourself.

Ross Gay – The joining of sorrow as joy

July 27, 2019 — Leave a comment

Is sorrow the true wild? What if we joined our sorrows? What if, what if…What if that is joy?

Why do we go into the wild? Because deep down we believe that there is something in the wild that will make us more alive, help us see greatness and put us in our rightful place. In the wild you may get hurt, you may get lost, you may cry and long for home. You will doubt why you took the journey in the first place. You might not even have a destination so it’s by faith to know when the adventure stops. But each thing you encounter might be the complete reason for why you came out into the wild. Each step could be it. Each look. Each feel. Each moment could be that moment.

The wilderness of sorrow is full of thorns, of ungardened weeds that have crowded my soul. I now take my sword, my boots and my everything and go into the places that will break my heart, and lead me to the pool of wholeness I was made to swim in.

Sorrows I’m afraid to deal with: abandonment by my family, my fear of intimacy, my body conscious mind, my propensity to exchange joys for comparison

Sh*t Christians Don’t Say: Dis-honor Ma & Pa

July 12, 2019 — Leave a comment

Honor your mother and father. One of the 10 commandments. Growing up hearing this over and over again, against the backdrop of a father who tried to kill me with a chair and a mother who shamed me for how dark my skin is, was difficult. Honor your mother and father. I would look up passages and search and ask to see if there was any way around this commandment. How could I honor people who harmed me? How could I continue to honor those that made me feel invisible and small?

When I tell people I’m not close to my family, people say I get that, me too. Then those same people proceed to share how they’re going on vacay with their family or how their dad sent them an article to read. I am not close to my family. They don’t ask me questions. They don’t know when I’m sad. We sit quietly at home, like true strangers in the facade of relatedness.

When I tell people, I don’t like my family. I often get, they’re doing the best they can. If you want to, you can. They’re parents etc. I’m a grown woman and my drunk dad told me I’m a disappointment and he’s been tolerating me. I’m a grown woman and as I leave to go back to LA, my dad doesn’t make eye contact with me, but instead as I’m leaving, says I’m a liar. I have no integrity. Yeah. I had written him a card saying when I was in New York I would take him out to eat. I forgot and I didn’t follow through. That’s my fault. But instead of bringing it up, he aggressively calls me a liar and shamed me as I leave. And the only reason why I know it has something to do with this meal promise is because my mom later sends me 15 voice mails about how I failed there. Yes. I didn’t follow through and fine, I lied. I made a promise and I failed. But is the way to deal with me to shame me, yell at me and make me truly never want to take him out for a meal? Also why does he want that when he doesn’t even talk to me when I’m home? He does nothing but mutter under his breath how I suck and then drink. It’s not even 9am.

When I tell people, I hate my family, I feel judged. I believe people think I’m being dramatic and callous. My parents are immigrants who sacrificed so much for me. And now there is never room for me to hate them. At what point am I no longer held to this filial obligation for something I had no control over? How much shame, fear and anger must I endure for me to have enough reason to draw my boundaries.

Honor your mother and father. I feel shame around that commandment. I feel that I will never do that enough. Is me coming home every time even after such horrific times, good enough? That’s my version of forgiveness but I can’t forget. It’s in my body. I’m miserable when I’m home. I want to cry but there’s no where to cry and as I’m writing this on the subway, I have to be careful that the floodgates don’t suddenly open.

How do I DIStance myself and not DisHonor? Does that make you more comfortable? If I never see my parents again, I really would not be sad. They haven’t been part of my life. When I think of my blood family, I am filled with grief, hurt, sadness and fear. I don’t like who I become. I don’t like how trapped I feel. Am I allowed to DISHonor my parents? Truth is, they probably already see me as a dishonorable dishonest daughter.

Day 35: Kick me when I’m down

January 20, 2019 — Leave a comment

Leviticus 16-18; Psalm 35

After Aaron LOST his sons, God asks him to APOLOGIZE AND ATONE. Let’s be real. At first blush, I’m thinking God is being a real asshole. Who’s with me? This guy just LOST his sons and you want to kick him while he’s down? Have you ever felt that? When you’re down and upset and not sure what the hell went wrong and how you got here.. and then in that moment you’re told You’re wrong and it’s your fault? But… are there times when our sorrow is our fault? Our sorrow is because of our own misbehavior and our own impulsiveness? Does it mean our sorrow doesn’t count? HELL NO! You are sad and you go cry and eat ice cream and have a drink. Be sad. It’s the not being sad that makes you bitter and wallow. But… you might also have been at fault. Maybe your past and your experiences pushed you to be mean or rude or awful? It doesn’t excuse what you did, but it puts it in context. We all exist in context. People act out of emotions that are entrenched from experiences. Those experiences create a deep belief system. So sometimes we may be at fault for a wrongdoing; it doesn’t take away from our worth. Maybe it’s our ego that stops us from owning up. Maybe it’s our ego that stops us from really understanding where we come from, what has made us who we are, what has closed us off and pushed us away from others. Not speaking from experience…

I am one with high walls and I shut down on a dime. And it has hurt many people who love me. I can be cold and short because I’m hurt, but even if I’m hurt, I’m not supposed to hurt those around me. My past experiences of being neglected and emotionally shut down don’t excuse my wrongdoing but it means if I want to address my wrongdoing, I need to re-narrate how I’ve interpreted my experience. It’s a work in progress that requires continual forgiveness, humility and grace.