Day 44: Living on the edge of glory

January 29, 2019 — Leave a comment

Numbers 14-16; Psalm 44

Sometimes we are so stripped down from all our comforts and thrown into the wilderness simply called to trust, that it brings out the nastiest of things. With no material and physical thing to hide behind, we are exposed and see the ugliness in our hearts. It can bring up fights, distrust, relational dissonance, melodrama and so forth. It is super uncomfortable to be exposed. It is harrowing to hold onto nothing but God and a supposed future hope. It feels naked. It feels at times not right. Shouldn’t faith and being with God kook peaceful and easy? Didn’t he promise to bless us? Didn’t he promise to be with us?

My prayer for me and for you is that God’s adventure for us makes us bold and courageous warriors. That we own up to our fears and doubts and sorrow. That we beg and beg for continual faith and provision. That we never lose hope that tomorrow can and will be better. I pray that our radiant faith shines here and makes those around us wonder how it is possible for us with so little and so little security, joyful and vulnerable. I pray that we are in states that demand faithful living, like the kind where you’re always on the brink of breaking and any breath of fresh air feels a million bucks. Now that’s living on the edge.

In our fear and anger, may we not take it out on others. I always do. Forgive me. Help me.

Day 43: Romanticizing the past

January 28, 2019 — Leave a comment

Numbers 11-13; Psalm 43

On lonely nights I remember my ex fondly. I remember how we were innocent kids who shared dreams and drinks. I remember how he told me I was beautiful and that he would marry me one day. And I miss him and I start to think that maybe it could really still work out for him. Of course I forget all my crying, all our fights, all the awful things that can’t be unsaid. Of course I forget the aching pain of leaving someone who you know doesn’t care for you the same way. The pains become foggy and I romanticize the past. Don’t we all do that when we’re unhappy with our current state but don’t have a viable future ahead? Don’t we romanticize the past when we feel stuck right now and not sure if things are really going to turn out better in the future? And I plead with you, that when you start to play those fairytales and whine about going back to places you’ve been freed from, take a moment and breathe. I know you’re sad and afraid and lonely and doubting. I know it’s scary and the future is uncertain. Sometimes it feels better to settle for some hurt than be where we are right now, alone. Sometimes I’d rather have a beautiful 6 hour night and deal with the 6 heartbreaking days of withdrawal after. But I plead with you in those moments to cry, to ask for help, to be honest, instead of going back. I always go back and I always feel pain. God help me! God help me to trust when I’m afraid. God help me be vulnerable with my longings. God help me to be real and honest. God thank you for freeing me. Help me to see that this freedom is better than previous shackles.

Day 42: Get low

January 27, 2019 — Leave a comment

Numbers 8-10; Psalm 42

Deeps calls to deep. Don’t be afraid of the deep moments that bring us into spaces of unknown and darkness. Whether life does it or you do it to yourself, there can be good in that hole. It really is at our most downcast, confused and heartbreaking times that we can draw out our deepest desires and hopes. When we are downcast, we are to allow for it. Allow for the questions. Allows for the sadness and sorrow and tears. We are called to remember what God has done for us, even if it feels more like past stories than present realities. We are called to ask ourselves what is wrong? We are called to ask God to take us out? We are allowed these moments of melodrama because it’s for the sake of hope we mourn. We mourn because we know hope is the better and realer reality. We mourn the current when we trust that the future holds a confident good. Mourn away and be on the ground, but look up at the hope that draws you another day.

And one last thought, the Levite’s, the priests, were given to the people as a gift. Are our modern day priests gifts to the people or are they more like burdens? Are people blessed by the presence of those who deem to know God?

Day 41: Fuck order and embrace outsiders

January 26, 2019 — Leave a comment

Numbers 5-7; Psalm 41

Honestly I’m in Bible reading fatigue. How many more passages do I need to read insisting on our uncleanliness and God’s holiness? How many more passages are there about women being less than men? No wonder this is such a hard concept for so many to undo. It’s been preached at them again and again, that even if they don’t overly treat women as less than, they do. Women take the blame. Women are guilty. They are considered under the authority of their husband? Why? These verses out of context create abusive and unfair relationships. What is the purpose of this? And for the last time, please do not justify injustice with a call on order. Who created this order? Who does it protect? Is it enough that the only justification for something are a few verses in a book that was written a few thousand years ago? Your heart, your community and your world tell you one thing, but you insist on another because of a verse in the Bible.

There are still countries that consider being gay a crime. That is implorable. Christians add to that hate. Christians use the Bible to justify their order and oppression. Is God not bigger than our desires and sexuality? Does he not have room for fluidity? Has Jesus not set us free to love beyond borders? Doesn’t Jesus remind us to be with the most vulnerable, love the most vulnerable, be the most vulnerable. Society, this wicked society, might seem you an outsider. Outsiders were often the righteous ones in Jesus’ eyes. Outsiders that had little material worth, but had complete identity worth and stories.

Day 40: Boring Bible

January 25, 2019 — Leave a comment

Numbers 1-4; Psalm 40

Counting men. Order. Organizing. As the Israelites are about to embark on their journey into the wilderness, it first begins with a very detailed structure. Honestly I haven’t gained that much umph from these four chapters. It’s kinda boring. I don’t really care. I wonder if there have been passionate sermons on the first four chapters of Numbers.

In this Psalm, it acknowledges that God does not want burnt offerings. What God delights in is us following him and being an example everywhere we go so others are drawn in. We Are the living sacrifices. We are an offering. We are God’s. May our lips speak of God’s goodness. May our actions showcase those who are grateful and redeemed. May humility be what goes before everything we do.

Day 39: C’est le vie Leviticus

January 24, 2019 — Leave a comment

Leviticus 26-27; Psalm 39

The valuation of humans in this section is implorable. The sacrifices in this book are weird AF. Relative to the other sacrifices happening around, the context the Israelites are in in this world of sacrifices to the Gods, this May seem radical. But if something is ugly but it’s not as ugly as the thing next to it, does it make it less ugly? Yes I understand the heart of this is about how pure and holy God is and how wicked and childish we are, but really…? Goodness the valuation of humans — men more than women, adults better than youth, the power of the priests to determine how much a person is worth. Bible scholars tell me how this is good? Don’t tell me, in other cultures women were valued at 0 so now that they’re 30 shekels, it’s pretty cool! Wtf.

Tell me this is all a set up to prove how amazing Jesus is. In Jesus women and children and sojourners are valued just the same, if maybe even more… they’re not valued more because they’re worth more, but in a patriarchal, misogynistic, ageist society, valuing something more just gives them a fair chance. You don’t need to value what’s already in the power seat. They are the status quo. We have to value the vulnerable to give them the room and space. Tell me Leviticus exists to point to the simplicity, justice and power of Jesus. Tell me this weird as F chapter points to how radical Jesus is. But is Jesus radical only in relativism? Or is he truly radical objectively?

Day 38: Strangers & Sojourners

January 23, 2019 — 1 Comment

Leviticus 24-25; Psalm 38

If we lose sight of the heart of God for his people in reading his commandments, we will be offended and disgusted by God. God goes on and on and on about what? Justice. Redemption. Generosity. The interdependence of humanity. If we hold to our dependence on each other, and love each other as we love ourselves (when we have self-love) would it not cover all these relational commandments? If we love, would we not cheat our brother? If we love, would we not cheat on our sister? If we love, would we not ask and give forgiveness? If we love would we not split our piece of toast so that everyone can have a bite? If we love ourselves, would we not harm it? If we love ourselves, would we grow awareness of how our bodies speak to us? If we love, would we not essentially live the commandments of God? God’s commandments seem nit picky and at times weird. When people say love has no borders, it means that we love each person as if we really see their divine created-ness. But love has boundaries. We don’t condone adultery or injustice or greed or bitterness or harm. If we don’t have these boundaries, how do we know what sacrificial love look like? Love has no borders but is rooted by boundaries.

I love that God reminds us that we are strangers and sojourners with God. This means that no matter where we go, we are known and loved and found. No matter where we go, we are home when we are with God. A sojourner with God — a brave faithful adventurer that has eyes on the horizon! A stranger with God — a curious, open member of society ready to connect not for worth but because of divine worth.

Day 37: Righteous beggars

January 22, 2019 — 1 Comment

Leviticus 21-23; Psalm 37

Sometimes I really hate reading verses like the righteous have no lack, they never have to beg, the wicked will die, and so forth because when I look out at this earth, that’s just not true. The racism, sexism, poverty, mass incarceration, homeless and so forth in this country DO LACK. Many who are “righteous” are begging on the street. So what is this Psalm trying to tell us? I am not going to doubt someone’s righteousness by their current earthly state. We do that sometimes don’t we? We see someone suffering or in need and we might think they must be off with God. We see someone not getting the abundances of this world and think they must be in sin. We can take verses like these and do the flip side — judge the inside by what you see on the outside. Let me tell you: this outside world is wicked and there are some sick rules and systems we live in. Those who are righteous do not always get vindicated in this life and that sucks. Those who are righteous do suffer on earth. So what is it that they do not lack? So what is it that they do not need to beg for? Grace? Integrity? Their conscience? Their worth? The righteous know their worth even if those around them don’t acknowledge it. Hold on. Keep on. Persevere. Endure! You are worthy!

Day 36: Stop tattooing your bodies Christians

January 21, 2019 — Leave a comment

Leviticus 19-20; Psalm 36

The Bible says to not tattoo our body. How many Christians ignore that and tat it up? Oh but the part about a male lying with another male as an abomination, we go up in arms against the LBGTQ community. Hm. I also don’t want to fall into the track of picking and choosing what to believe? What do I do with this? How can I read all of and hear the heart of the message? Context.

So God is speaking specifically to the Israelites in the wilderness. They’re a traveling nation of way too many people and need some guidance to get to the promise land. God’s laws are to remind them that they are to be a nation set apart to show the compassion and rescue of God. How does tattooing their body affect that? What is it really trying to protect the people of? How does the talk around various sexual relations help these people get to the promise land? I honestly don’t know. But if we had thrown out the tattoo part, can we not throw out the man lying with man part? Is it really talking about gay sex?

If Jesus came to be make us holy and to set us apart, can we throw away all these very specific commandments from the OT? But I also don’t want to believe that I serve a God who had these prejudices and biases. FML.

All I know is I am to love people like they are already enough and created in the image of God because God has deemed me enough and I believe that by the blood of Jesus. My love cannot be discriminatory and hateful. That doesn’t fit. My love needs to be wide and deep and embraces especially those society have pushed aside. God help.

Day 35: Kick me when I’m down

January 20, 2019 — Leave a comment

Leviticus 16-18; Psalm 35

After Aaron LOST his sons, God asks him to APOLOGIZE AND ATONE. Let’s be real. At first blush, I’m thinking God is being a real asshole. Who’s with me? This guy just LOST his sons and you want to kick him while he’s down? Have you ever felt that? When you’re down and upset and not sure what the hell went wrong and how you got here.. and then in that moment you’re told You’re wrong and it’s your fault? But… are there times when our sorrow is our fault? Our sorrow is because of our own misbehavior and our own impulsiveness? Does it mean our sorrow doesn’t count? HELL NO! You are sad and you go cry and eat ice cream and have a drink. Be sad. It’s the not being sad that makes you bitter and wallow. But… you might also have been at fault. Maybe your past and your experiences pushed you to be mean or rude or awful? It doesn’t excuse what you did, but it puts it in context. We all exist in context. People act out of emotions that are entrenched from experiences. Those experiences create a deep belief system. So sometimes we may be at fault for a wrongdoing; it doesn’t take away from our worth. Maybe it’s our ego that stops us from owning up. Maybe it’s our ego that stops us from really understanding where we come from, what has made us who we are, what has closed us off and pushed us away from others. Not speaking from experience…

I am one with high walls and I shut down on a dime. And it has hurt many people who love me. I can be cold and short because I’m hurt, but even if I’m hurt, I’m not supposed to hurt those around me. My past experiences of being neglected and emotionally shut down don’t excuse my wrongdoing but it means if I want to address my wrongdoing, I need to re-narrate how I’ve interpreted my experience. It’s a work in progress that requires continual forgiveness, humility and grace.