intimacy

The Focus in Faith

September 14, 2020 — Leave a comment

Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, ‘Lord, who is going to betray you.’ When Peter saw him, he asked, ‘Lord, what about him?’ Jesus answered, ‘If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.’

John 21:20-22

Peter was literally brought back into the fold of Jesus, the most intimate and vulnerable of recommitments, before he quickly turned his focus to the other disciple John. Peter was ready to be called into deep responsibility — to feed the sheep — yet when he got word of how he was going to die, he needed to turn his focus elsewhere and get away from whatever feelings he was having in the moment. Fear? Insecurity? Unworthiness?

We may be down for Jesus’ purpose in our lives until we experience the depths of intimacy and specificity it has on each of us. It is so exposing and vulnerable, that it can push us to quickly turn the focus away from our hearts. It can sound so intense and unreal that we need to hear what it’s going to be like for others, to simply not feel alone in our fears or inadequacies.

When do you catch yourself thinking, what about them? When do you fall prey to comparison and getting wrapped up in where others will end up? When something feels unfair and overwhelming, how do you cope? Do you address those feelings or do you look out and point the finger at things/people that are not even part of your issue?

I pray you know that God has a special and particular calling for your life. If you know this, then you might be scared. You might have all kinds of feelings. Come back to the intimacy of God, to his gentleness and continual mercies. Focus on your beautiful journey. Don’t let the devil make you feel small or bitter for having a purpose and place that is hard and uncomfortable. That place is where you require the most faith and focus.

CBG: 100

July 1, 2020 — Leave a comment

100 posts. What started out as a project for my friend and I became a tracker of my emotions, longings and conversations with God. I gave myself permission to question and to doubt. I let myself be angry and sad, while in the Word. My honesty and my learning are welcomed in the presence of God. How I feel on 3/25 can evolve on 5/25; dear God I hope it will always! While I don’t come to the end of this journey with a burning desire to start my mornings with the Bible and in prayer, I have learned the following.

  1. I don’t need to prove my faith to anyone. God is my judge, and for that I will answer to God when it is my day.
  2. Writing different devotionals on the same verses showed me the power of God to speak beyond words. The Word evolves to translate God’s intimacy and nearness. That is usually what I need to grow and to take action.
  3. God’s Word is active as in it must lead to self-reflection and action, and more often than not, change. This is spiritual conviction — a self-growth rooted in being loved and is demonstrated as outward action for others.

Thoughts as I take the next however long to process:

  • Who have we allowed and not allowed to interpret and teach the Word, and how does this play into greater separation from God?
  • Why do certain populations (which ones) shy away from the Word in times of suffering and pain? How is this related to our current gatekeepers for preaching and teaching?
  • How does our onset insistence on right theology actually prevent the curiosity and safety to get to that same theology?

Because of God, even when I feel alone, I have faith that it might be different in the next minute. Because of God, I have dreams to make this world better. Because of God, I have been freed from generational prisons. Because of God, I know a love that keeps me going when the world falls apart. This is the God I love and I want others to experience. This is my purpose.

CBG: Pure

June 28, 2020 — Leave a comment

And [Jesus] opened his mouth and taught them saying:
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

Matthew 5:2-8

Purity. How do we untether the word from the white supremacist, patriarchal and othering world it is often defined by in today’s church cultures?

Burn the idea of being a precious untouched flower.
Burn the idea of being white.
Burn the idea of being a certain kind of feminine that “upholds value” aka dogwhistle sexism.
Burn the idea that it is too late, too far gone for others aka shame.

Purity. Clean. Whole. Full integrity. Is purity a fable and a lie to keep the masses down while those at the pulpit hold onto their power to tell us how to attain? Who is pure among us? Jesus? I think, maybe, only, Jesus…Jesus certainly saw God.

What was his heart like? Full of emotions. Full of purpose. His heart was for his calling on earth — to close the gap between humans and God. His heart was to bring all to a state of worthiness and wholeness so that those in that experience know their forever place in the kingdom of God.

Purity in heart is a callback to the uninhibited connection to God in the garden. It requires a burning of the shame, the lie that we need to do it on our own and the distrust of a good creator. Purity in heart is how we are created — an innocence and full access to God — but the ways of this world fog up that truth. If we can believe that we are already pure in heart while simultaneously working to feel and exist pure in heart, we will become intimate with God and our purpose.

Prayer: God I pray for the courage to believe in my already purity while working towards experiencing it fully. God I pray for shames and lies to be burned away by your goodness.

How has the idea of purity made me small or judgmental?

CBG: Mourning

June 23, 2020 — Leave a comment

And [Jesus] opened his mouth and taught them, saying:
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Matthew 5:2-4

When do we mourn? What fills us in times of mourning?

We mourn when we had and now we have lost. We mourn what was and are approaching what is. We mourn what could have been while waiting for what’s next. Mourning is an expression of care. Mourning involves emptying and letting go. Mourning is painful because it feels like the only thing that matters in the moment isn’t making the situation any better. It can overtake you. It can fog everything. It has its own timeline and reminds us again we are not in control. Yet this act can be a blessing because it reveals our capacity to love, dream and hold. Mourning reflects the depth of our connection and care. Mourning demonstrates that this present moment cannot be the end. In mourning, it is healthy and right to feel the heartbreak and hopelessness. In the void and hole is its corresponding space to be filled. It is a space ready to be with newness, unimaginable pivots and an intimacy with God that otherwise cannot be accessed. Comfort is the closeness of another.

Prayer: God make me brave to fully grieve the things I have lost and desired. Help me feel your presence in that grief.

What scares you about comfort in mourning?

CBG: Children

June 15, 2020 — Leave a comment

And they were bringing children to him that he might touch them, and the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, “Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” And he took them in his arms and blessed them, laying his hands on them.

Mark 10:13-16

The disciples have seen the breadth and depth of society that has come to Jesus’ feet and teachings. They have seen the outcast, the marginalized, the sick, the poor, the rich come to Jesus. They have seen Jesus offend those in power, those other have been too afraid to question. Here they didn’t want the children coming to Jesus. Why not? Did they think the children wouldn’t understand? Was this their way of caring for Jesus because they didn’t want him to be bothered by high energy children? They didn’t see the point of these children coming to Jesus, the prophet, the Messiah, the great teacher? What would that do for the movement?

Jesus gets angry. Jesus rebukes his disciples. He demands that people need to receive the kingdom of God like a child. He then spent joyful time with the children.

Let us stop profiling and decide who can or cannot be part of the work. Let us not assume what God can or cannot handle. Let us expand what the movement can look like and who can be involved. Let us expand our idea of community. Let us undo our scarcity, results-oriented, sense of urgency mindsets. Let us receive God with boundless hope and simplicity. Let us receive God and jump in with faith and joy. The movement and the work is for this moment: unabashed joy, love, intimacy and grasp of God. This is why we toil, so that all can experience the fullness of God on earth as it is in heaven, and when you get glimpses of that on earth, pause and relish.

Prayer: God help me to receive your promises like a believing and hopeful child. Help me to strive and do the work with a faith and trust that it is indeed possible to have heaven on earth.

Who or what is deterring me from experiencing possibility and change?

CBG: Judas

May 31, 2020 — Leave a comment

After saying these things, Jesus was troubled in his spirit, and testified. “Truly, truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me.” The disciples looked at one another, uncertain of whom he spoke. One of his disciples, whom Jesus loved, was reclining at the table at Jesus’ side, so Simon Peter motioned to him to ask Jesus of whom he was speaking. So that disciple, leaning back against Jesus, said to him, “Lord, who is it?” Jesus answered, “It is he to whom I will give this morsel of bread when I have dipped it.” So when he had dipped the morsel, he gave it to Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot. Then after he had taken the morsel, Satan entered him. Jesus said to him, “What are you going to do, do quickly.”

John 13:21-27

Judas hung with Jesus, knew the guy, loved the guy. Judas was there supporting Jesus. He was there when he went against the Pharisees and those in power. Judas was in the inner circle. He helped with the miracles of supporting the vulnerable and the disenfranchised. He was doing the work. He was at the dinner table. There is nothing more intimate than sharing a meal. Judas was so close, one of the good guys, one of the friends. Judas was invited into Jesus’ heart, mission, purposes. He knew Jesus. He loved Jesus. He betrayed Jesus.

I pray that we do the work of dismantling oppressive systems. I pray that we give voice to those who are the most vulnerable. I pray that we can lay down our comforts and put our money down for the causes. I pray that we stand firm against evil, against white supremacy and against racism.

I pray most that we don’t forget we can all be Judas. We are all Judas. We can do the work and we can shout, out there and forget the friend right next to us. We can give our money and repost and forget to check ourselves at the dinner table. We can give our lives up and declare promises to do better, and in our safe inner circles when no one is looking, we harbor other thoughts.

I need to actively love my black friends and neighbors that are right in front of me, for my shouts for change to be sustained by a changing heart. I must get uncomfortable, put my ego aside, apologize when I haven’t done enough and check in with my friends and neighbors who are black and who I love, supposedly. If I don’t start here, what is my work for? I must do the work not for surface media coverage, but for true restoration, sanctification and redemption. That is not a momentary trending work. It is a life long discipline.

  1. If God is your judge, how would you be acting differently?
  2. Where have you felt alone this week?
  3. Where have you felt in community?
  4. What do you need?

CBG: Intimacy

May 9, 2020 — Leave a comment

As soon as [David] had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. And Saul took him that day and would not let him return to his father’s house. Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul. And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David, and his armor, and even his sword and his bow and his belt. And David went out and was successful wherever Saul sent him, so that Saul set him over the men of war. And this was good in the sight of all the people and also in the sight of Saul’s servants.

For as long as the son of Jesse lives on the earth, neither you nor your kingdom shall be established. Therefore send and bring [David] to me, for he shall surely die. Then Jonathan answered Saul his father, “Why should he be put to death? What has be done?” But Saul hurled his spear at him to strike him. So Jonathan knew that his father was determined to put David to death. And Jonathan rose from the table in fierce anger and ate no food the second day of the month, for he was grieved for David, because his father had disgraced him.

And as soon as the boy had gone, David rose from beside the stone heap and fell on his face to the ground and bowed three times. And they kissed one another and wept with one another, David weeping the most. Then Jonathan said to David, “Go in peace, because we have sworn both of us in the name of the Lord, saying ‘The Lord shall be between me and you, and between my offspring and your offspring, forever.” And he rose and departed, and Jonathan went into the city.

1 Samuel 18:1-5, 20:31-34, 20:41-42

“The soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David.” David and Jonathan were soulmates. Jonathan sacrificed his own standing, his protection, his safety, his everything for David. What did David give up for Jonathan? I think David was so distraught and afraid that having the undying support from Jonathan gave him the courage to keep going. His own endurance and perseverance was the parallel response to Jonathan’s everything. They both gave their everything to what the relationship needed: Jonathan, his support and resources, and David, he fulfilling his calling. They needed each other void of guilt, obligation, tit for tat’s, comparison and jealousy.

These relationships of sacrificial love can seem so fairytale like in a world that encourages us to be self-reliant, self-seeking and legacy-building. When you look at Jonathan and David, they found their destiny through each other. Intimate relationships give our lives purpose. Jonathan found the boldness and courage to give up his place in the kingdom and gained the highest of integrity, good nights of sleep and a forever friendship. His son eventually sits at David’s table. David found the encouragement and support to keep on the scariest of paths and to go against the evil system and he gained a future no shepherd boy had ever imagined. On the outside, the friendship might seem unbalanced but for those who are in such a friendship, there’s no formula for the intimacy. It simply is that deep.

Prayer: God I pray that you would reveal the areas where I am led only by self-reliance, self-seeking and legacy-building. God I pray that you give me opportunities to love sacrificially. God I pray that you put more people like Jonathan’s and David’s in my life, and that I can be those for others.

Character: Examine a hard friendship. What are your expectations? What are you giving? What is the friendship based on?

Grace: Examine a friendship that’s been a gift. What are your expectations? What are you giving? What is the friendship based on?

CBG: #25

April 14, 2020 — Leave a comment

Then he said to me, “Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. Behold, they say, ‘Our bones are dried up, and our hope is lost; we are indeed cut off.’ Therefore, prophesy, and say to them, Thus says the Lord God: Behold, “I will open your graves and raise you from your graves, O my people. And I will put my Spirit within you, and you shall live, and I will place you in your own land. Then you shall know that I am the Lord; I have spoken, and I will do it, declares the Lord.

Ezekiel 37:11-14

What do we need of God’s promises? Renewal and restoration? To come up for breath from the exhaustion and the uncertainty. To feel the lightness of new mercies and bright morning hope. To see that rainbow over New York City and declare, that is for me as well. Intimacy? To release the heaviness of loneliness and a need for survival. To not fall prey to the lies that I can only do what I do with my gift of singleness so I guess I should be content…To still believe that being seen, understood and held are good, good desires. Belonging and purpose? To quiet the restlessness and stand confidently exactly where you are. To not feel like a waste of space because we are wrapped up in the world’s measurements. To know that what you do for the least of these, you do for God.

What part of your soul do you need God to prophesy over? What promises and reminders do your part of the world need? God has really promised. He proved it. He will not walk back on his words.

Prayer: God you have new mercies for me every minute. Help that truth to shape the way I am brave and generous to those around me. Help me to see your work all around me. Help me to extend new mercies to things and to people around me.

Creative: Write a bunch of lies and heavy things on paper and rip it up.

Brave: Live in your power.

Generous: Live out your abundance.

CBG: #15

April 4, 2020 — 1 Comment

The next day, as they were on their journey and approaching the city, Peter went up on the housetop about the sixth hour to pray. And he became hungry and wanted something to eat, but while they were preparing it, he fell into a trance and saw the heavens opened and something like a great sheet descending being let down by its four corners upon the earth. In it were all kinds of animals and reptiles and birds of the air. And there came a voice to him, “Rise, Peter, kill and eat.” But Peter said, “By no means, Lord; for I have never eating anything that is common or unclean.” And the voice came to him again a second time, “What God has made clean, do not call common.” This happened three times, and the thing was taken up at once to heaven.

Acts 10:9-16

Vegetarians and vegans, bye! And the rest of us, please do not eat bats! Okay, I’m kidding, and if you can’t handle some Bible humor, please take a breath and maybe start because the Bible is kind of hilarious. No, I don’t think the heart of this passage is about literally what we eat. However, it’s a great analogy because all of humanity understands this need.

Nor is this passage about throwing away former customs and cultures to fulfill whatever present need. It’s not about a blaise way of living that fits how you’re feeling in the moment. It’s about looking for patterns and affirmations from God, which requires asking and listening. The heart of the message happened three times. Did God really say that, again and again? It’s a reflection on what cultures and ideas we’ve held to for identity. Why have we held onto these ideas? Are they good? Are they necessary? Were they once good and necessary, and now no longer? It’s about adapting our way of living through an increased intimacy with God. It’s not changing God to fit our life; it’s understanding deeper the goodness and kindness and compassion and wideness of God, in order to live a fuller and freer life. Our lives should reflect inclusivity and flexibility, in all times, so that it points back to a God who has truly created us for such a moment as now to be of service and of calling.

Prayer: God show me the areas I can loosen up and receive more.

Creative: Listen to music that celebrates who you are.

Brave: Where have you not allowed yourself to celebrate? Celebrate!

Generous: Can you give an hour of your time to someone?

Sh*t Christians Don’t Say: Singles vs marrieds

June 29, 2019 — Leave a comment

Just kidding. The church LOVES talking about singles and marrieds. It’s both adored at the pulpit and anticipated in the audience. There’s this rush of hope every time that maybe this sermon would unlock and unravel the pain of waiting for singles, and root and make sense the never talked about pain of staying for marrieds. Yet no one really talks about the pain of waiting because we love focusing on how singleness is a gift and that the Lord can really use you specifically in this season. So we have a bunch of singles hurting inside lashing themselves with this holy waiting and trust. And no one talks about the real pain of marriage. Ya we talk about how it’s ultimate sanctification and how’s that’s the hardest BUT MOST BEAUTIFUL thing on earth, blah blah blah. But can we cut the glamorized version of difficult sanctification and get into the nitty ugly cave. Do we talk about falling out of love with your spouse? Do we talk about low grade amounts, and I dare you, overt abuse? Do we talk about how monogamy is not natural and how sometimes this fight seems too uphill? We don’t. We wrap obstacles in, we’re being sanctified.

The danger of never talking about these things is that when someone is in that position, the response is guilt and shame. If we are ever in a space that is not publicly discussed as normal, we feel abnormal when we experience these human tendencies. Shame is hiding because of a fear of losing worthiness. Shame is hiding because of a fear of judgment. Shame is hiding because a facade keeps others distant from your mess. Isn’t that what happened at the garden? We assumed God would lash at us so we hid and lied instead. I wonder if those peeps in Eden were outright about what they did, would they have been able to stay in the garden? God might have let them stay? The transgression wasn’t the issue? The hiding was? But the reality is, we are no longer in Eden and people are not lovely like God. When we are vulnerable people do cover us in judgment, create distance and make us feel less Christian or unwise/blind/foolish when we talk about said topics above. It’s a fucking catch-22. If you talk, you might get shamed. If you don’t talk, you are imprisoned by shame. How do we change the culture to merely listening and holding space, suspending your judgment and quickness to scripture showering?

But I think the deepest issue with this whole thing is singles v marrieds. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP DIVIDING PEOPLE IN THE CHURCH IN TWO CATEGORIES. Why do you do that?!! Why do you delineate people by relationship status? Inherent in that boxing is our huge human-created difference, there’s a type of crossing over, there’s us v them and they wouldn’t understand the struggle. Don’t act like after marriage, spouses don’t want to sleep with a hot emotionally available dude that walks by. Don’t act like singles cannot get deeply sanctified by close friends and roommates, FO SHO. When you say singleness is a gift, then proceed to spend 15 minutes chatting about the beauty of waiting….take a nice exhale, smile and then get into your inclusive circle tone of voice to talk to those who are married, it is obvious and weird. Stop taking a few verses in the Bible and elevating them into central to our faith structure — don’t we Christians love doing that with whatever scripture seems perfect for such a time as this. Why don’t we talk about things we as humans struggle with that cross all boundaries? Greediness. Jealousy. Greediness. Racism. Sexism. Misogyny. Defensiveness. Ego. Gossip wrapped in we should pray for her. Ego. Fucking ego. Why do we need pastors specifically for singles and marrieds? What qualifies one to know people in these categories better? I’m really asking. Do I go to one pastor if I’m thinking about masturbation and another pastor when I want to hoard my money? Stop drawing out details of my identity like they’re my defining trait. Stop making such a big deal about my status like that’s the reason I sin. I don’t always put God first because I’m human and selfish. My relationship status is not how primarily relate to people. We have created a culture of such connection like that in church. It’s incomplete and often damaging.

Stop putting people in boxes so it’s easier for you to manage and control. Stop defining people so you can quickly go to your prescription box of scriptures. See me as a complicated human. Show me the wisdom and faith and trust I too have the Spirit.