i feel vulnerable and naked when i talk about faith & god
like the utterance of god is immediately followed by a need to prove their existence
this pressure closes me up
does the opposite of what i hope
what if i cannot fail
what if risking is enough
what if pressure is an illusion
what i hope is that my presence mirrors the presence of god
that my steps and my words and my actions reflect a miracle of being
that was only possible by a love so grand and unexplainable
it transformed me into what i was made for
i continue to choose god
i lack proof
i lack evidence
i lack a satisfactory reason
yet this i know
god made me different
whole
open
hopeful
all things i felt were not a part of me when i felt apart from god
and so even when
these days i feel that my whole, my open, my hope
are fleeting and faint
and i stand a fraud
the risk is the still choosing
still believing
still expecting
i beg and i plea for god’s presence to wrap me again
god’s presence to stare right into my fears
to break my armor and my hold
to teach me once again the act of surrender and sacrifice
not from obligation but from a complete trust in abundance
to give is to believe i have enough, more than enough
to forgive is to believe i am you and you are me
to love is to believe it is the only way we will make it to tomorrow
Jesus
Good Friday: God gives up for us
Who has believed our message and to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed? He grew up before him like a tender shoot, and like a root out of dry ground. He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him. He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain. Like one from whom people hide their faces he was despised, and we held him in low esteem. Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to our own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all. He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before its shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth. By oppression and judgment he was taken away. Yet who of his generation protested? For he was cut off from the land of the living; for the transgression of my people he was punished. He was assigned a grave with the wicked, and with the rich in his death, though he had done no violence, nor was any deceit in his mouth. Yet it was the Lord’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer, and though the Lord makes his life an offering for sin, he will see his offspring and prolong his days, and the will of the Lord will prosper in his hand. After he has suffered, he will see the light of life and be satisfied; by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many, and he will bear their iniquities. Therefore I will give him a portion among the great, and he will divide the spoils with the strong, because he poured out his life unto death, and was numbered with the transgressors. For he bore the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors.
Isaiah 53
God offends all of us. To take this message as wholehearted truth — that God willingly died for us so we can be whole again — means we have to accept uncomfortable parts existing together. That we have wronged/wrong God. That God dwelled/dwells among us. That God willingly gave themselves up for us by enduring unjustifiable capital punishment. That we are why God had to die.
If I try to make sense of every detail in this story, my mind will explode. Maybe God’s ways cannot be contained by my human rationale. If I try to convince all of me to believe that Jesus literally died on the cross after being tortured in front of the people who said loved him, my body freezes up and my stomach churns. Maybe the depths of this pain and sorrow are too much for my already fragile body to accept, when I can look out my window and in the news the countless deaths that are taken unjustly. If I really believe that I am the reason why God had to die, I am stopped at my tracks. But not because of guilt. God died to demonstrate their love for me. God gives themselves up so I know I am not important. I want my being to understand the gravity of this infinite love.
I condemn torture and capital punishment, and I believe the Word of God does as well. It has been weaponized to destroy too many innocent lives, especially black lives, especially people of color and those deemed inferior under white supremacy and colonialism. To have God endure such physical and visceral pain is one way God demonstrates they know our pain. They have been through it as well. They have accepted it. They have been put on the witness stand to be stripped, whipped, defamed and crucified. God knows the pain of having their dignity stripped. God wears those scars on their body.
I choose to believe that God did walk on this earth and continues to dwell among us, and in us. I choose to believe this because I need to know that I am not alone. I need to know that there is not one thing I have or will go through that God cannot resonate with. I need to know that God is with us and for us. My clearest sense of this truth is with the story of Jesus. Jesus lived and grew up among us. Jesus was a poor refugee who had a day job as a carpenter. Jesus was a good friend. Jesus lived with purpose. Jesus loved the people society pushed aside. Jesus spoke most against greed and religiosity. Jesus was here to break the systemic structures that held a small group of people up and most people down. Jesus never forgot the goal and the why for existence. Jesus gave up everything for humans to experience God’s love and nearness. On Good Friday, Jesus said we are good enough, we are worthy, we are the goal. On Good Friday, Jesus was good, willing and vulnerable. On Good Friday, I remember that the depths of love are deeper and more unfathomable than what I could ever humanly imagine.
The Undeniable Pleasure of God’s Ways
That, however, is not the way of life you learned when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self; created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need.
Ephesians 4:20-28
It’s not enough to tell someone not to do something without giving them what to do. It’s not enticing enough to tell someone to let go of their former ways without presenting new ways that are magical and mindblowing. Without what’s possible and what’s waiting on the other side of no, we don’t have the fuel and hope to keep going when things get hard. Without the yes and renewal that are our greater possibilities, it feels like mere muscling and work to keep turning away from the former ways that make our minds smaller and our dreams dimmer. I need to be turning away INTO something that takes my focus and expands me. I want to be looking at, feeling, grasping the way of God that feels so much yummier than my old ways that force me to armor up, wall up and separate from others.
It is not enough to tell someone to be vulnerable, trust, feel safe, think of something greater. We must also make connection, community, unity, intimacy, hope, renewal, righteousness, the ways of God undeniable. The ways of God lead to a purpose that is beyond words. They lead to a peace that throws everyone off in times of suffering. They lead to a grounded place that is surrounded by shaky circumstances. The ways of God are possible and beautiful, and by the Spirit, we have access to these renewing, grounded, free ways of being. I pray that we stop doing the former ways because we can’t help but do the new ways. I pray for an opening of our hearts and our minds for a healing and a togetherness that are beyond anything we can make up in our minds. It has to be from God!
Breaking down the Wall
For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by setting aside in his flesh the law with its commands and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. For through him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit.
Ephesians 2:14-18
What is the dividing wall of hostility made of? The law with its commands and regulations. Where is the hostility destroyed? On the cross. The dividing wall of hostility isn’t just between us and God; it is here amongst humans. Jesus’ demonstration of love on the cross bridges the gap between us and God, and it should also reconnect us humans. Because of Jesus we have one Spirit. We are linked. We are interdependent. We no longer need to identify ourselves by our specific commands and regulations that separate rather than stabilize. Instead we are marked by this same sacrificial love, whether we actively believe it or not. Jesus’ love is for everyone, near and far, aware or yet to believe. For those of us who claim Jesus, we should be the best examples of the unity and reconciliation. We should not seek to separate what has already been brought together. We should not reemphasize commands and regulations when, we, of all people know that it is now the Spirit that we live with.
Can anyone spot you in the crowd if you weren’t allowed to blatantly identify as someone who believes in Jesus’ powerful reconciliation and love? Can people sense your truest belief that humanity is one? Can people see your active and tangible work to break down the wall of hostility and build others up in love and unity? Asking for a friend.
Alignment & Integrity
And God placed all things under [Christ’s] feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.
Ephesians 1:22-23
You ever turn your heard one way and leave your body facing another? There is strain not only in the neck; if you listen and quiet down enough, you’ll feel the tension and battle ripple through from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet. There is a sense of integrity that holds us up from the top of our spine which is at the center of our head to the bottom of our sits bones to the bottom of our feet. When we stand in that, our whole body relaxes into peace and purpose.
There is a vulnerability and attention required to face our bodies in the direction of our head & eyes. There is a surrender of areas our eyes and head are not facing and a trust that what we see in front and in our periphery are what we are supposed to be aware of right now. However if you stay attuned, your back isn’t just exposed and vulnerable — it too can sense and focus on a different level.
Jesus was human and the limitation of that is he could only be at one place a time, however he could have a constant ambient care for the world at large. But in each moment, he needed to honor what was in front of him and act accordingly. That was what was most useful for his audience in each given moment. That was what was most useful for the writers to string together his journey in the gospel: a step at a time, in the direction that was led by his head, God. The task for us is to have that same focus and faith to the things right in front of us, while holding ever so softly all the things that are happening around us. We do not exist in a vacuum. We are interdependent and constantly affecting each other. Can you find the integrity and alignment in your body so that it aligns with God’s kingdom and purpose that includes all of humanity?
Vigilance in Thanksgiving & Prayer
For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all God’s people, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him as his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also the one to come.
Ephesians 1:15-21
Are we so moved by the faith others have in God and their love for people that we are continually thankful for them and keep them in our prayers? I certainly catch myself skeptical that anyone has this faith and love. I stop myself because I’m so concerned with judging whether their faith is big enough and love for others obvious enough. I am guilty of this when I think of the Americans to tout Jesus name while storming the capitol during an insurrection. I am guilty of neglecting those who say they are Christians yet act in a way that doesn’t align with my beliefs. I want to block these people out on the basis that my reason for even thinking and praying for them does not exist. And I move on, and life goes on.
But what if? What if I hold the first part of this clause loosely and expand my awareness and heart to people who exclaim faith in God and people who love, with less judgment and more compassion, and shift to the prayer portion. What if instead of writing others off, I am vigilant about praying that wisdom and truth for all, including myself? What if I am vigilant with being thankful and staying in gratitude and service? What if I am vigilant about my OWN faith in God and my OWN love for God’s people, and praying for myself to grow in awareness, truth and wisdom? I think this place of non-judgment and expansion is the only healthy and potentially most effective/efficient way to spur action. Vigilance in prayer inevitably lead to action. Prayer is active. Prayer is shifting our hearts and the hearts of others so that we come into alignment with God’s purposes of unity and redemption.
My prayer is that we let go of our need to fix others, focus on how we can up our faith and love, and in turn inspire others to do the same through tangible demonstration.
Love is Offensive
In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us.
Ephesians 1:7-8
I used to so buy into this idea that Jesus’ blood washed away my sins. That through Jesus’ sacrifice, my transgressions are forgiven and my propensities to turn from God are not held against me. Thank you JESUS!
Many people I love find the above so offensive. The idea that we have sin makes them angry. The idea that God had to kill himself to redeem us is horrifying. The idea that I need someone to forgive my transgressions means there’s a “right way of being,” and who is to say what that is?
I haven’t swung so far to the other side that I have scraped Jesus’ blood and sin. I simply have more questions. How can the idea of sin be healthy and loving? How can the sacrifice of God lean more into the meaning than the actual act? How can a right way of being and living also have room for inclusion, diversity and tolerance?
What is sin? This is where I’ve landed so I feel integrity in my body and in what I believe God to be. Sin is a way of living that doesn’t honor our highest selves. I believe our highest selves is divine and in alignment with God. I believe our highest selves is attuned and in step with the Spirit of God in us. Anything outside of that divine integrity is sin. God created us with this wholeness, fullness, nakedness, full of purpose and connection. That was what was lost when sin entered. We are either moving towards our wholeness & divine connection, or moving away from it. The beauty is, each step allows for the pivot, the choice to move in the path towards connection.
Jesus’ death is offensive. Capital punishment and the death penalty are wrong, and often committed against innocent humans. Why would God use such a horrible image to showcase his love? Because death and love are but two sides of the same coin. LOVE is offensive. It requires a dying of self for another. It requires a dying of self-interest to include another. Often we love because we think we’ll be loved in return or it’s the right thing to do. While we may never take it all the way to the edge like Jesus did, his death was a kind of love that doesn’t ask for anything in return besides belief. I think Jesus’ willing death just so we can experience God doesn’t commute in our minds that have been knocked down by this cruel world. Jesus truly loves us that much, that it doesn’t quite make sense.
Nothing angers me more than Scriptures that are vehicles for intolerance, exclusion and hate. It is the OPPOSITE of God, God among us, God for us, God in us. The right way of living cannot be defined by any man in this world. The right way of living…I’m not sure. It’s a daily, moment-to-moment choosing. It does no harm, to self, others or God. It’s more colorful than we could ever imagine and full of healthy and freeing boundaries.
Citizens of Two Worlds
But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.
Philippians 3:20-21
We belong in heaven, not in the sense that we should be there, but that our home is already defined. We already belong and have a home where we are free, without having to further work for that. You don’t have to work for the citizenship; it’s given to you. There is no need for striving and evidence: you are a citizen of heaven.
However in the meantime, the other truth is that we are living on earth. If earth were not important and real, God would not have become human to walk amongst us. Our time on earth is that much more precious and beautiful. Jesus had 33 years on earth and he did not waste a moment. He didn’t take his time here for granted because he was living on purpose and from promise.
The pitfall of having citizenship in heaven is to neglect our time on earth. God has bestowed our truest identity and given us a sense of home so that when we are on earth, we can live out of that worth and not for worth. Nothing on earth will give us new worth; it’s been given, fully. If we can accept our fullness and beauty, how would we spend our time on earth differently? Look to Jesus — he didn’t hoard physical things and he respected the earth. How would we build relationships? Look to Jesus — he had strong intimate connections yet didn’t attach unhealthily and knew when we let go. How can we exemplify in the present our heavenly citizenship?
Be a Witness of Hope
Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, ‘Sit here while I go over there and pray.’ He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, ‘My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.’ Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, ‘My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.’ Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. ‘Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?’ he asked Peter. ‘Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.’ He went away a second time and prayed, ‘My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.’ When he came back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy. So he left them and went away once more and prayed the third time, saying the same thing. Then he returned to the disciples and said to them, ‘Are you still sleeping and resting? Look, the hour has come, and the Son of Man is delivered into the hands of sinners. Rise! Let us go! Here comes my betrayer!’
Matthew 26:36-46
The truth is always something that is told, not something that is known. If there were no speaking or writing, there would be no truth about anything. There would only be what is.
Susan Sontag
Jesus’ time at Gethsemane might be ‘the calm before the storm,’ the ‘storm’ being his torture & execution. While I think what is to come is horrible, this moment before is equally scary, maybe even more devastating. In this moment, Jesus is at the edge of a cliff, knowing he needs to jump but cannot even see the bottom. Jesus feels the depth of sorrow. Jesus feels the loneliness with his friends asleep. This task is for uniquely for him, and only he can fulfill it.
The gap between knowing what needs to be done and doing the thing reveals our fears and our faith. How do we get from our ego to a kind of living that thinks beyond ourselves which incorporates God’s will? How do we arrive at a place where our will aligns with God’s will, not out of obligation, but out of love and purpose? How can we act from a place of surrender & sorrow? How can we act from a place of service when what we witness breaks our hearts? How can we become witnesses of surrender & a will greater than ourselves?
Bring your defeats, your doubts and fears to God. Be radically honest. I pray God honors your honesty with radical trust. Live out of that radical trust that you have a great purpose. When you can sense and see the sorrow of this world, yet choose to go on, you are a witness of hope.
Dream Away
And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, ‘If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.’ Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from suffering. At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, ‘Who touched my clothes?’ ‘You see people crowding against you,’ his disciples answered, ‘and yet you can ask, ‘Who touched me?” But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. He said to her, ‘Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.’
Mark 5:25-34
Focus more on your desire than on your doubt, and the dream will take care of itself.
Mark Twain
This passage is short. It can be easy to dismiss it quickly as just another miracle of Jesus. However if we step into this woman’s life and really see the impact of her actions, we would see how this woman led her life with hope. This woman had spent over a decade in pain. She spent over a decade looking for solutions, that all failed, that made her situation worse. She spent over a decade in isolation because in Jewish culture, bleeding woman had to be separated because they were considered dirty. She spent over a decade being identified as dirty, diseased, incurable, sick…Those are probably the kinder words used to describe her. If anyone should have given hope it should have been her. If anyone should say FUCK YOU WORLD, it should have been her. Yet her desire to be healed, her dream of being healed stayed in her all these years and she continued to follow that impulse. Some days maybe it was a flicker. Some days maybe it was a beaming light. Some days maybe the hope seemed to disappear. Yet when Jesus, potentially another ‘faith healer’, another dude who said, ‘I’m different, trust me, I can make your life different’, came to town, she went. She leapt and lead with her hope. It wasn’t even in spite of doubt. It was in spite of years of tangible proof of failure and zero results. But still she chose her dream over her doubt. She chose to believe in hope.
Someone who has been through the trenches and still leads in hope is outrageous to the world. This woman was outrageous in her dreams. She didn’t give a F about how people were going to see her. She came out into public and revealed herself, broke the “traditions” of isolation. She exposed herself. She shared her pain and need before the public that probably judged her prior and still in that moment. When Jesus asked, she spilled out her truth because she could not deny that she was living in a miracle. This woman was double healed. There is the healing and a double portion when she shared it. Her healing and power, and place in history were secure when she boldly admitted to her story.
I pray that we lead with hope, even when it feels outrageous. I pray that we feed out dreams and desires, the parts of us that bring pleasure and joy. I pray that we own our stories of pain and healing. I pray that when we see the power of God, we jump at it, to grab a piece for ourselves because it will only make our stories that much more miraculous and impactful for others watching & listening.
Are you there God? 