CBG: Vulnerability

May 5, 2020 — Leave a comment

O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!
You have set your glory above the heavens.
Out of the mouth of babies and infants, you have established strength because of your foes, to still the enemy and the avenger.
When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?
Yet you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings, and crowned him with glory and honor.
You have given him dominion over the works of your hands; you have put all things under his feet, all sheep and oxen, and also the beasts of the field, the birds of the heavens, and the fish of the seas, whatever passes along the paths of the seas.
O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!
Psalm 8

It takes a minute to receive a passage like the one above. If you are in a state of irritation, annoyance, anger, frustration, Psalm 8 feels trite. A lot of passages about God’s goodness and glory feel inappropriate according to our present attitudes. Within irritation, annoyance, anger and frustration is a sense of injustice that can armor us up. It is a tightening for safety. It is a pointing outward at all that is out of line and wrong. You have the right to do that. No one can deny your experience. No one can urge you to be soft when you feel slighted and scared and forgotten. I only ask, does the hardening harm you or help you? Is a softening more work or less work? What are you protecting when you harden? What and who are you forgiving when you soften? What will it take for you to feel vindicated? What needs to break for you to heal?

Psalms like the above can only enter through a porous vulnerability. Vulnerability is a conversation between protection and surrender, the risks and the gains. Vulnerability is a rebalancing of trust between that which we have given to humans and that which we give to God. Psalms of God’s goodness and love for us hold their weight most in our surrender. This life is an asymptote to that surrender, so have much grace when you’re not there yet have much hope that you are ever approaching that openness.

Prayer: When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him? When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him? When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?

Character: Where are you hard?

Grace: Where has Jesus demonstrated his redemption in the midst of that specific hardness?

CBG: Sacrificial Love

May 4, 2020 — Leave a comment

Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with out hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.
Hebrews 10:19-25

What an elaboration of the summation verse from 1 Corinthians 13, And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.

Why is the blood of Jesus and his flesh necessary for us to enter the holy places? What is the holy places? As a humanity, we too, need a human manifestation to viscerally and holistically know and experience God. That is the significance of God in the flesh, God on earth, God among us as Jesus Christ. It’s our way into the sacred through the profane. It’s our way into our holy through a form our current beings can understand. The blood of Jesus, (if we are willing to look beyond the nature of a violent gruesome capital murder because it eventually leads to the most glorious of rebirths), point to an unfathomable sacrificial love. A love so deep and free from any obligation on our part that it pulls us in. Sacrificial love is the ultimate way into connection and vulnerability. That is what exists in the holy places. It is a sanctuary before and with God that is void of any pretense and armor. In that place the unnecessary burdens and cares of this world fall away and we are built up with hope and faith to reenter to love and encourage others.

Through the sacrificial and visceral love of Jesus Christ, we are able to access a vulnerability that cleanses us and builds us up to in turn love and sacrifice others. Without the former, it can feel exhausting and impossible to do the latter. Without the former, it can feel obligatory and unnecessary to do the latter. Without the former, we cannot fully access vulnerability. It’s all about the love. It has to start from there, and we have full access to it.

Prayer: Lord, help me to always play the love, see the love, know the love that is in you. God help me to lay my armor down. God help me to be an encourager instead of a hater. God help me to live in a confidence marked by sacrificial love.

Character: Where have I let doubts and worries tamper my hope?

Grace: What does it feel like when I am in the holy places?

CBG: Reflection

May 3, 2020 — 1 Comment

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory.
Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you.
So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.
But those who seek to destroy my life shall go down into the depths of the earth; they shall be given over to the power of the sword; they shall be a portion for jackals.
But the king shall rejoice in God; all who swear by him shall exult, for the mouths of liars will be stopped.
Psalm 63

Sanctuary in the shadow of God’s wings is now and forever
Satisfaction and fullness are moments now but mostly leave us waiting
Longing and thirst are deep and near in the now
Heartache and broken relationships fog and found a lot of the now
Yet we must worship and praise now in spite of the now
Because God’s faithfulness still remains now and forever

How are you different now compared to last week and/or month?
Where are you exhausted?
What moments this week filled you?
What does worship look like for you?

My 10 verbs for this week:
Read Write Ask Thank Listen Pray Breathe Forgive Learn Give

CBG: Hope

May 2, 2020 — Leave a comment

Now Peter and John were going up to the temple at the hour of prayer, the ninth hour. And a man lame from birth was being carried, whom they laid daily at the gate of the temple that is called the Beautiful Gate to ask alms of those entering the temple. Seeing Peter and John about to go into the temple, he asked to receive alms. And Peter directed his gaze at him, as did John, and said, “Look at us.” And he fixed his attention on them, expecting to receive something from them. But Peter said, “I have no silver and gold, but what I do have I give to you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk!” And he took him by the right hand and raised him up, and immediately his feet and ankles were made strong. And leaping up he stood and began to walk, and entered the temple with them, walking and leaping and praising God. And all the people saw him walking and praising God, and recognized him as the one who sat at the Beautiful Gate of the temple, asking for alms. And they were filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to him.
Acts 3: 1-10

I’ve been comparing myself a lot, feeling sad and scared that I won’t amount to anything and my norm will be not enough, small and mediocre. And as much as I know all the pithy sayings about comparison, it’s hard to squelch it and suddenly feel contentment. I want a lot in life and I don’t apologize for it. I feel a lot and I don’t want that to stop. I have big hopes and dreams that feel indulgent to verbally express to other people. And where I am today feels not enough. I hate this sinking, dissatisfied, gray lodged in my throat. How do I get back to the joy? How do I get back to the child?

This lame begger leapt in joy. He praised without bounds. He celebrated. Why? How? How do I get some of that?

He had settled for alms to get him through each day, physically alive. He made the best of his situation. He didn’t care who saw his state. Even if he thought Peter was nuts, he still played along because buried deep in his despair and settling was a glimmer of wild hope. That spark of flickering hope sustained him to now and gave him the courage to raise his hand to be held. And it’s in that moment when he stands and feels the strength in his ankles that he saw that dim hope explode. No matter how dim, how small, how undetectable most days, it is that hope we must come back to.

Hope that despair and disconnection don’t last. Hope that healing is possible. Hope that someone sees you. Hope that your calling is purposeful. Hope that the next minute might be better. Hope that it will all one day make sense.

Prayer: God I pray that hope of you will manifest in my thoughts, actions and words.

Character: Where is comparison wrecking your vision of hope and joy?

Grace: What miracles have you witnessed this past week?

CBG: Agenda

May 1, 2020 — Leave a comment

The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst they said to him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the Law of Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?” This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus, said, “Neither do I condemn you; go and from now on sin no more.”
John 8:3-11

How often do we use people as examples for our own agendas? We miss the humanity right before our eyes and aim only to protect our own culture. How often do we get tunnel vision because of our own agendas? We ask the wrong questions and are shocked by answers that reveal our own pain. How often do we think in terms of old narratives to justify our own agendas? We miss the new life right before our eyes. I hope every accusation we have against another is a truer opportunity to self-reflect and shift. I hope our grip on old ways of living that gave our lives a sense of certainty and structure would give way to a more faithful, unpredictable journey of undoing and relearning.

I hope we know that unlike humans who are wrapped up in self-agenda, God does not condemn us. He doesn’t condone the harmful ways we live and act, and he beckons us to change in privacy. He doesn’t expose us as a display for other humans to learn. God exposes us so we can experience an intimacy and a connection. Even as God tells us to sin no more, he knows that’s impossible on this side of heaven. What he is encouraging us is to do is make a choice to turn from our former ways that amount to deeper pain and loneliness, and instead to turn to a new way of wholeness and faith. It won’t be perfect, but simply because it’s a continual act does not mean we don’t keep trying.

Prayer: To stop justifying, figuring things out, testing God. To see what’s presented before us and receive.

Character: What actions, thoughts and stories create more harm, self-reliance and disconnection in your life? What is the cost of shifting?

Grace: Where in you life have you felt the grace of God over and over again?

CBG: Judgment

April 30, 2020 — Leave a comment

I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people — not at all meaning the sexually immoral of this world, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters, since then you would need to go out of the world. But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler — not even eat with such a one. For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? God judges those outside. “Purge the evil person from among you.”
1 Corinthians 5:9-13

My blood boils. The intolerance. The judgment. The contradictions in this compared to Paul’s previous statement about not judging. I keep reading the verses to understand. I read it again, through the “lenses of a good compassionate God.” I read the whole passage — okay, this was in the context of Paul addressing a man sleeping with his stepmom. Okay, okay? This passage still pisses me off. What about that plank in your own eye, Paul?! Church people?!

Can I toss this passage away? Why was it included? Because a set of old white men decided what should be the canon?! Why was this included? What does it reveal about Paul? About us? About God?

Look out: Paul was on the far, far other side before Jesus. He was a proud, angry, over-educated man of society. I wonder if he still carries those traits into his new self. I wonder if his “passion” and once-again certainty makes him say things without thinking about the emotional impact of others. I wonder if he’s so desperate for people to know a transformative Jesus that he himself is impatient when he doesn’t see how others aren’t already on the same page as him. Paul is flawed. Paul is imperfect. Paul can be wrong.

Look in: …name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler — Christian, you are that brother. How quick we are to point to that person whether it’s in pity or in disgust. How quick we are to judge and dissociate. Are we cutting others out to protect our image and flow? Or is knowledge of another’s behavior information for us to tailor our acts of grace and patience for them? Is knowledge of another’s behavior fuel for us to take personal responsibility to be less greedy, less manipulative, more careful with our words and more focused on God’s call on us?

Look up, in & out: God can handle our questions and our doubts. God doesn’t fit in human wisdom. God’s grace and compassion are boundless. God warns to draw in. God love to change. God shifts our behavior, our thoughts, our whole beings.

Prayer: God help us move from anger to action. God remove the parts of us that want to be tribal. God help us work through uncomfortable relationships.

Character: Who have you been judging? What does your judgment reveal about you?

Grace: Where do you feel not enough for God and for others? How are those exact places your unique power for the community?

CBG: Wisdom

April 29, 2020 — Leave a comment

Yet among the mature we do impart wisdom, although it is not a wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are doomed to pass away. But we impart a secret and hidden wisdom of God, which God decreed before the ages for our glory. None of the rulers of this age understood this, for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory. But, as it is written,

“What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him” —

these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of god. For who knows a person’s thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. Now we have received not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might understand the things freely given us by God. And we impart this in words not taught by human wisdom but taught by the Spirit, interpreting spiritual truths to those who are spiritual. The natural person does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are folly to him, and he is not able to understand them because they are spiritually discerned. The spiritual person judges all things, but is himself to be judged by no one. “For who has understood the mind of the Lord also as to instruct him?” But we have the mind of Christ.
1 Corinthians 2:6-16

One annoying thing I experience in Christian culture is the language we use. There is nothing more irritating to my ears than Christian-ese, the terms and the tone we employ to explain the spiritual plane. I fight hard against this by concrete examples. I may be tempted to say God is my provider, has never forsaken me and instead will say well for the last…forever of my life, I have always had food and shelter. Or instead of the hope of Christ keeps me going, I’ll say, I know evil and death are not the end of the story; I don’t believe that and I know that in my core. Even that smells slightly Christian-ese. (Cringe.) I can’t speak for others, as much I want to generalize my own experiences to the general J.C. community, that sometimes I drop Christian-ese because it’s a means of protection. It’s a bubble around what’s tender and precious work in my insides, yet nonetheless a bubble others can nod and say AMEN to. And in those moments, when I am approached with a gentle, patient and safe curiosity, the bubble can pop.

However, however, there are times when our explanations full of hearty evidence fall short. It’s this feeling you can’t fully put into words. It’s this depth of peace that feels fraught to box up for another. It’s this immovable knowing that feels precious reserved for me and God. The wisdom and the strength of God are often unexplainable in humans terms. It’s a relationship that is so core and so unfathomable that we can merely attempt to describe in part by our inability to describe it fully. It’s that wave of the sacrificial love on Good Friday, the utter pain of Holy Saturday and the speechless victory of Easter Sunday. It’s those moments when I feel the most faith and certainty about God. It’s also in those moments when I wish more than anything that those around me can feel it too. How much I long for everyone to know and experience the love of Christ. May we all “understand” and “experience”, without boundaries that plane of holy existence. This is the power of faith that the Spirit of God is indeed at work. Oh no…Christian-ese…

Prayer: Ask God for the wisdom, hope and love you cannot fully explain.

Character: What do each of our fears need to experience peace?

Grace: Where have you seen provision that is beyond what you thought was possible?

CBG: Humility

April 28, 2020 — Leave a comment

So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interest of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not county equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.
Philippians 2:1-8

On those fuck the world days, this passage is irritating and feels overindulgent, a passage meant only for those with no worries and so much #SoBlessed. On days when I’m not incessantly fending off lies about my worth and instead feel a softness in my heart to receive wisdom from above, this passage carries an impossible task written for a fairy-tale world, and I live in a real, real-messy land.

What is it about humility that offends our nature? Why is it so preached yet rarely ever experienced? Yet the greatest leaders among us are usually marked with this coveted trait.

It’s a long-enduring work-in-progress character journey that involves ever-evolving antagonists and obstacles. Humility wins don’t come with fanfare and victory marches. It’s a surrender of power. It’s a choosing of an inner power over an outward display. Humility is often misjudged by those who are wrapped up in their own egos, (which is most of us). Others’ projections can make us feel that humility is insignificant, even laughable. Humility is always uncomfortable and vulnerable. It makes another feel space and power, and that can be risky for our space and power. If humility comes with such grueling work, why pursue it?

It pulls you more into a centeredness that makes you firm in all circumstances. It grows your empathy to see all as part of the same humanity. It focuses you on your calling, your purposes. It gives you greater access to forgiveness and awareness of judgement. Its presence, even if you are not aware of it, and usually you shouldn’t be, transforms those around you. It is the ultimate display of immovable power and identity.

Prayer: Only by your grace and Spirit can I even inch into this kind of character and living. Help me to surrender where I sense helplessness. Help me to encourage where my words can soothe. Help me to step back where I do not belong. Help me God.

Creative: Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interest of others. — Make a list of both and compare.

Brave: emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant — Where can you surrender status?

Generous: complete my joy by being of the same mind — Who needs you to remind them they are not alone?

CBG: Exposed

April 27, 2020 — Leave a comment

Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loinclothes. And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man and said to him, “Where are you?” And he said, “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.” He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” The man said, “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.” Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this that you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”
Genesis 3:7-13

Do you remember those days when you ran and danced around not thinking about how others viewed or judged you? You skipped in innocence and a lack of self-consciousness. You didn’t think about hiding because you didn’t even know you were exposed. You didn’t think you were in danger because you had no issue with being you, full and present.

That was what we lost in the garden. That is what we lost when we shifted from being a child feeling completely enough to the planting of the lie that we are not fully worthy. This is what we experience every time we feel judged, we close up, we protect. Often there is a real fear and we need to survive. Not everyone should have access to our most precious parts.

When we choose to hide and protect, is it out of fear or is it out of wisdom? When we close up, are we afraid that someone will see the deepest parts of us because we think they don’t deserve it, they might hurt us or it’s our only form of “power?” Is your protection and hiding actually more work than showing up fully even if it risks vulnerability?

How can we be fully exposed before God? Dear child, God wants it. He wants it! That is the only thing he wants: your full self, uncovered and in acceptance. God is compassionate. God is patient. God is gentle and kind and will draw nearer and nearer. May we not run. May we not blame. May we not continue these cycles of escape and shame. May God remind us that we were made to be exposed fully. Cultivating this relationship and space, is the ultimate education and practice to do it in the presence of others. If God can endure all of us, what can a mere human being do? It’s usually their own projections and insecurities anyway.

Prayer: God where am I hiding and locking in? God where do I need room? Fear and shame have no power in your presence.

Creative: Look at yourself in the mirror for a few minutes. Really look. Who do you see?

Brave: To whom in your life are you hiding from? Why? What would it look like to feel safe in that person’s presence? How can you build that?

Generous: Support a small business or freelancer for Mother’s Day!

CBG: Pruning

April 26, 2020 — 1 Comment

I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine, you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.
John 15:1-11

When you bear fruit, you will be pruned. Abiding in God, abiding in love, abiding in a value system are not easy. Underlying this season of surrender and pause is a gardening ecosystem. Turning the soil so parts that have been hidden are in the light. Removing parasites and dead materials that harm or do not belong. Planting new seeds with anticipation of their blooming. As a non-gardener, I experience impatience in this process. Impatience and all, we are several weeks in, so there is evidence of a before and after. Go and look at your garden.

What have you surrendered that you do not miss?
What have you lost that remains unfilled?
What aches and longings in your heart that once buried are revealed?
Where do you want more patience?
What new discoveries about yourself, others and God have you made whether today, this week or this season?

Are you there God?

It's me, Nancy.