I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine, you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.
John 15:1-11
When you bear fruit, you will be pruned. Abiding in God, abiding in love, abiding in a value system are not easy. Underlying this season of surrender and pause is a gardening ecosystem. Turning the soil so parts that have been hidden are in the light. Removing parasites and dead materials that harm or do not belong. Planting new seeds with anticipation of their blooming. As a non-gardener, I experience impatience in this process. Impatience and all, we are several weeks in, so there is evidence of a before and after. Go and look at your garden.
- What have you surrendered that you do not miss?
- What have you lost that remains unfilled?
- What aches and longings in your heart that once buried are revealed?
- Where do you want more patience?
- What new discoveries about yourself, others and God have you made whether today, this week or this season?
xx
Are you there God? 
1. I’ve surrendered my yoga studio that I don’t miss. It’s been awesome getting to do online workouts with my sister. I’ve surrendered driving my car in traffic, which I definitely do not miss. The FOMO of “weekend events” is sort of gone. My ego with calling my parents. I don’t miss my events job and having to sell a product.
2. I miss people watching and drinking coffee at shops I love. I miss in-person acting classes and the feeling of a room shifting. I miss hugs. I miss physical touch.
3. I long for my own family. I long for a home that I can call my own, where I can host and give sanctuary. I long to be seen and known and loved. I want to date. I want to be in a relationship with a partner-in-action, cool AF and cares too much.
4. I find myself in the midst of the industry at a stand still feeling like my career is never going to happen. It makes me sad. It makes me want to give up. I’ve been doing this for 8 years now and I feel like I’ve made slow progress. I hate the comparison planted in me. I want representation that really sees me and pushes me forward. I need more patience here.
5. My armor is to protect my very fragile, sensitive raw heart. I have the ability to push the boundaries out to give my heart room to breathe without others touching it. God has not left me and this proof is in my friendships and in my family. I am grateful for my family.
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