devotional

Reject Me Not

September 22, 2020 — Leave a comment

Then seizing [Jesus], they led him away and took him into the house of the high priest. Peter followed at a distance. And when some there had kindled a fire in the middle of the courtyard and had sat down together, Peter sat down with them. A servant girl saw him seated there in the firelight. She looked closely at him and said, ‘This man was with him.’

But he denied it. ‘Woman, I don’t know him,’ he said.

A little later someone else saw him and said, ‘You also are one of them.’

‘Man, I am not!’ Peter replied.

About an hour later another asserted, ‘Certainly this fellow was with him, for he is a Galilean.’

Peter replied, ‘Man, I don’t know what you’re talking about!’ Just as he was speaking, the rooster crowed. The Lord turned and looked straight at Peter. Then Peter remembered the word the Lord had spoken to him: ‘Before the rooster crows today, you will disown me three times.’ And he went outside and wept bitterly.

Luke 22:54-62

Why did Peter stick so close to the friend he kept rejecting? Why did Peter still stick around as he kept denying his affiliations with Jesus? Peter wanted to know what was going to happen to Jesus without experiencing the consequences himself. Peter still felt drawn to the Lord, but seeing what was happening to the Lord, felt it safer to keep a distance. How can we sometimes be so close to someone yet actually be so far away?

Regardless of his overt verbal rejections, Peter was already recognized and labelled as someone who knew Jesus. People saw him frolicking with Jesus. People knew Peter’s background. People knew that there was something between Peter and Jesus regardless of what he was saying in this fearful dark moment. I am both comforted and anxious about this . It gives me comfort because no matter how much I verbally reject God or distance myself from other Christians, I am and will forever be marked as a child of God. The experiences with God, the experiences of God and the experience of God with me are forever mine and continue to shape me. I may reject God in moments, but I am always his and he is mine. This also makes me anxious because no matter how much I try to run and hide, people may see and smell the Jesus on me. There’s a standard and a way of being that I feel an account. There’s a relationship that still takes up room in my heart. I always know when I am deviating from that standard and relationship.

People think much about the person who gets rejected, but there is a pain in being the person who rejects. Psychopaths aside, rejecting someone can come with it guilt, bitterness and brutal self-reflection. If you have been rejected, may God sit with you in that sorrow and wash away any notions of unworthiness. If you have rejected, may God sit with you in that sorrow as well and wash away the grip of guilt.

Blinding Lights

September 21, 2020 — Leave a comment

Meanwhile, Saul was still breathing out murderous threats against the Lord’s disciples. He went to the high priest and asked him for letters to the synagogues in Damascus, so that if he found any there who belonged to the Way, whether men or women, he might take them as prisoners to Jerusalem. As he neared Damascus on his journey, suddenly a light from heaven flashed around him. He fell to the ground and heard a voice say to him, ‘Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?’

‘Who are you, Lord?’ Saul asked.

‘I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting,’ he replied. ‘Now get up and go into the city, and you will be told what you must do.’

The men traveling with Saul stood there speechless; they heard the sound but did not see anyone. Saul got up from the ground, but when he opened his eyes he could see nothing. So they led him by the hand into Damascus. For three days he was blind, and did not eat or drink anything.

Acts 9:1-9

Are we imprisoned by certainty & anger? Are we set and determined down a path of destruction, thinking others will get hurt when the resentment is only killing us? Are you being called to let all that shit go?

Saul had all his armor: his achievements, his purpose, his status, his community, his resume on paper. God needed to blind him, to set his eyes on something new. God needed to make him helpless and dependent in order for him to starve out the toxins that were in his body. What will it take for you to let go of your armor, detox and drop whatever is making you tense and tight?

What is your anger covering up? Where do you feel injustice? How would you like the world to be? Why? Who would benefit if you got this world? Would it make you more vulnerable and empathetic? If you got this world, would it bring people together or tear communities apart? I hope that under our righteous anger is a compassion for humanity and a hope that renewal is possible & coming. I pray that you can let the anger point to the compassionate fragile beautiful heart inside that God wants to use, and actually, can only use. Be caring. Be fragile. Let go of that armor.

My fellow sinners & mockers

September 18, 2020 — Leave a comment

Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither — whatever they do prospers. Not so the wicked! They are like chaff that the wind blows away. Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous. For the Lord watches over the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked leads to destruction.

Psalm 1

Some of these TikTok stars will stay; many will fade away as the trend shifts to another platform of #hashtag #viral sensation. Some who have thrown up black squares and #BLM have forever shifted their lives for the cause; many will go back into daily life hoping they won’t be called out for any deep seated microaggressions. Who becomes like a John Lewis or a Gloria Steinem? Who becomes rooted in the work till death at 100 like Grace Lee Boggs? How does one become committed to their purpose and stay the course regardless of the fading trends and crashing waves?

Our roots grow depending on what we feed them. Are we feeding our souls with words and company that prune, uproot, disrupt the bad to make room for the better? Are we meditating on truths that make us feel more grounded and whole? Are we set on the long game, trusting that fruit WILL SHOW UP, if we stay in the game? When we are set on the presence and purpose of God for our lives, we will prosper. Yet be careful of how you measure prosper. To prosper is to have an abundance of enoughness & peace.

We sin when we are so keen on our own ways regardless of what the voice of God urges for our good. We all sin because being rooted and patient are hard to do. We sin when we deny that God has our best interest. We all sin. We mock when we are skeptical of the good and the hopeful. We mock when we let our own bitterness and pain get in the way of experiencing renewal and refreshment. We mock because it feels safer than opening our hearts up again. We all mock.

I hope that even as we see our propensity we can also keep in mind the possibility and beauty of being people who are planted with purpose. I hope that the latter curbs the propensity so that we all create new patterns to slow down, desire for big things and seek a life for the long game. I pray that closets and closed doors open up for the healing of God and for the goodness of his voice. I pray that even if/when we see the wickedness in us, it only points to the possibility of being something other.

YOLO guarded by the Spirit

September 17, 2020 — Leave a comment

For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. So do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord or of me his prisoner. Rather, join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God. he has saved us and called us to a holy life – not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel. And of this gospel I was appointed a herald and an apostle and a teacher. That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know when I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day. What you heard from me, keep as the pattern of sound teaching, with faith and love in Christ Jesus. Guard the good deposit that was entrusted to you — guard it with the help of the Holy Spirit who lives in us.

2 Timothy 1:6-14

What gets me is the see-saw I experience in life. One moment I am determined to live my life to the fullest, have a DGAF attitude and live in my power by doing things where after I can say, No one can judge me, but God. The next I’m reading this Word and there’s another kind of power that makes my life moments dim and the purposes of God so bold. Here Paul makes living for the gospel, living a holy life so worthwhile, so much bigger than us. And aren’t we all at least a bit drawn to living a life that exceeds beyond our little life?

It’s the marrying of these two moments — the DGAF, only God can judge me energy of being in this world WITH the big purpose, living for the gospel hope that makes every interaction, every word, every action meaningful. How does this play out in our daily thoughts, relationships, pursuits and paths?

In church, they always encourage us to measure all life by the Scriptures, but instead of leaning into a one way street where the Word of God sometimes halts all our behaviors and actions, make it more of a conversation. Yes, before acting and speaking let it filter through the bigness & goodness of the Word of God. But you have to come back to this world, too. What does it look like to still pursue those actions and honor those desires but with the refreshed & renewed sense of bigness, goodness and power of God? It doesn’t always have to mean, don’t do it anymore, give up your hopes. It could mean, boundaries, coming back to your immutable worth and not doing things just to please others and the world, or realizing that the standards the church has used to tried to shame you into a “holy life” may actually not align with the Word of God. Live a YOLO kind of life that honors the gospel.

The calm before the fill

September 16, 2020 — Leave a comment

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

Genesis 1:1-2

God resides in the emptyness and in the creation.
God is there for the formless and for what will take shape.
God is there for the empty and for the filling.

God is there when you feel like you’re in a void, when you’re at the beginning, when you’re feeling lost and spent. God hovers over his creation with purpose and creates and forms in stride. More than that, the Spirit of God is in you. So even when you feel separated and empty, the Spirit of God is stirring inside ready to create a masterpiece. Well, more than that, God has already created a masterpiece and is simply waiting for our minds to catch up to that truth.

Where in your life do you feel empty? Where are you feeling anxiety to fill what feels like a lack? Sometimes in the beginning, insecurities, fears and crushing expectations flood in to take up the space of God’s intimacy and quiet. Can the longing instead point to a truth of God — that he provides, that he is good, that he is wise in timing, that he creates for good? Can this start of something new be filled with joyful anticipation and hope instead of exhausted pre-filled disappointment? Yet how do we get from that place of lack and dark to a place of openness and faithful expectation?

By embracing and acknowledging the empty and the longing. By looking back at examples whether in the Bible or in your life when Jesus pulled through. By praying so hard that there is no time and room for fears to take hold. By filling your mind with songs of praise and worship and promise. By embracing the empty and filling it with the Spirit of God and trusting that as that filling takes place, it will manifest into a fullness you can experience on this side of heaven.

Unmasking with Friends

September 15, 2020 — Leave a comment

Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth.
Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; someone else, and not your own lips.
Stone is heavy and sand a burden, but provocation by a fool is heavier than both.
Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?
Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
He who is full loathes honey, but to the hungry even what is bitter tastes sweet.
Like a bird that strays from its nest is a man who strays from his home.
Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel.
Do not forsake your friend and the friend of your father, and do not go to your brother’s house when disaster strikes you — better a neighbor nearby than a brother far away.
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Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.

Proverbs 27:1-10, 17

There is nothing like crisis or the stripping away of routines & busyness to examine the health of our lives. We examine by looking truthfully at our relationships. Our relationships reflect what we care about, how we handle community and how we grow, and don’t grow. Every relationship is a mirror of us. Why are you connected to this person? Why are you still connected to this person? How do you care for this person? How does this person care for you?

This time is hard not being able to meet up with friends with the same ease and convenience like we once experienced. Even in those few times I do get to see my friends, it either feels heavier or so precious that after separation I sit with a depression hangover. I pray that still we push through and fight for those precious moments, and be honest with each other. There is little room and energy to keep being armored and masked. The world has stripped us of that so can we do that in our relationships. Can we be vulnerable and kind and honest? Can we truly, truly desire the good of those we love by showing up fully and showing up fully for them? Iron sharpens iron. This moment feels like a deep sharpening and that is painful. May we in this process experience the deep intimate love of true relationships.

Night Time Routine

September 13, 2020 — Leave a comment

Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God.
Give me relief from distress; have mercy on me and hear my prayer.
How long will you people turn my glory into shame?
How long will you love delusions and seek false gods?
Know that the Lord has set apart his faithful servant for himself; the Lord hears when I call to him.
Tremble and do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent.
Offer the sacrifices of the righteous and trust in the Lord.
Many, Lord, are asking, ‘Who will bring us prosperity?’ Let the light of your face shine on us.
Fill my heart with joy when their grain and new wine abound.
In peace I will die down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.

Psalm 4

Who can have a good night’s rest these days when our days are filled with so much unprocessed, unfinished and unanswered? Yet what good does bringing distress into rest do but make the next day even worst. How can we trust enough to let our bodies and minds rest for a night? How can we quiet our anxious hearts for a deep peaceful sleep?

Search your hearts.
Surrender all the feels, the worries & fears to God for safe keeping, just for the night. Don’t worry, they may very well still be there the next morning.
Breathe in the mercy of God.
Breathe out the shortcomings of the day.
Breathe in your set apart-ness, made for a purpose, nature.
Breathe out the comparisons.
Tomorrow, the light will shine upon your face.
Tomorrow will be new.
Amen.

Faith with no Doubt

September 11, 2020 — Leave a comment

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not supposed that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

James 1:5-8

Let him ask in faith with no doubting.

Think of a time when you were in such desperation and lack. When you asked God or, when you were so exhausted and downtrodden that you simply through your needs out there in an informal, messy, uncurated manner, there was no room for disclaimers or caveats. You asked, you begged, you cried out for help because you were already so broken and down, a crumb from the sky would have been a miracle. Those are moments of faith with no doubting.

Asking in faith with no doubt isn’t only in a move-mountains strength.
Asking in faith with no doubt is a vulnerable and surrendered posture. Asking in faith with no doubt isn’t simply reciting God’s word back to God.
Asking in faith with no doubt is an intimate and honest blurt of your need. Asking in faith with no doubt isn’t always pretty and brings up congregation AMEN’S.
Asking in faith with no doubt is quiet, desperate and gray.

Where doubt can seep in to destroy the faith and surrender you had is after you receive from God. How often do we get the thing we asked and we start questioning our worth for receiving said gift? How often do we get handed the exact thing we needed and start doubting that we deserve to be getting it? How often does doubt destroy the worship we would have given back to God?

I have been honest about feeling lonely and lacking in community. Yesterday I had the most incredible repetition with a friend that showed me the depths of intimacy and family. Yet during it, I felt so guilty for laying my truest self on my friend. Later that night, I received an email about an acting scholarship. I was floored that I actually received it and immediately started to doubt that I should be getting it. They certainly made a mistake. If not, I needed to do everything to prove that I deserve the scholarship. My mind went spiraling that I couldn’t even enjoy the gift. So to me and to you:

You received because you had faith and you have a good God. Your worth was the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Receive it humbly, praise without bounds and show up fully as your gift in return.

Ready to Mingle

September 10, 2020 — Leave a comment

And they devoted themselves to the apostles teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. And all who believed were together and had all things in common. And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, praising God, and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved.

Acts 2:42-47

What a fellowship! What a community! How do we have any of this now when the kindest and wisest thing is to limit gathering? Moreover, how do we have this kind of community when our hearts are discouraged, hurt and distrusting of the church? What is my part to play?

I will never forget my first year in Los Angeles. It was in my community group that I met my first & best friends, reopened my heart to God and ate a lot of delicious free food. When my grandma passed away, my community group rallied around me to pray for my family’s healing and for my time back home. It was in that fellowship that I came to know the tangible power of Jesus, the presence Holy Spirit and the provision of the Father. Fast forward to now, I feel very disconnected and disheartened by the church. Like with any group of people, I have experienced judgments, relationship fall outs, disagreements that seem to divide more than show diversity and distance. Some in part because I pulled away with the expectation that someone would come get me, and didn’t. Some because I no longer tolerate the wrongs I once allowed because I didn’t want to make others uncomfortable. So here I am, feeling separated and distant from the thing that once upon a time brought me so much healing, joy and belonging.

So with my heart bruised and weary, I read Acts 2 knowing that, yet still, it is a community of vulnerability, generosity and joy that I need. Where can I be more vulnerable, generous and grateful? With whom can I exhibit more of these to build this Acts 2 community? And this is the hardest: what will it take for me to still have faith and hope that it is worth it to be surrounded by people who love God? Can past memories and miracles propel be back into that space of faith? Can letting go of resentment and judgment bring me back into the fold of relationships that are actually ready for me? Who can I invite into this process of rebuilding my trust in church?

I read Acts 2 with such jealousy and longing. I miss and need so much of what it talks about. The devotion to learning together. The breaking of bread together. The prayer together. The generosity and gladness experienced together. The growth in friendships. These things without the together, feel lacking and sad. Virtual fellowship falls short. Podcasts come and fade. I wish I had the solution for you, for me. I’m here acknowledging that I miss these things and I want these things, and we need to do that first. God, open my heart to see where opportunities for safe community lie in today’s landscape. I’m ready.

Faith led you to the Desolate

September 9, 2020 — Leave a comment

Then Jesus called his disciples to him and said, ‘I have compassion on the crowd because they have been with me now three days and have nothing to eat. And I am unwilling to send them away hungry, lest they faint on the way.’ And the disciples said to him, ‘Where are we to get enough bread in such a desolate place to feed so great a crowd?’ And Jesus said to them, ‘How many loaves do you have?’ They said, ‘Seven and a few small fish.’ And directing the crowd to sit down on the ground, he took the seven loaves and the fish, and having given thanks he broke them and gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the crowds. And they all ate and were satisfied. And they took up seven baskets full of the broken pieces left over.

Matthew 15:32-37

I find myself at this story every time I’m in a resource bind or a mindset of lack. Today I was listening to a Brene Brown podcast with Dr. Sonenshein about the concept of “stretching,” being resourceful and creative with what you already have. Stretching requires scrappiness, a clear focus on purpose/goals and a heart check on what really makes you joyful and full. Dr. Sonenshein touched on meditating on a time when you were stretchy. What were you feeling then? Who were you with? Can that power that is possible come flowing back now?

The disciples might have been too tired to think outside of the box. They might have lacked stretchy-ness because they were focused on their circumstances and their limitations. They might have been worried about Jesus’ well-being. When their guard is down and they blurt their truth, Jesus always makes room for a teaching moment. Jesus followed through with his compassion for the people. His feelings flowed into faithful action.

But what I rarely think about is the crowd. They have been with Jesus for three days. They are tired, hungry, surrounded, stranded, yet still there. They followed without knowing when their next meal would come. They were stranded in a desolate place with so many strangers. Yet here they are. They followed. They had faith. And they did get fed.

I don’t know where your plans and where life have taken you. You might feel stranded in some desolate place when you felt that you were following God, or what was the right thing to do. You’re surrounded by unfamiliar faces. Maybe worst, you feel alone, even though you seem to be surrounded by voices. God is preparing a feast for you. You are part of their miracle. You are not forgotten and your faith has indeed taken you to places no human mind could conjure up.