grief

Dare you to Hope

October 4, 2020 — Leave a comment

Therefore, I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? And why do you worry about your clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you — you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:25-34

There is a comfort and a familiarity with worrying. There is an acceptance to stress, especially at a time like now. There might even be an expectation to think about all the what if’s and have nots because that aligns with the vibe of the world. I have experienced the guilt of enjoying a moment, of receiving a generous gift, of having a genuine beautiful explosive moment during times of collective sorrow & grief. It feels selfish. It feels inappropriate. It feels like I’m living in a bubble, under a rock and oblivious to how the world is going.

Here’s the truth: the world is hurting. The world has been hurting and the world will continue to hurt. And I pray that our heart will always align with that heartache which drives us to hope and to impact. I pray that the grief and sorrow of this world would propel us to make it better and to make ourselves better. So if this is the reality, can we allow ourselves to also find moments when we don’t have to worry and instead look up at the stars and have an explosive faith that reverberates, I will be okay. Things will be okay? Can we give ourselves permission to enjoy the lilies of the field? Can we give ourselves permission to hope SO BIG that it pushes out the anxiety and fears?

So my exhortation is beyond not worrying. I dare you to enjoy. I dare you to have faith that all things will work out for your good. I dare you to know with all your heart, you will be provided for, especially when it feels empty and lacking right now. I dare you to look at the stars and at the flowers and trust that God loves you even more than those. This is scary. This is vulnerable. To not let worry be our guide but instead to spark the faith and hope in each of us is radical and will make this hurting world a bit more joyful.

A Journey in the Valley

September 1, 2020 — Leave a comment

I was in the middle of rehearsal when the notification of Chadwick Boseman’s death flashed across my screen. In the pause when my heart was on hold, I hoped it was all an error, a cruel tabloid by some evil prankster who had nothing better to do but ruin the world’s Friday night. For a decent, honest, kind hero like Boseman to be taken so soon felt like the purest evidence that life can be so unfair and that death is not right. Death on earth is inevitable for each of us, but it still feels wrong, like it really was never meant to be. Something went wrong. In my culture, death is not the end.

This year has been relentless with its full display of loss, grief and injustice. The black lives taken this year, and the many lost in the past but only now surfacing because we finally believe and care. The hundreds of thousands of lives ravaged by illness, many that could have been saved if it were not for the unjust health care system that disenfranchises black and brown and the poor, and if we didn’t have a president who cared more about his ego than the country’s wellbeing. The Lebanese lives affected by manmade mistakes. The lives upended by natural disasters and climate change. The lives taken because assault weapons are still allowed in public hands. It’s not that death, loss, injustice and grief bloomed this year; we’re just finally paying attention and feeling it in our bones and schedules and social media.

God, what are you doing? God what are you trying to say? What is here to hold and honor, under this blanket of exhaustion, anger, sorrow, rage, depression and anxiety? Why do you often use grief and sorrow to straighten us and slow us down to the present moment, to display the priorities buried in our purpose? What does it mean to experience the fullness of this pain and moment for our own good, for the sake of others, for the sake of the world? What does it look like to walk in power embracing grief and sorrow? Chadwick did that. The greatest leaders who put it all on the line did that. Jesus did that.

It’s been a while since I’ve read the Word. God feels present, but very quiet. The Word feels unpredictable and I’m afraid to open my Bible and feel anger towards voices of past teachers evading my space. But God is present and their still small voice says, trust me, hold the faith, I’ll show you a better way. So, today is a step. Tomorrow will be a step.

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:1-4

CBG: Offensive Love

June 6, 2020 — Leave a comment

Now Jesus had not yet come into the village, but was still in the place where Martha had met him. When the Jews who were with her in the house, consoling her, saw Mary rise quickly and go out, they followed her, supposing that she was going to the tomb to weep there. Now when Mary came to where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet, saying to him, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled. And he said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord, come and see.” Jesus wept. So the Jews said, “See how he loved him!” But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man also have kept this man from dying?” Then Jesus, deeply moved again, came to the tomb. It was a cave, and a stone lay against it. Jesus said, “Take away the stone.” Martha, the sister of the dead man, said to him, “Lord, by this time there will be odor, for he has been dead four days.” Jesus said to her, “Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?” So they took away the stone. And Jesus lifted up his eyes and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, But I said this on account of the people standing around, that they may believe that you sent me.” When he had said these things, he cried out with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out.” The man who had died came out, his hands and feet bound with linen strips, and his face wrapped with a cloth. Jesus said to them, “Unbind him, and let him go.” Many of the Jews therefore, who had come with Mary and had seen what he did, believed him, but some of them went to the Pharisees and told them what Jesus had done. So the chief priests and the Pharisees gathered the council and said, “What are we to do? For this many performs many signs. If we let him go on like this, everyone will believe in him, and the Romans will come and take away both our place and our nation.”

John 11:30-48

The sorrow of the place. The declaration from Mary that Jesus was her brother’s keeper. The calling out of Jesus’ power. The grief. The community. It overtook Jesus. In this particular case, he demonstrated his love and power by resurrecting the dead.

He showed up for the community even when he didn’t know exactly what he was going to witness. He held their emotions that it broke him down to their level of grief. He then acted in a way that demonstrated the heights and power of his love.

Sacrificial love requires us to show up even when we might not know what we will encounter and how we will be received. It requires us to be with others so deeply that it feels like it is our own the sorrow and suffering. We are our brother’s keeper. Suffering onto them is suffering onto us. We must go near. We must look into the eyes of those hurting. We must draw so near it troubles our spirit. I wish all sacrificial love can result in resurrection on earth. However, the love needs to be demonstrated so profoundly that it draws people into immense hope and faith and/or make people hate you. This was the moment when people drew even nearer, surrendered even more to love and the kingdom Jesus had preached. This was also the moment the Pharisees began their plot to kill Jesus. They saw their power slipping away. They needed to protect their power. Sacrificial love will draw some to more love and draw out the insidious fears in others. Love anyway.

Prayer: I am my brother’s keeper. Keep breaking my heart until I see those suffering as my own suffering. Move me to act in a way that offends both those who are hurt to restorative love and those who are oppressing to fear.

Where is my heart callous?

CBG: Holy Saturday

April 11, 2020 — Leave a comment

Mary Magdalene and Mary the mother of Jesus saw where he was laid.

Mark: 15:47
I imagine the quiet gray permeating from dusk to dawn.
The numb sweeping up and down your body 
Hope marred and crushed 
You are crushed
Love dead and locked away
All you have left is a cold stone reminder of everything you lost
How did we get here?
Your fragile heart is too afraid to lift its eyes
For fear of connecting with another heartbroken soul
Who will see you in your unarmored self
All you want is to be held and comforted
But will that even be enough?
It's a nightmare
Wake up
Rewind
Reset. Please. Please. I promise--
Negotiating in the waiting
Replaying those times when it didn't feel so heavy
Trying to be anywhere but here
Anything to not feel the powerless, the helpless, the human in us
The quiet gray ambient grief that is unable to utter any words to soothe 
Words are shit
Shut up
Stop trying to make this okay
Stop moving!
You don't even have the energy to scream or release
You hold it in to hold on 
Now what
Where do we go from here
When here was where we were meant to be

Prayer: Look up.

Creative: What message does your former self need?

Brave: Look in.

Generous: Look out.

CBG COVID Challenge: #1

March 21, 2020 — Leave a comment

It is natural and normal to paint the current situation as grim. It is. And it can feel insensitive and fake to simply find the silver lining or to focus on the positive. We as children of God DO NOT and SHOULD NOT do that because God does not silver line or simply zoom past reality to eventual heaven. If anyone and anything exemplifies how to “get through crisis,” it was Jesus f’ng Christ. He lived through humanity aka crisis and pain and hurt. He was with humanity. So as Christians we must set an example of how to live through reality while focusing on the goal and treasure we have already gained. This is our special time to overtly balance things that seem incongruent — here and not yet; fully clean yet needs sanctification; saints and sinners. What would it look like for us to be the truest church today, a church that makes others know and feel, we may be human form but we are Spirit guided.

As I was meditating on what the current situation feels like — anxiety, fear, depression, anger, sorrow, joy, gratitude, the movie Inside Out — I landed on this scripture which I think can be a way in to how we will get through.

For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?

Matthew 16:26

When we have the world, it’s easy to meditate on that scripture and tell ourselves — yes don’t be hoarding, don’t be selfish, meditate on God. We were focused on and we had the world, and we didn’t know it. Until now, when it really feels like we have lost the world. We have. We have lost our plans, our community, our money, our jobs, our hugs, life as we know it. So, now that the world is upside down, I’m going to flip this scripture.

For what will it profit a man if he gains his soul and forfeits the whole world?

That, children of God, is what we have. We have gained our soul and we have lost our world. This special time we have is a time for us to one, meditate and live into what it means to “gain our soul” and two, acknowledge and work through a reality of “forfeiting the world.” Can we do this? Can we do the hard work to shift and mold our character and soul while being real humans about our loss? I think by the Holy Spirit we can and we must!

Not sure if it’s Warren Buffet or Benjamin Graham, one of these old wealthy rich dudes, said to do something creative, brave and generous every day. Through these three categories I hope to make tangible the posture of Matthew 16:26. I also want to share a daily prayer posture. I hope this reset and reframe God has put on humanity will lead to a kinder, more vulnerable, and more overtly interdependent world. We need each other and each other is the funnest way through. Virtually, of course. STAY AWAY FROM PEOPLE!

Prayer: Grief. Be real and honest with God with loss you are experiencing and you see the world around you experiencing. Give it to God, hardcore lay it on God. Take a breath and let God really respond however God does.

Creative: Dance and jam to a song. YAS queen.

Brave: Who can you forgive?

Generous: Pray for someone who annoys you.

Sh*t Christians Don’t Say: Dis-honor Ma & Pa

July 12, 2019 — Leave a comment

Honor your mother and father. One of the 10 commandments. Growing up hearing this over and over again, against the backdrop of a father who tried to kill me with a chair and a mother who shamed me for how dark my skin is, was difficult. Honor your mother and father. I would look up passages and search and ask to see if there was any way around this commandment. How could I honor people who harmed me? How could I continue to honor those that made me feel invisible and small?

When I tell people I’m not close to my family, people say I get that, me too. Then those same people proceed to share how they’re going on vacay with their family or how their dad sent them an article to read. I am not close to my family. They don’t ask me questions. They don’t know when I’m sad. We sit quietly at home, like true strangers in the facade of relatedness.

When I tell people, I don’t like my family. I often get, they’re doing the best they can. If you want to, you can. They’re parents etc. I’m a grown woman and my drunk dad told me I’m a disappointment and he’s been tolerating me. I’m a grown woman and as I leave to go back to LA, my dad doesn’t make eye contact with me, but instead as I’m leaving, says I’m a liar. I have no integrity. Yeah. I had written him a card saying when I was in New York I would take him out to eat. I forgot and I didn’t follow through. That’s my fault. But instead of bringing it up, he aggressively calls me a liar and shamed me as I leave. And the only reason why I know it has something to do with this meal promise is because my mom later sends me 15 voice mails about how I failed there. Yes. I didn’t follow through and fine, I lied. I made a promise and I failed. But is the way to deal with me to shame me, yell at me and make me truly never want to take him out for a meal? Also why does he want that when he doesn’t even talk to me when I’m home? He does nothing but mutter under his breath how I suck and then drink. It’s not even 9am.

When I tell people, I hate my family, I feel judged. I believe people think I’m being dramatic and callous. My parents are immigrants who sacrificed so much for me. And now there is never room for me to hate them. At what point am I no longer held to this filial obligation for something I had no control over? How much shame, fear and anger must I endure for me to have enough reason to draw my boundaries.

Honor your mother and father. I feel shame around that commandment. I feel that I will never do that enough. Is me coming home every time even after such horrific times, good enough? That’s my version of forgiveness but I can’t forget. It’s in my body. I’m miserable when I’m home. I want to cry but there’s no where to cry and as I’m writing this on the subway, I have to be careful that the floodgates don’t suddenly open.

How do I DIStance myself and not DisHonor? Does that make you more comfortable? If I never see my parents again, I really would not be sad. They haven’t been part of my life. When I think of my blood family, I am filled with grief, hurt, sadness and fear. I don’t like who I become. I don’t like how trapped I feel. Am I allowed to DISHonor my parents? Truth is, they probably already see me as a dishonorable dishonest daughter.

Day 32: Boom! You’re on fire.

January 17, 2019 — Leave a comment

Leviticus 8-10; Psalm 32

Aaron and his sons are given an incredible privilege to in God’s presence and showcase his perfection before the people. Honor am I right! Then two of Aaron’s sons, maybe accidentally, maybe just didn’t think too much about it, went before the holy place and were consumed by God’s holiness and died. Aaron is too stricken by grief that he doesn’t say anything and his two other sons have to claim the bodies. Now at this point, if I were an Israelite I would not be jealous of Aaron’s job. Approaching God and being a reflection of God is damn dangerous. It could cost you your life if you don’t do things right. It’s no haphazard, half thought out thing for Aaron and his family to have access to God. It’s no joke that they are chosen to mirror God’s holiness.

One thank you Jesus that our missteps don’t result us in our immediate smiting. But do we sometimes take for granted our access to God? What does it even mean to do that? What does it mean to haphazardly come before God and more importantly try to represent him? Do we get cocky that we have God and start to do what we want thinking whatever God already chose me? How do you balance a freedom to approach God however and a gravitas to the encounter? We have full access to God; I mean God’s in us. Let us not take that lightly and misrepresent how beautiful that is that we have the divine. May we really reflect what it means to be divine, to be chosen as divine. Because that can either draw people towards God or push them away in fear and anger. Poor Aaron. What a lesson to kill his two sons… this Bible can be OUT THERE.