confidence

Lent 2022: Under the Banner of Annoyance

March 6, 2022 — 1 Comment

I came home after a 16 mile run and I’m running behind to go to church service. The last thing I want to find is an occupied bathroom, and worst a roommate who takes his sweet time in it. I’m seething in my spirit, aching in my body, and positive he’s taking longer because he knows I need the restroom.

^^What do I gain by thinking that his bathroom usage was a personal affront to me? What do I gain by thinking that folks are not mindful? What do I gain by thinking the world is out to get me?

It gives me permission to be PISSED. It gives me permission to not be as kind as I should be. It gives me permission to armor up and fight the next person who looks at me wrong.

I am highly sensitive and I get irritated so easily. Because under my quickness to get annoyed is my grip on control — things need to be according to MY timeline, people need to act according to how I THINK, in my brain.

I wish I could say, now that I know, now that I’ve verbalized my flaw, I am ready to let go and surrender. Quite the opposite, now that I know, I feel myself doubling down on my need to control and my fear of surrender. I’m afraid that when I let go, I won’t be able to put the lid back on. I’m afraid that if I surrender my agenda, and the story that the world is against me, I’ll need to show up even more. When you show up more, you risk getting hurt more… but you also risk more joy and discovery.

I think I loved the pandemic emotions because I was allowed to be sad and scared without having to explain myself. I mean, look outside. But now that the pandemic is falling to the background and the world is opening up again, I see myself putting on the mask of happy and gratitude, when I’m just desperate to be sad and be disappointed. I believe you can be sad and disappointed without self-pity, and I want to be that, without having to explain myself, without having to first give a disclaimer of joy.

I love my sadness and fear because I’m sensitive and vulnerable and easily affected by the feels of the world. Now I want to be comfortable to exist in that without the gearing up to fend off people that want to fix me or make me feel better. I want to be confident enough in myself that how you see me isn’t as important as me living honestly.

Lent Day 13: I give up Unhelpful Comparison

March 1, 2021 — Leave a comment

Then YOUR light will break forth like the dawn, and YOUR healing will quickly appear; then YOUR righteousness will go before YOU, and the glory of the Lord will be YOUR read guard. Then YOU will call, and the Lord will answer; YOU will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

Isaiah 58:8-9

I give up comparing my path with the path of those who inspire me, in such a way that makes me despair. I give up comparing my path with the path of those who irk me, in such a way that makes me arrogant. I give up comparing my insecurities with their confidence, in such a way that makes me only think, my path is hard. I give up comparing my confidence with their insecurities, in such a way that expects people to change on my timeline. I give up the noise that tries to steal my joy and tries to make my victories seem insignificant. My path is significant, complicated and glorious, and I see that most clearly when I focus on the hope that has carried me to this present moment.

CBG: #24

April 13, 2020 — 1 Comment

Now when they saw the boldness of Peter and John, and perceived that they were uneducated, common men, they were astonished. And they recognized that they had been with Jesus. But seeing the man who was healed standing beside them, they had nothing to say in opposition. But when they had commanded them to leave the council, they conferred with one another, saying, “What shall we do with these men? For that a notable sign has been performed through them is evident to all the inhabitants of Jerusalem, and we cannot deny it. But in order that it may spread no further among the people, let us warn them to speak no more to anyone in this name. So they called them and charged them not to speak or teach at all in the name of Jesus. But Peter and John answered them, “Whether it is right in the sight of God to listen to you rather than to God, you must judge, for we cannot but speak of what we have seen and heard.”

Acts 4:13-20

A well-received response is not evidence of an effective act. Peter and John have done something clearly undeniably marvelous. In response, they are told to stop and do it no more. They are threatened and intimidated by those uploading the system. In light of Peter and John’s miracle, the priests and the elders focus on Peter and John’s ordinariness and meager resume. Peter and John offended those in charge without those in charge able to find a wrongdoing.

How do we offend without wronging? How do we act in a way that is undeniably good while making the system uncomfortable? Where can God do the most work? Where do you find yourself saying: I’m not trained enough. I don’t have enough experience. Everyone already knows how to do that — those areas are exactly where God wants to show miracles. Because it’s your confidence and faith within your inexperience that makes the world pause and think it might be a work of God, not a human striving. It will be your lack that forces you to say like Carrie Underwood sings, Jesus take the wheel.

Prayer: Lord where have my fears of comparison and commonality made me shrink back.

Creative: Write 8 things you wish you were better at. And at the end of each, write, I’m good enough.

Brave: Of the 8 things, showcase one of them.

Generous: Call a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while.

Day 51: Restore to me

February 5, 2019 — Leave a comment

Numbers 33-34; Psalm 51

Restore to me the joy of your salvation.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation. Restore to me the joy of your salvation. Restore to me the joy of your salvation. Restore to me the joy of your salvation. Restore to me the joy of your salvation. Restore to me the joy of your salvation. Restore to me how I first felt when I knew you loved me without border and boundaries. Restore to me how I felt when you said I was worthy and enough just as I am. Restore to me how I felt when nothing in the world mattered, all my failures and shortcomings and flaws did not matter. Restore to me my innocence. Restore to me my love for others in a way that risked getting hurt. Restore to me confidence in an eternal everlasting hope for everyone who believes and even for those who don’t get. Restore to me innocence. Restore to me the time before I realized I could be hurt. Restore to me love. Restore to me the joy of your salvation. Restore to me the joy of your salvation. Restore to me you. Restore to me you. Restore to me you. Restore me. Restore me.