freedom

Lent 2022: Under the Banner of Annoyance

March 6, 2022 — 1 Comment

I came home after a 16 mile run and I’m running behind to go to church service. The last thing I want to find is an occupied bathroom, and worst a roommate who takes his sweet time in it. I’m seething in my spirit, aching in my body, and positive he’s taking longer because he knows I need the restroom.

^^What do I gain by thinking that his bathroom usage was a personal affront to me? What do I gain by thinking that folks are not mindful? What do I gain by thinking the world is out to get me?

It gives me permission to be PISSED. It gives me permission to not be as kind as I should be. It gives me permission to armor up and fight the next person who looks at me wrong.

I am highly sensitive and I get irritated so easily. Because under my quickness to get annoyed is my grip on control — things need to be according to MY timeline, people need to act according to how I THINK, in my brain.

I wish I could say, now that I know, now that I’ve verbalized my flaw, I am ready to let go and surrender. Quite the opposite, now that I know, I feel myself doubling down on my need to control and my fear of surrender. I’m afraid that when I let go, I won’t be able to put the lid back on. I’m afraid that if I surrender my agenda, and the story that the world is against me, I’ll need to show up even more. When you show up more, you risk getting hurt more… but you also risk more joy and discovery.

I think I loved the pandemic emotions because I was allowed to be sad and scared without having to explain myself. I mean, look outside. But now that the pandemic is falling to the background and the world is opening up again, I see myself putting on the mask of happy and gratitude, when I’m just desperate to be sad and be disappointed. I believe you can be sad and disappointed without self-pity, and I want to be that, without having to explain myself, without having to first give a disclaimer of joy.

I love my sadness and fear because I’m sensitive and vulnerable and easily affected by the feels of the world. Now I want to be comfortable to exist in that without the gearing up to fend off people that want to fix me or make me feel better. I want to be confident enough in myself that how you see me isn’t as important as me living honestly.

Lent Day 21: I give up Unworthiness

March 9, 2021 — Leave a comment

Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and to break every yoke?

Isaiah 58:6

I give up discarding the freedom God has already granted me. I give up hiding in the former ways because it feels more familiar. I give up putting on the coat of unworthiness when God has claimed me as worthy. I give up re-chaining what God has set loose. I give up going my way when God has planted me in their way. I pray I stand and live and soak and bask and enjoy and celebrate the body and space I now stand in, truly stand in according to God’s love and promises.

Lent Day 15: I give up Even the Good Things

March 3, 2021 — Leave a comment

You cannot fast as you do today and expect your voice to be heard on high. Is this the kind of fast I have chosen, only a day for people to humble themselves? Is it only for bowing one’s head like a reed and for lying in sackcloth and ashes? Is that what you call a fast, a day acceptable to the Lord? Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untied the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?

Isaiah 58:5-6

I give up picking and choosing what to surrender to God. I give up keeping certain burdens and concerns for myself. I give up controlling which chains I’m willing to break and which I’m willing to stay in. It’s an all or nothing endeavor — this sort of dreaming, fasting and trusting of God. You either jump into the ocean or stand on your own shaky foundation. You either live a lifestyle for freedom and against oppression or live in a way that doesn’t include everyone, everything. This sort of brave and faithful living requires laying even our good things and the things we have found comfort in for too long, on the altar. This is the only way to make room for what God has had in store for us all along.

Lent Day 8: I give up Duplicity

February 24, 2021 — Leave a comment

And if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.

Isaiah 58:10-11

I give up duplicity, saying I live in behalf of the oppressed, yet desiring the lifestyle of the oppressors. I give up believing that the treasure and the light are in the high and mighty and beautiful social-media liked platforms. I give up looking for satisfaction in my oppressors — those who don’t see me, those who don’t believe in me, those who are not making a way for my freedom. I give up, I let go, I will work till my dying breath, to not be an oppressor. I choose to see people. I choose to believe in the humanity and goodness of others. I choose to make liberation available for all. I want to believe that the land I’m in right now, this sun-scorched land where I feel beaten and weak and so close to need, is exactly where God will do the mightiest work.

Lent Day 7: I give up Half-Ass Change

February 23, 2021 — Leave a comment

Is this the kind of fast I have chosen, only a day for people to humble themselves? Is it only for bowing one’s head like a reed and for lying in sackcloth and ashes? Is that what you call a fast, a day acceptable to the Lord?

Isaiah 58:5

I give up management strategies. I give up tacking on more To Do’s and Best Practices to live my Best Life. I give up the never-ending search for self-improvement. I give up the kind of change that exists mostly on the outside. I give up changes that mask the bigger issues I’ve been too scared to address. I want real transformation. I want transformation that sticks. I want transformation that expands how I see myself, how I see others and how I see the world. I want transformation that could not be fashioned by human ways; the divine and the community had to come into play. I want divine transformation. I give into divine transformation that stops me in my tracks. I give into divine transformation where I know, without a doubt, God is at play.

Lent Day 6: I give up Staying Caged

February 22, 2021 — 1 Comment

Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?

Isaiah 58:6

I give up the ways I imprison myself. I give up living in bitterness and resentment over small and trivial matters. I give up wasting my energy on projects and people that don’t align with integrity and kindness. It is not my responsibility to align people with me. I give up letting others co-opt my own sense of integrity, kindness and courage. I give up caging myself in when the prison door has flown open. I give up thinking I don’t deserve to be free. I am free. I’m going to chase after freedom. I set my mind on freedom. I set my heart on freedom. I’m going to make sure others are free as well.

Living like it’s a Gift of Grace

February 3, 2021 — Leave a comment

I became a servant of this gospel by the gift of God’s grace given me through the working of his power. Although I am less than the least of all the Lord’s people, this grace was given me: to preach to the Gentiles the boundless riches of Christ, and to make plain to everyone the administration of this mystery, which for ages past was kept hidden in God, who created all things. His intent was that now, through the church, the manifold wisdom of God should be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms, according to his eternal purpose that he accomplished in Christ Jesus our Lord. In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence.

Ephesians 3:7-12

No matter how high and powerful you are, wherever you are, you serve something or someone. What philosophy, priority or perspective do you live by? Who do you seek to please? Where or from whom do you derive your power and purpose? What do you get to do which feels like a gift of grace?

I take many aspects of my life for granted, from being able to live in my city to pursue my dream career to being able to laugh fully. The former takes a grasp of hopes and dreams and the latter derives from exercising my diaphragm muscle. These things are not givens for everyone — the mindset of pursuing something that is brave and fulfilling, and the space and ability to enjoy, play and be silly. These are gifts I have received by grace because of my ancestors’ hard work and because of God’s divine provisions. I also don’t think there is a final arrival for these gifts; I will get to expand and grow until the end of my days.

I encourage you to press into the thing that you get to do that expands you, that reminds you of God’s freedom and confidence in you. I encourage you to serve the good news of freedom, unity and wholeness and see where it takes you, who it leads you to and how it manifests. I encourage you to lead by serving a purpose greater than yourself. I pray that you can live into the thing that makes you think in each moment, wow! woah! this is all a gift!

Agency in Our Belief & Praise

January 20, 2021 — Leave a comment

And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession — to the praise of his glory.

Ephesians 1:13-14

Hearing leads to belief. Belief leads to inclusion. Inclusion leads to promise. Promise leads to praise. The middle part of this journey — inclusion & promise — are guaranteed! When you have the belief, you are included. Period. When you are included and stamped with the Spirit of God, you are part of the promise and your inheritance is locked in. It’s the beginning and living out of this journey where we have more agency.

Hearing to Belief. There is a choice to be curious and open. You don’t have to be ripped naked and have all other noises zoned out. You simply need to have some part of your heart tuned in to the message of the gospel. The beauty of the gospel is that it comes in all languages, mediums and methods. If there is space, it can find its way in. And the belief doesn’t have to be outwardly demonstrative. I believe gravity exists — I don’t think about that every moment of my life even though that belief is my whole existence on earth. Same with belief in the gospel. It can come in and out, and be louder at certain moments when you choose to notice, and quieter when you simply trust it’s swimming in your existence.

Promise to Praise. There is a choice here to be generous and brave. You don’t have to be annoyingly overspiritualized and add #blessed to every social media post. You simply are aware of this full deposit that you have. The beauty of the Holy Spirit is that it expresses in all kinds of manners. If there is a desire to share, it will ooze out. How can your praise exist in words and deeds? In moments of quiet and mundanity and in sacred and full times? If you have the promise and know the promise, can you open a little more today so we can see inside that transformed heart?

Choosing Love

January 4, 2021 — 1 Comment

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

1 Corinthians 13:1-3

Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.

James Baldwin

We can have the power and purpose to impact people and the world, but without love, the barrier between humans remains and the connection that enables change cannot be formed. Love is what breaks down our defenses and armors so that we can actually be close enough to each other to see and know each other. Love translates our unique actions into the unique language our recipients can understand. Love removes fear so that play, innocence and leaps of faith can exist. Love removes the fear of not being enough, the fear of being seen and potentially rejected, the fear of doing it wrong, (as if there’s actually something such as doing it right), the fear that that where we are right now is off. Where you are right now reveals the insecurities, the heartaches and challenges that are building up your mask. With that awareness, you can have agency to choose love instead.

Choose love? That’s choosing your unchangeable worth and uniqueness ordained by God above all else. Choosing love is to see yourself the way God sees you — divine, done on purpose and delightful. Out of this knowing and love, we then break these manmade prisons that keep us separate and weary of each other. In this freedom, we then communicate, prophesy, perform miracles, give generously and endure all waves. Only when we recognize our own freedom and live into it can we seek to free others. That is our greatest calling: to usher others into their wholeness and freedom. To point people back to their Garden of Eden.

If you continue on in 1 Corinthians, you will find what love is. When you are not living in those — patience, kindness, opposite of envy, humility, and so forth — you are not in love. Will you dare to ask yourself why you are not living in and out of love? What mindset of comparison are you in? What unhealthy narratives are you imprisoned by? Where are you not believing God’s divine touch and making of you? Press in. Press through. You will find love right there.

Spacious Heart

September 6, 2020 — Leave a comment

In you, Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness.
Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me.
Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me.
Keep me free from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge.
Into your hands I commit my spirit; deliver me, Lord, my faithful God.
I hate those who cling to worthless idols; as for me, I trust in the Lord.
I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.
You have not given me into the hands of the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place.

Psalm 31:1-8

God,
It feels like the world is closing in on me. I feel trapped and scared, helpless to the walls caving in on me, moving in with the purpose of crushing me, crushing the spirit in me. I feel taken under by the feelings that arise: feelings of anxiety, depression, guilt, shame and fear. I wave my arms for help but no one is around to come to my rescue. I wave my arms for help but those that are around are too busy with their own fears and pain to even see me. I wave my arms in surrender, throwing my white flag ready to give up.

I am tired of this constant feeling of discomfort. I am tired of trying to keep growing. I am tired of trying to be compassionate even when it doesn’t come back in return. I am tired of my patterns and behaviors that are harmful yet I don’t know how to change them. I am exhausted seeing my heart and how far I still need to go. I am exhausted seeing the world in pain. I am exhausted saying these things.

I hate the rise of anger. I hate the stirring of heartbreak. I hate the tears always moments away. I hate the loneliness. I hate the battles. I want to hide and I want to sleep and not wake up until the days are better. So God I beg you to hide me in your refuge to remind me of my strength and purpose. In your refuge, can you sing over me who I am in your eyes. In your refuge can you make hope more alive than anything else. In your refuge may you grow the space in my heart for those that make life hard and this life cruel. May you grow the space in my heart to be a forgiving and compassionate and humble warrior of your goodness. Set my feet, my heart and my soul in a spacious place trusting that even as things around me fall apart, I am rooted and I will come out alive in the rubble.

I pray because I have no other weapons. Amen.