Night Time Routine

September 13, 2020 — Leave a comment

Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God.
Give me relief from distress; have mercy on me and hear my prayer.
How long will you people turn my glory into shame?
How long will you love delusions and seek false gods?
Know that the Lord has set apart his faithful servant for himself; the Lord hears when I call to him.
Tremble and do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent.
Offer the sacrifices of the righteous and trust in the Lord.
Many, Lord, are asking, ‘Who will bring us prosperity?’ Let the light of your face shine on us.
Fill my heart with joy when their grain and new wine abound.
In peace I will die down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.

Psalm 4

Who can have a good night’s rest these days when our days are filled with so much unprocessed, unfinished and unanswered? Yet what good does bringing distress into rest do but make the next day even worst. How can we trust enough to let our bodies and minds rest for a night? How can we quiet our anxious hearts for a deep peaceful sleep?

Search your hearts.
Surrender all the feels, the worries & fears to God for safe keeping, just for the night. Don’t worry, they may very well still be there the next morning.
Breathe in the mercy of God.
Breathe out the shortcomings of the day.
Breathe in your set apart-ness, made for a purpose, nature.
Breathe out the comparisons.
Tomorrow, the light will shine upon your face.
Tomorrow will be new.
Amen.

Faith with no Doubt

September 11, 2020 — Leave a comment

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not supposed that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

James 1:5-8

Let him ask in faith with no doubting.

Think of a time when you were in such desperation and lack. When you asked God or, when you were so exhausted and downtrodden that you simply through your needs out there in an informal, messy, uncurated manner, there was no room for disclaimers or caveats. You asked, you begged, you cried out for help because you were already so broken and down, a crumb from the sky would have been a miracle. Those are moments of faith with no doubting.

Asking in faith with no doubt isn’t only in a move-mountains strength.
Asking in faith with no doubt is a vulnerable and surrendered posture. Asking in faith with no doubt isn’t simply reciting God’s word back to God.
Asking in faith with no doubt is an intimate and honest blurt of your need. Asking in faith with no doubt isn’t always pretty and brings up congregation AMEN’S.
Asking in faith with no doubt is quiet, desperate and gray.

Where doubt can seep in to destroy the faith and surrender you had is after you receive from God. How often do we get the thing we asked and we start questioning our worth for receiving said gift? How often do we get handed the exact thing we needed and start doubting that we deserve to be getting it? How often does doubt destroy the worship we would have given back to God?

I have been honest about feeling lonely and lacking in community. Yesterday I had the most incredible repetition with a friend that showed me the depths of intimacy and family. Yet during it, I felt so guilty for laying my truest self on my friend. Later that night, I received an email about an acting scholarship. I was floored that I actually received it and immediately started to doubt that I should be getting it. They certainly made a mistake. If not, I needed to do everything to prove that I deserve the scholarship. My mind went spiraling that I couldn’t even enjoy the gift. So to me and to you:

You received because you had faith and you have a good God. Your worth was the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Receive it humbly, praise without bounds and show up fully as your gift in return.

Ready to Mingle

September 10, 2020 — Leave a comment

And they devoted themselves to the apostles teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. And all who believed were together and had all things in common. And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, praising God, and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved.

Acts 2:42-47

What a fellowship! What a community! How do we have any of this now when the kindest and wisest thing is to limit gathering? Moreover, how do we have this kind of community when our hearts are discouraged, hurt and distrusting of the church? What is my part to play?

I will never forget my first year in Los Angeles. It was in my community group that I met my first & best friends, reopened my heart to God and ate a lot of delicious free food. When my grandma passed away, my community group rallied around me to pray for my family’s healing and for my time back home. It was in that fellowship that I came to know the tangible power of Jesus, the presence Holy Spirit and the provision of the Father. Fast forward to now, I feel very disconnected and disheartened by the church. Like with any group of people, I have experienced judgments, relationship fall outs, disagreements that seem to divide more than show diversity and distance. Some in part because I pulled away with the expectation that someone would come get me, and didn’t. Some because I no longer tolerate the wrongs I once allowed because I didn’t want to make others uncomfortable. So here I am, feeling separated and distant from the thing that once upon a time brought me so much healing, joy and belonging.

So with my heart bruised and weary, I read Acts 2 knowing that, yet still, it is a community of vulnerability, generosity and joy that I need. Where can I be more vulnerable, generous and grateful? With whom can I exhibit more of these to build this Acts 2 community? And this is the hardest: what will it take for me to still have faith and hope that it is worth it to be surrounded by people who love God? Can past memories and miracles propel be back into that space of faith? Can letting go of resentment and judgment bring me back into the fold of relationships that are actually ready for me? Who can I invite into this process of rebuilding my trust in church?

I read Acts 2 with such jealousy and longing. I miss and need so much of what it talks about. The devotion to learning together. The breaking of bread together. The prayer together. The generosity and gladness experienced together. The growth in friendships. These things without the together, feel lacking and sad. Virtual fellowship falls short. Podcasts come and fade. I wish I had the solution for you, for me. I’m here acknowledging that I miss these things and I want these things, and we need to do that first. God, open my heart to see where opportunities for safe community lie in today’s landscape. I’m ready.

Faith led you to the Desolate

September 9, 2020 — Leave a comment

Then Jesus called his disciples to him and said, ‘I have compassion on the crowd because they have been with me now three days and have nothing to eat. And I am unwilling to send them away hungry, lest they faint on the way.’ And the disciples said to him, ‘Where are we to get enough bread in such a desolate place to feed so great a crowd?’ And Jesus said to them, ‘How many loaves do you have?’ They said, ‘Seven and a few small fish.’ And directing the crowd to sit down on the ground, he took the seven loaves and the fish, and having given thanks he broke them and gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the crowds. And they all ate and were satisfied. And they took up seven baskets full of the broken pieces left over.

Matthew 15:32-37

I find myself at this story every time I’m in a resource bind or a mindset of lack. Today I was listening to a Brene Brown podcast with Dr. Sonenshein about the concept of “stretching,” being resourceful and creative with what you already have. Stretching requires scrappiness, a clear focus on purpose/goals and a heart check on what really makes you joyful and full. Dr. Sonenshein touched on meditating on a time when you were stretchy. What were you feeling then? Who were you with? Can that power that is possible come flowing back now?

The disciples might have been too tired to think outside of the box. They might have lacked stretchy-ness because they were focused on their circumstances and their limitations. They might have been worried about Jesus’ well-being. When their guard is down and they blurt their truth, Jesus always makes room for a teaching moment. Jesus followed through with his compassion for the people. His feelings flowed into faithful action.

But what I rarely think about is the crowd. They have been with Jesus for three days. They are tired, hungry, surrounded, stranded, yet still there. They followed without knowing when their next meal would come. They were stranded in a desolate place with so many strangers. Yet here they are. They followed. They had faith. And they did get fed.

I don’t know where your plans and where life have taken you. You might feel stranded in some desolate place when you felt that you were following God, or what was the right thing to do. You’re surrounded by unfamiliar faces. Maybe worst, you feel alone, even though you seem to be surrounded by voices. God is preparing a feast for you. You are part of their miracle. You are not forgotten and your faith has indeed taken you to places no human mind could conjure up.

Fall into a new season

September 8, 2020 — Leave a comment

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

Normally after Labor Day, there is a mental shift to fall. Schools are starting. Denim jackets are coming out. White clothes are put away. But this year, schools have started and closed again. There is sweltering heat in California. Sweats are the only things people are wearing year round. But it can be helpful to transition into a new season, even if it’s telling yourself you’re doing it in the midst of circumstances seemingly the same.

It gives you a chance to reflect on what has happened thus far. How are you different now than when summer first started, when lock downs were first implemented, when you rung in the new year? How have you grown? What have you learned? What have you lost? Who have you lost? What are you not bringing into the next season?

It gives you a chance to imagine and bless this next chunk of time. What do you hope for? Where do you want to be more settled? What changes can take place right now?

Transitioning into a new season also gives you grace for the all the ways you fell short in the last season. It gives you a sense of newness that you actually do have permission to bring into every morning. You are allowed to again be hopeful for things that did not pan out. How can each day feel like a new beginning and a new ending? We are met with new mercies every morning and we have a sanctuary to let things go every night. May we gently use the time in between, trusting that all things will pan out in due time. It’s a level of trust rooted in purpose and in a good God.

The Testing of Friendships

September 7, 2020 — Leave a comment

When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, ‘Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?’ ‘Yes, Lord,’ he said, ‘you know that I love you.’ Jesus said, ‘Feed my lambs.’ Again Jesus said, ‘Simon son of John, do you love me?’ He answered, ‘Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.’ Jesus said, ‘Take care of my sheep.’ The third time he said to him, ‘Simon son of John, do you love me?’ Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, ‘Do you love me?’ He said, ‘Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.’

John 21: 15-17

It doesn’t feel good either to be the recipient or the reason for a broken relationship. A bad conversation. A surprising revelation of one’s character. Two life paths diverge because of exhaustion, unresolved resentment or lack of interest. Relationships build us up and tear us down, and we want the kind that tear down our walls, not our worth.

How often are we like Jesus, the one who was rejected and abandoned, yet also the one who later seeks out reconciliation? How often are we like Peter, set on our timeline of forgiveness and reconciliation and hurt when it doesn’t go as planned?

True friendships are difficult. The ones built to last go through fires, fights and forgiveness. It requires courage and humility to be the first to approach even when you have been wronged. It requires vulnerability to outwardly ask for care and respond with care. The journey of moving through different seasons of relationships often contain hurt, pain, repetition and uncomfortable intimacy. True friendships are worth it because as messy as the relationship between Jesus and Peter is, they exist when two people with the same mission towards humanity find each other. That is rare and testing in these scenarios can only survive if the calling and purpose remain at the core.

If you didn’t hold so dearly to your pride and ego, who would you reach out to? If you didn’t worry so much about your reputation or the sunk cost of friendship building, who would you let go? If you think about your deepest purposes in life, who do you feel safe to share those deepest secrets?

Spacious Heart

September 6, 2020 — Leave a comment

In you, Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness.
Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me.
Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me.
Keep me free from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge.
Into your hands I commit my spirit; deliver me, Lord, my faithful God.
I hate those who cling to worthless idols; as for me, I trust in the Lord.
I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.
You have not given me into the hands of the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place.

Psalm 31:1-8

God,
It feels like the world is closing in on me. I feel trapped and scared, helpless to the walls caving in on me, moving in with the purpose of crushing me, crushing the spirit in me. I feel taken under by the feelings that arise: feelings of anxiety, depression, guilt, shame and fear. I wave my arms for help but no one is around to come to my rescue. I wave my arms for help but those that are around are too busy with their own fears and pain to even see me. I wave my arms in surrender, throwing my white flag ready to give up.

I am tired of this constant feeling of discomfort. I am tired of trying to keep growing. I am tired of trying to be compassionate even when it doesn’t come back in return. I am tired of my patterns and behaviors that are harmful yet I don’t know how to change them. I am exhausted seeing my heart and how far I still need to go. I am exhausted seeing the world in pain. I am exhausted saying these things.

I hate the rise of anger. I hate the stirring of heartbreak. I hate the tears always moments away. I hate the loneliness. I hate the battles. I want to hide and I want to sleep and not wake up until the days are better. So God I beg you to hide me in your refuge to remind me of my strength and purpose. In your refuge, can you sing over me who I am in your eyes. In your refuge can you make hope more alive than anything else. In your refuge may you grow the space in my heart for those that make life hard and this life cruel. May you grow the space in my heart to be a forgiving and compassionate and humble warrior of your goodness. Set my feet, my heart and my soul in a spacious place trusting that even as things around me fall apart, I am rooted and I will come out alive in the rubble.

I pray because I have no other weapons. Amen.

Friends for Paradise

September 5, 2020 — Leave a comment

Two others, who were criminals, were led away to be put to death with [Jesus]…One of the criminals who were hanged railed at him, saying, ‘Are you not the Christ? Save yourself and us!’ But the other rebuked him saying, ‘Do you not fear God, since you are under the same sentence of condemnation? And we indeed justly, for we are receiving the due reward of our deeds; but this man has done nothing wrong.’ And he said, ‘Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.’ And he said to him, ‘Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise.’

Luke 23:32, 39-43

Peter had denied Jesus. Jesus’ closest friends fled. In Jesus’ last moments, he was stuck between two criminals, one who goes down in history sarcastic and pathetic and one whose faith gives him the most important friendship.

How do pain and humiliation lead you to react? Do you laugh it off, deflect and give a finger to the world? Do you own up to your current state and reach for a hope that might seem ridiculous? Do you, like Jesus, experience the pain fully while still making room for compassion? Who we are is most exposed in the limelight of humiliation and when we are recipients of punishment, whether right or not. There is no place where strength, courage and faith are either most displayed or most suppressed.

The three of them were about to die. Death was around the corner. There was no need for survival tactics. We often go around life armored up with survival tools and tactics. Which of these can you set down because you’re actually safe and which of these can you set down because it’s doing more harm than protection? How can you work towards days of more truthful exposure, even when it is scary and uncomfortable?

Instead of his closest friends by his side, Jesus endured his last moments with criminals and soldiers. Sometimes in our battles, the people by our sides might be the last people we’d want. Sometimes our most loyal friends will abandon us. Sometimes our longest friends are the ones least equip to handle us in our current season. I pray we give room to see who God has placed on our sides right now; some will suck, but some might be going into Paradise with us.

The Days In Between

September 4, 2020 — Leave a comment

And they told Mordecai what Esther had said. Then Mordecai told them to reply to Esther, ‘Do not think to yourself that in the king’s palace you will escape any more than all the other Jews. For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father’s house will perish. And who know whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this? Then Esther told them to reply to Mordecai, ‘Go, gather all the Jews to be found in Susa, and hold a fast on my behalf, and do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my young women will also fast as you do. Then I will go to the king, though it is against the law, and if I perish, I perish.’ Mordecai then went away and did everything as Esther had ordered him.

Esther 4:12-17

After Mordecai’s prompting, Esther decided what she was going to do. Well, Mordecai’s prompting is, you’ll potentially either die with us now or definitely die with others later, your choice. Death and destruction were inevitable; what mattered was which side Esther was going to die fighting on. Between her decision and her action, she called in her community and closest confidantes to fast. She didn’t fast to decide what to do; she fasted to ready her heart for what she is about to do. She knew the consequences of her actions. She needed the strength for the possible worst.

Esther was specifically selected for this time and place, but she was not alone in the process. You are specifically selected for this time and place for the specific actions you are called to enact. Can you have both certainty and flexibility with your plans? You may want to do such, but can you allow for how it will pan out to shift? Who benefits, besides you, for the decisions you are about to make? Who can keep you accountable in that gap between decision and action? Who can you tell that you’re scared, you feel ill-equipped, you feel like you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place?

I hope that you have such a person or peoples. I pray that beyond that you know you already have a posse in the Trinity. The Trinity always roots for deliverance, hope and renewal. I’m rooting for you to cross to that action, too!

Into the Well of anger

September 3, 2020 — Leave a comment

My God, whom I praise, do not remain silent,
for people who are wicked and deceitful have opened their mouths against me; they have spoken against me with lying tongues.
With words of hatred they surround me; they attack me without cause.
In return for my friendship they accuse me, but I am a man of prayer.
They repay me evil for good, and hatred for my friendship.
Appoint someone evil to oppose my enemy; let an accuser stand at his right hand.
When he is tried, let him be found guilty, and may his prayers condemn him.
May his days be few; may another take his place of leadership.
May his children be fatherless and his wife a widow.
May his children be wandering beggars; may they be driven from their ruined homes.
May a creditor seize all he has; may strangers plunder the fruits of his labor.
May no one extend kindness to him or take pity on his fatherless children.
May his descendants be cut off, their names blotted out from the next generation.
May the iniquity of his fathers be remembered before the Lord; may the sin of his mother never be blotted out.
May their sins always remain before the Lord, that he may blot out their name from the earth.
For he never thought of doing a kindness, but hounded to death the poor and the needy and the brokenhearted.
He loved to pronounce a curse — may it come back on him. He found no pleasure in blessing — may it be far from him.
He wore cursing as his garment; it entered into his body like water, into his bones like oil.
May it be like a cloak wrapped about him, like a belt tied forever around him.
May this be the Lord’s payment to my accusers, to those who speak evil of me.
But you, Sovereign Lord, help me for your name’s sake; out of the goodness of your love, deliver me.
For I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me.
I fade away like an evening shadow; I am shaken off like a locust.
My knees give way from fasting; my body is thin and gaunt.
I am an object of scorn to my accusers; when they see me, they shake their heads.
Help me, Lord my God; save me according to your unfailing love.
Let them know that it is your hand, that you, Lord, have done it.
While they curse, may you bless; may those who attack me be put to shame, but may your servant rejoice.
May my accusers be clothed with disgrace and wrapped in shame as in a cloak.
With my mouth I will greatly extol the Lord; in the great throng of worshipers I will praise him.
For he stands at the right hand of the needy, to save their lives from those who would condemn them.

Psalm 109

If you dare to press into the anger, accept and embrace the thoughts that scare you, reveal the venom and bitterness that are living in your chest in a pressure cooker, you may eventually get exhausted, untethered and exposed enough to come before God ready to be a source of healing.

The anger is the armor that needs to be embraced for its protection then slowly broken through.

The anger is as much truth as the truth that God is at the center capable and ready to take it on.

The anger is the layer of reality that reminds you that things are not as they should be.

It takes courage and faith to press into anger, press so deep that it presses into vulnerability. Under the anger is a softness that’s been protected by survival tactics. Under the anger is the innocence that once was and can be with the hope of God.

The goal of the anger is to become comfortable with the wounded and dependent heart, which abide in each of us. God can use that heart. God finds power in that heart. With that heart and surrender, God has the room to show their blessing & worship.