challenge

Day 44: Living on the edge of glory

January 29, 2019 — Leave a comment

Numbers 14-16; Psalm 44

Sometimes we are so stripped down from all our comforts and thrown into the wilderness simply called to trust, that it brings out the nastiest of things. With no material and physical thing to hide behind, we are exposed and see the ugliness in our hearts. It can bring up fights, distrust, relational dissonance, melodrama and so forth. It is super uncomfortable to be exposed. It is harrowing to hold onto nothing but God and a supposed future hope. It feels naked. It feels at times not right. Shouldn’t faith and being with God kook peaceful and easy? Didn’t he promise to bless us? Didn’t he promise to be with us?

My prayer for me and for you is that God’s adventure for us makes us bold and courageous warriors. That we own up to our fears and doubts and sorrow. That we beg and beg for continual faith and provision. That we never lose hope that tomorrow can and will be better. I pray that our radiant faith shines here and makes those around us wonder how it is possible for us with so little and so little security, joyful and vulnerable. I pray that we are in states that demand faithful living, like the kind where you’re always on the brink of breaking and any breath of fresh air feels a million bucks. Now that’s living on the edge.

In our fear and anger, may we not take it out on others. I always do. Forgive me. Help me.

Day 29: Brought out to be set apart

January 14, 2019 — Leave a comment

Exodus 35-40; Psalm 29

The people are to give according to how their heart is stirred. How do we measure that stirring? How do we straddle sacrifice and generosity? How much do we give to exhibit our commitment?

God’s laws set us apart. We are to be known by God’s law. God’s law should make us attractive in order to fulfill the covenant of multiplying our numbers. God’s law isn’t only to shape us in the present, but to remind us of what’s to come. I like this concept of his law. It’s the training, the discipline, the way to move that transform us. When you follow something long enough, it becomes second nature. I don’t have to walk around a store and constantly remind myself not to steal. If you are living and breathing love and compassion, you shouldn’t need to pray about giving our compassion and love. It should be second-nature. Your heart should naturally stir for you to give.

Goodbye Exodus. It’s been real and bits boring. It’s been upsetting and scary watching God be that angry and sad. It’s been patient to journey with the Israelites in the wilderness. Exodus,you are tiredsome and specific, but it all points to a long suffering grace that is God.

Day 28: Unconscious coloring

January 13, 2019 — Leave a comment

Exodus 32-34; Psalm 28

I just listened to an interview between a NY times reporter and an Arizona sheriff who works in a border town. The sheriff is a nice, informed, Christian man who sees dead people in the woods, families trying to seek asylum and more daily. He is in support of Trump. He was dissenting how he heard Trump’s address, and he zoned in on what he thought mattered and everything else, while not 135% aligned, supported his argument. He didn’t seem bigoted. He really cared and he painted the immigration policies in our country with greater clarity and in need of reform. But we listened to the same address, and my ears are colored, as much as I want to think I’m not prejudiced and educated, and the moment I hear that prez’ voice my body cringes.

How colored are we when we read the Bible? Have we been desensitized to not see the ick of God and people in the OT? Do the killings not alarm us anymore? Or are they just stories we can skim, but then for other parts, we hold really tightly?

When we talk about this passage in Exodus (golden calf passages), do we forget that God wanted to kill all these people who created a calf? Did we forget that he did send the Levi’s into town to kill over 3000 men? Oh, but then we focus on God saying he’s a slow to anger and compassionate God. What the hell is going on here? Is this the God I worship? This God who loses it when he loses control over his people and needed Moses to calm him down. Is this the God that allowed Moses to kill the men? Goddamnit. Reading the Bible makes me question my faith more and more; if that doesn’t happen to you, you’re not reading carefully.

Lord help me not lose sight of who you are.

Day 26: What it takes to be with the Holy

January 11, 2019 — Leave a comment

Exodus 28-29; Psalm 26

From clothes to how to use every part of the animal sacrifice, God knows. It’s as if God is trying to put language to the complexity of his holiness. This is what it took to be in the presence of pure goodness. This is what it required. But God trusts that we could follow these steps and wants us near. Doing all this is a daily reminder for Aaron and the priests that there is a distance between humans and God. Our relationship has been severed and it can feel like work to get near to God again. Imagine from the kindest most loving parent, I want you near, but do remember how much you’ve hurt me, for your sake so you remember the depths I went, but I want you. But without that parental guilt. You know what I’m talking about.

In comes Jesus who bridges this, who reminds us daily, minute to minute, that God has gone to the depths for us and when we remember that we are one with God again. When we trust that God wants our good, has our good, has proven he wants that, we are aligned with God. We trust his kingdom. We trust his commandments, because they don’t tell us what to do, but more illuminate what we know is good. God’s heart of good is our heart. If we can trust that God is for us, we can give it all up.

I’m not into selfish rich privileged Christians toting the prosperity gospel exclaiming God is for us! God is for us means you are willing to sacrifice everything material, emotional, mental, spiritual, relational that has filled the places of I’m good enough. I’m enough. God is for us means we are already fully loved.

Day 24: Wild wild country

January 9, 2019 — Leave a comment

Exodus 22-24; Psalm 24

The Israelites were in Egypt under oppression with rules created by the Pharaoh. Here they are in the wilderness and God sends them commandments and a way of living. Being in the wilderness without boundaries and direction would not have been freedom. God needed to be so specific on relational and moral issues as if the Israelites didn’t know these things. His specificities with animals and money and people reveal an intimate God who knows what our daily dealings are like. God cares about those day to day things because those all connect to the 10 commandments which in turn connect to loving God and trusting God.

But I can’t imagine life in the wilderness like this. Was this better than being in Egypt? Free but not sure what the next day would look like? Is freedom and faith better than living in a society where I know what each moment will look like? If yes, then why do we often live in the latter? We choose pain over the potential of fulfillment/disappointment. We choose settling over the potential of loss/gain. We choose knowing over possibility. Is it the control? Is it fear? I’m trying to figure this out so I choose the scary hope over the unhappy secure!

Day 21: How to read without discarding God

January 6, 2019 — Leave a comment

Exodus 13-15; Psalm 21

I don’t like this God of war. I’m not sure how to receive all that he does here. Unless, one I discard this story, which Bible people say you can’t. You can’t just pick and choose stories in the Bible because in essence you are creating the God that fits YOU. And how much can we really trust ourselves? There should be a level of discomfort when we make ourselves better, more in line with wholeness, goodness, compassion, kindness, all the above that God is from the beginning. So this God of war and God who hardens the Egyptians are really messing with me. I either have to take this story or throw away the God. Can I interpret this story in light of God’s character? A God of war that fits into a God of compassion… Can this tale be a metaphor? Does it remind us how prisons and past lifestyles grip us and don’t want to let us go? Does it tell us to keep signs of how God has freed us? What have we been freed from? What’s a sign of that, that we can bring up time and time again so we don’t lose sight of that redemptive God? Does it also show us how quickly we forget all that God has done for us? How quickly we see the power of God and go back to complaining about the little things and doubting?

Seeing this more as a metaphor of God’s power and love instead of taking it so literally help me make sense of it. It still doesn’t sit 100% well with me. Is that because the wars and revenge of my current world really suck? I’m part of the oppressive nation. In my current world, we are the Egyptians.

Day 5: The Bible annoys me

December 21, 2018 — Leave a comment

Genesis 16-18, Psalm 5

Can we apply Abraham’s pleading with God to spare Sodom to Jesus’ pleading with God to spare us? He is the righteous one so can that mean we are all spared from destruction?

Reading Psalms and the constant righteous vs evil feels very us versus them. Well I guess that also assumes we are the righteous and “they” are evil. Who is the righteous? Who actually follows the law of God? What is the law of God — to love God and to love others? Who’s God?

The more I read the Scriptures the more annoyed I am by the people God has chosen to be used, the more questions I have and the more I need to keep reminding myself God is good and we suck and yet he uses us.

And I also see the pitfalls of reading Scripture out of context. Every passage is a bit of God’s big story of redemption and love. Every ick points to God’s big grace. If I didn’t have Jesus, which is the biggest example of God’s love, I would be longing and irritated forever.

Day 3: The backdrop of God’s actions

December 19, 2018 — Leave a comment

Genesis 8-11, Psalm 3

When God kicks us out of Eden, curses Cain, destroys the whole world except for Noah and disperses us at Babel, how do we see him? Do we see him as a nervous wreck afraid we would usurp his power? Is he a jealous man shocked his creation can get to his level? Do we see him as an angry aggressive destroyer? On the surface, yes. According to my standard of good and evil, God doesn’t seem too great– maybe even evil. Like he’s out of touch and acting out of fear.

It’s not a simple, “tell yourself that’s not true; God’s good,” that will change my view of God. How I see God’s core character color his actions? Did he act out of fear or did he act out of love? Honestly at this point I don’t know. Unless I take into account Jesus, which is also part of this story. If I take into account Jesus, I know God is good and compassionate and unrelentless about getting us back to him. Can I trust that the God of the OT and the God of the NT are the same? If yes, how can I see all this actions from the beginning as ways of compassion, mercy, an enduring covenant love to remind us, he wants us back.

God help me to know you act out of love and compassion even though my heart wants to blame you for all the bad in this world, and in me.

a goal before the new year

December 16, 2018 — Leave a comment

…because why wait for a calendar to start a new goal. I’m tired of waiting and I’m tired of asking for permission. I’m over trying to get it right and having the perfect vision/tag line/proposal before I do something. These are the things I know and that’s why I am choosing to do this new 365 challenge. I’m going to read God’s word every day and write a little something about it. I did this this past August and it was the hardest and most spectacular. It forced me to meditate on God’s word and how it really affects me and those I love and those I want to love better. I didn’t grow up in the church. I didn’t go to Bible college. I don’t know where I stand theologically on every single damn topic, and if there’s a person out there who “has the answer to everything,” you’re wrong; you’re not God. God allows for mystery and questioning, for expansion and discovery, for curiosity and for change. This year has been a rollercoaster in my faith. Some days I love Jesus and want to tell everyone about him and I really do think that saving myself for marriage is like the DUH thing to do because Jesus makes it worth it. Other days I want to say fuck Jesus because God is in everything and that is so damn unfair that gross selfish comfortable racist homophobic bigoted people “will go to heaven” and others don’t. It’s stupid. Most days I’m trying to love God and trying to love others, and I’m failing at both. Most days I’m failing, yet I know I’m loved and those days bring me back to the ground. I recognize that when I’m focusing on my circumstances and instead of my steady unchangeable worth, I become an awful presence to be around. I’m my most steady unchangeable worth when I’m in conversation with God. He/she reminds me evil does not have the last word and that love and hope prevail. If I doubt that, I can look at the cross. So for my sake and for those around me, I want to be a presence that empowers those around me with love, hope and redemption. God please speak to me in a way that makes me listen and know? Thanks non-binary beyond-my-comprehension God.