Today is the anniversary of the Atlanta spa shootings. Anniversary feels like a bizarre word to use for something horrific, but I’m mentally too exhausted to find a better suited word.
What does it look like to fast my armor and surrender my defenses today?
It looks like feeling my feet on the ground, and remembering the space I get to take.
It feels like forgiving myself when I’m not smiling even though it’s spring warm temperatures.
It feels like not being apologetic when I’m angry with rude people.
It looks like not smiling.
It feels like taking a chance at feeling joy today whether it’s from being grateful for the time to write or having the financial access to buy this too-expensive cold brew.
If feels like hoping that things will be better, even if the world throws lots of sad and bad at us.
It feels like trusting that there are good people in this world. There are many good people. I like to believe most people are good.
It means forgiving others when they forget the pain I’m in being an Asian woman in this world.
It means forgiving myself when I forget to love being an Asian woman in this world.
It means forgiveness.
It means taking deep belly breaths and being present, even if that feels extra full.
surrender
Lent 2022: Surrendering the need to punish
Nothing gets under my skin more than when evil and rudeness occur and perpetrators get away from it. From Putin’s ruthless egotistical war to Florida’s ridiculous laws against freedom of speech and sexuality to the men who never move aside and assume YOU need to move, I want to scream. I want heaps of coal to befall these evil doers. Underneath my demand for consequences is my lack of faith in God’s Justice and grace. I don’t fully believe God sees our hurt and our harm. I don’t fully believe that God has our back. I don’t even believe he fully forgives me when I’m the perpetrator of bad.
To believe in mercy is to believe in Justice
To hope for renewal and redemption and repentance is to hope for grace
To demand others be better is to demand for myself to be better. Can I trust that my grace and forgiveness and surrendering my need to retaliate will return to me, strength, love and greater clarity of the human condition?
Lent 2022: Under the Banner of Annoyance
I came home after a 16 mile run and I’m running behind to go to church service. The last thing I want to find is an occupied bathroom, and worst a roommate who takes his sweet time in it. I’m seething in my spirit, aching in my body, and positive he’s taking longer because he knows I need the restroom.
^^What do I gain by thinking that his bathroom usage was a personal affront to me? What do I gain by thinking that folks are not mindful? What do I gain by thinking the world is out to get me?
It gives me permission to be PISSED. It gives me permission to not be as kind as I should be. It gives me permission to armor up and fight the next person who looks at me wrong.
I am highly sensitive and I get irritated so easily. Because under my quickness to get annoyed is my grip on control — things need to be according to MY timeline, people need to act according to how I THINK, in my brain.
I wish I could say, now that I know, now that I’ve verbalized my flaw, I am ready to let go and surrender. Quite the opposite, now that I know, I feel myself doubling down on my need to control and my fear of surrender. I’m afraid that when I let go, I won’t be able to put the lid back on. I’m afraid that if I surrender my agenda, and the story that the world is against me, I’ll need to show up even more. When you show up more, you risk getting hurt more… but you also risk more joy and discovery.
I think I loved the pandemic emotions because I was allowed to be sad and scared without having to explain myself. I mean, look outside. But now that the pandemic is falling to the background and the world is opening up again, I see myself putting on the mask of happy and gratitude, when I’m just desperate to be sad and be disappointed. I believe you can be sad and disappointed without self-pity, and I want to be that, without having to explain myself, without having to first give a disclaimer of joy.
I love my sadness and fear because I’m sensitive and vulnerable and easily affected by the feels of the world. Now I want to be comfortable to exist in that without the gearing up to fend off people that want to fix me or make me feel better. I want to be confident enough in myself that how you see me isn’t as important as me living honestly.
Lent 2022: Fasting my defenses
…and surrendering my armor.
I have spent most of my life feeling like I need to protect myself, and showcase strength in a manner that feels on my skin. I have been taught and I have experienced a world that doesn’t have my life and presence as things of importance. Well, then let me show you I’m worthy to be respected. But this actually has only pushed people away, built my own guilt, and encouraged me to build narratives of fear & separation.
Can I trust that my worth is secure by surrendering my need to self-protect? Can I hear all the words and see all the actions from eyes of compassion and grace? Maybe they are not against me. Maybe they are simply hurt and you came across their path. Maybe your lack of defenses will be a connective strength…
Today a man was very rude to me, and I felt my body tense and go into anger. My thoughts built tales about him. I was so angry that he got away with being so mean to me. Already feeling like I missed my fast… I took a breath, and slowly let go. What was under my anger and within my stories? My sadness. My fear. My ability to still hope and still go about life not expecting rudeness. That was an exception. That was not about me. My response is about me.
Advent: Day 1
Advent is anticipation, it’s waiting, it’s knowing that good is coming…and we gotta be patient.
When I’m hangry, the time before my feeding is brutal. I feel like I have lost control of my emotions. I feel like I could bite someone’s head off if they say the wrong thing. I feel pissed and then more pissed because I don’t know why I’m so pissed. When I finally realize it’s because I’m hungry, I get a spurt of light and hope. Ah, a solution!! I forgive myself for the thoughts and feelings and potentially behaviors before my need realization. Sometimes I brave the wait by trying to convince myself the hunger will pass. Actually if you press long enough, the hunger does pass. Other times I immediately go venturing for the food. Now if I’m in search for food, this time is also brutal. Because the solution is clear and feels close, yet too far away. I get focused. I get quiet. I am determined. This is also vulnerable territory because any obstacle can be a land mine. But then when I get that first bite, I am blown away, like heaven has come to meet me in my mouth. I love everyone. I love this food. I am grateful. I forget that I was once upon a time, a minute ago, about to slay and rage. I am simply overcome by this food that I knew would cure me, yet also didn’t fully know would bring me so much life.
Why this story? Because advent can feel like this slew of this and that and pissy attitude, even when you know what’s about to come. Because advent, anticipation, waiting and future promises can bring up a lot of feelings and doubts and land mines? Because you might not even know what this advent uncovers! I know the coming of hope and Justice is damn good and is about to, has come.
But the in between, the moments when your body and the world seem to take over, need to be acknowledged and embraced. It’s okay to be pissy and hungry and longing and disappointed and dissatisfied and excited and impatient and patient and … all of it. Take a breath. Allow for it.
What are you waiting for?
What do you know without a doubt, is going to happen, but just requires some trust in timing?
Can you anticipate good instead of glum? Can you anticipate all your dreams and promises coming true? Can you anticipate god’s YES for you?
Take a breath. Let time do it’s job.
Yesterday I found out that a good friend of mine got an amazing opportunity. I was so happy and inspired by her. I wish my feelings stopped there, but as I am a hypersensitive overthinking feelings-drawn human, I sunk deep into a well of emotions that made me feel guilty. I was jealous. I was disappointed in myself. Dare I say, I was even angry that the world blesses people like my friend and people like me are meant to ride the Ferris wheel to nowhere special. And I know! “Jealousy and disappointment really just show WHAT YOU WANT!” “Friends getting great things means THE UNIVERSE CAN GIVE IT TO YOU, TOO.” “Express the feelings and they will move, sweet pea.” I journaled and I cried and I prayed and I drank and I walked up the Hudson River to get my body moving.
Yet the feelings lingered and I stayed in the not yet and already of, trusting what is mine will not be taken from me. I just wished I was less human and only had super celebratory thoughts for my friend.
Then today I got an answer to prayer — an opportunity that gave me a clear exit from the service job I wasn’t super excited about starting. I could not believe the timing of the call. I could not believe I felt so excited after weeks of ambient grumpiness. I experienced this unexpected joy again.
I don’t want the solution to jealously and disappointment to a tangible exciting opportunity that refocuses your brain. But it helps! It really helps because I am a scared child full of doubt. But banking on physical opportunities is throwing things into the wind. So in this current moment of bliss here are my takeaways that might snap me out of my next stretch of dark gray:
Who has reached out to me recently that I can point to as life rafters? Thank them!
I don’t need to justify my life to anyone who doesn’t believe in faithful living.
Is there anyone around you you can help so you can pull your head out of the well?
Treat yourself to a cookie or a margarita or an expensive Pilates class.
Only the brave can live moment to moment, like Anna, doing the next right thing. And if you don’t know, call a friend.
Thank you god for granting me gifts that remind me I am not forgotten, that my path is uniquely mine, and I am worthy regardless of the outcome.
God’s got a plan for ya! (Thank you and Fuck you.)
The last thing a person wading through waiting wants to hear is, “God’s got a plan for ya!” “Thank you so much for sweeping right over my present emotional state and desperate cry for help by reflecting some Sunday school truth that only makes YOU feel better! Thank you so much for smacking me in the face with a block of promise that makes God feel disappointing, slow to work and absent. Thank you for ignoring the human in front of you for the desire to be some sort of faithful sounding hero. Thank you so much! Thank you.”
I’m not frustrated by your pithy saying because I don’t believe it. I’m angry and sad because I do believe it so fully while feel like a scared desperate child. Yes and yes. I know God has plan for me. I have to believe that or why bother going on in this world that feels on the verge of a global explosion. I’m angry and sad because when you say, “God’s got a plan for ya,” I am reminded of my inability to control the future, my exhaustion from trying to predict the future and my need for a god who does have a mighty magical plan for me. I am sad and scared and I have great faith that things will pan out. I am angry and tired and hopeful that being present right now leads to the next right thing.
Humans spoon out trash sayings and advice. However if we allow it, egos aside and our radar for best intentions on, even that can become treasure. God has a plan for me. Right now I am feeling eh and expectant in the plan.
Easter Sunday: I gain it all
Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords o the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter — when you see the naked, to clothe them, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? Then your light will break forth like the dawn and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I. If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and you will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings. If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath and from doing as you please on my holy day, if you call the Sabbath a delight and the Lord’s holy day honorable, and if you honor it by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words, then you will find your joy in the Lord, and I will cause you to ride in triumph on the heights of the land and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob. For the mouth of the Lord has spoken.
Isaiah 58: 6-14
We can trust this sort of fasting and this level of giving up, because we are founded on the hope of Easter. Easter is proof that hope, love, renewal, fulfillment have the last word. Easter is proof that our pain is never in vain. Easter is proof that the sun will rise again. Easter is proof that death is not the end.
We do not give up in vain.
We are not pressed to live radically in vain.
We are not called to share, surrender, speak up for injustice in vain.
All of our giving up, our stripping away, our faithful generosity, our faith-led moves that make no sense in a capitalistic man-eat-man world MAKE SENSE if we know that God does not exist in vain.
God is for our good.
God is for our justice.
God is for forgiveness, repentance, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness.
We give up so we can gain God.
We give up the things that hold us down so we can see on the level of God.
We give up the things that keep us small and that make us feel unworthy so that we remember who we really are in God’s eyes.
You are beautiful.
You are enough.
You are destined to change this world, care for your neighbor, speak out so love wins.
Your purpose is great so give up all the things that don’t align with that. Give up the things that make you hold tighter on the world. Give up the things that turn you away from soul work.
Give up the world. Gain your soul.
Give up your former ways. Gain a risen way of being in this world that needs it.
I give up for God. I give up for you. I give up for me. I give up knowing that I have already gained it all.
Lent Day 41: I give up Resentment
If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.
Isaiah 58:9-12
I give up resentment. I give up retaliation. I give up grudges. I give up hurting myself in an attempt to show another person they hurt me. I give into forgiveness. I give into breath. I give into God holding my hands when I can’t seem to keep my head up. I give into God on my side, in me, beside me, before me, behind me. God I pray that you will clear out the bitter and hardened parts of me and replace them with tender and curious openings.
Lent Day 40: I give up My Agenda
Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter — when you see the naked, to clothe them, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
Isaiah 58:6-9
I give up my agenda, in exchange for a divine proposal. I give up my agenda, in exchange for divine appointments. I give up my agenda for God’s timing. I give up my agenda for a life that I alone cannot conjure up or imagine. I give up my agenda of getting even. I give up my agenda of proving myself. I give up my agenda that doesn’t involve God and humanity and the earth. I give up my agenda so I can listen to the voices of my ancestors and hold the generations that will come after me. I give over the procession to God and I anticipate their entrance. Happy Palm Sunday.
Are you there God? 