psalms

Blessed in the Mess

October 8, 2020 — Leave a comment

My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death have fallen on me. Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me. I said, ‘Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest. I would flee far away and stay in the desert; I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm.’
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As for me, I call to God, and the Lord saves me. Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice. He rescues me unharmed from the battle waged against me, even though many oppose me. God, who is enthroned from of old, who does not change — he will hear them and humble them, because they have no fear of God.
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Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken. But you, God, will bring down the wicked into the pit of decay; the bloodthirsty and deceitful will not live out half their days. But as for me, I trust in you.

Psalm 55

Exhaustion brews in the air. Dreaming of escaping the exhaustion takes even more work. How can I rest right here? How can I rest in the midst of my heart feeling anguish? How can I rest in the center of fear and trembling?

Try not to run away. Try not to flee. Cry out, yes, but escape, no. Cry out every hour. Cast the burdens. Cast the fears. Cast the things you care about down. Those are weighing you down. Those are holding you back. Those are trapping you in the exhaustion and the circumstances.

You will not be shaken even as the waves come crashing near. You will make it even when it feels like your legs might give way. You will be carried because that is the kind of God that is looking after us. God is unchanging even as we storm in with all our mess. He takes that mess and shows us how we can be blessed.

Brokenhearted Life

October 1, 2020 — Leave a comment

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken.

Psalm 34:18-20

Who needs a break from life? Who feels boxed in? Bruised? Out of breath? Who feels like the tenderness in their heart feels too much? That you’re ready to make it hard.

It may feel broken, but aren’t you standing? Maybe actually you’re stronger than you know. You may feel crushed and tested, but didn’t you make it through yesterday? Maybe you’re actually more rooted than you believe. You may feel surrounded by troubles, but haven’t you always lived a life of troubles yet here you are. Maybe you were created to handle the storms and winds.

A brokenness feeling is equal to a closeness to God. God knows hurt and sorrow and unmet want. What do you need from this closeness of God? What do you need to be reminded of? Where do you need God to lay their hand? For a moment of slowing down, awareness and holding you up.

Be gentle with yourself. You are strong. You are alive and that is your gift to this world.

My fellow sinners & mockers

September 18, 2020 — Leave a comment

Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither — whatever they do prospers. Not so the wicked! They are like chaff that the wind blows away. Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous. For the Lord watches over the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked leads to destruction.

Psalm 1

Some of these TikTok stars will stay; many will fade away as the trend shifts to another platform of #hashtag #viral sensation. Some who have thrown up black squares and #BLM have forever shifted their lives for the cause; many will go back into daily life hoping they won’t be called out for any deep seated microaggressions. Who becomes like a John Lewis or a Gloria Steinem? Who becomes rooted in the work till death at 100 like Grace Lee Boggs? How does one become committed to their purpose and stay the course regardless of the fading trends and crashing waves?

Our roots grow depending on what we feed them. Are we feeding our souls with words and company that prune, uproot, disrupt the bad to make room for the better? Are we meditating on truths that make us feel more grounded and whole? Are we set on the long game, trusting that fruit WILL SHOW UP, if we stay in the game? When we are set on the presence and purpose of God for our lives, we will prosper. Yet be careful of how you measure prosper. To prosper is to have an abundance of enoughness & peace.

We sin when we are so keen on our own ways regardless of what the voice of God urges for our good. We all sin because being rooted and patient are hard to do. We sin when we deny that God has our best interest. We all sin. We mock when we are skeptical of the good and the hopeful. We mock when we let our own bitterness and pain get in the way of experiencing renewal and refreshment. We mock because it feels safer than opening our hearts up again. We all mock.

I hope that even as we see our propensity we can also keep in mind the possibility and beauty of being people who are planted with purpose. I hope that the latter curbs the propensity so that we all create new patterns to slow down, desire for big things and seek a life for the long game. I pray that closets and closed doors open up for the healing of God and for the goodness of his voice. I pray that even if/when we see the wickedness in us, it only points to the possibility of being something other.

Night Time Routine

September 13, 2020 — Leave a comment

Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God.
Give me relief from distress; have mercy on me and hear my prayer.
How long will you people turn my glory into shame?
How long will you love delusions and seek false gods?
Know that the Lord has set apart his faithful servant for himself; the Lord hears when I call to him.
Tremble and do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent.
Offer the sacrifices of the righteous and trust in the Lord.
Many, Lord, are asking, ‘Who will bring us prosperity?’ Let the light of your face shine on us.
Fill my heart with joy when their grain and new wine abound.
In peace I will die down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.

Psalm 4

Who can have a good night’s rest these days when our days are filled with so much unprocessed, unfinished and unanswered? Yet what good does bringing distress into rest do but make the next day even worst. How can we trust enough to let our bodies and minds rest for a night? How can we quiet our anxious hearts for a deep peaceful sleep?

Search your hearts.
Surrender all the feels, the worries & fears to God for safe keeping, just for the night. Don’t worry, they may very well still be there the next morning.
Breathe in the mercy of God.
Breathe out the shortcomings of the day.
Breathe in your set apart-ness, made for a purpose, nature.
Breathe out the comparisons.
Tomorrow, the light will shine upon your face.
Tomorrow will be new.
Amen.

Into the Well of anger

September 3, 2020 — Leave a comment

My God, whom I praise, do not remain silent,
for people who are wicked and deceitful have opened their mouths against me; they have spoken against me with lying tongues.
With words of hatred they surround me; they attack me without cause.
In return for my friendship they accuse me, but I am a man of prayer.
They repay me evil for good, and hatred for my friendship.
Appoint someone evil to oppose my enemy; let an accuser stand at his right hand.
When he is tried, let him be found guilty, and may his prayers condemn him.
May his days be few; may another take his place of leadership.
May his children be fatherless and his wife a widow.
May his children be wandering beggars; may they be driven from their ruined homes.
May a creditor seize all he has; may strangers plunder the fruits of his labor.
May no one extend kindness to him or take pity on his fatherless children.
May his descendants be cut off, their names blotted out from the next generation.
May the iniquity of his fathers be remembered before the Lord; may the sin of his mother never be blotted out.
May their sins always remain before the Lord, that he may blot out their name from the earth.
For he never thought of doing a kindness, but hounded to death the poor and the needy and the brokenhearted.
He loved to pronounce a curse — may it come back on him. He found no pleasure in blessing — may it be far from him.
He wore cursing as his garment; it entered into his body like water, into his bones like oil.
May it be like a cloak wrapped about him, like a belt tied forever around him.
May this be the Lord’s payment to my accusers, to those who speak evil of me.
But you, Sovereign Lord, help me for your name’s sake; out of the goodness of your love, deliver me.
For I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me.
I fade away like an evening shadow; I am shaken off like a locust.
My knees give way from fasting; my body is thin and gaunt.
I am an object of scorn to my accusers; when they see me, they shake their heads.
Help me, Lord my God; save me according to your unfailing love.
Let them know that it is your hand, that you, Lord, have done it.
While they curse, may you bless; may those who attack me be put to shame, but may your servant rejoice.
May my accusers be clothed with disgrace and wrapped in shame as in a cloak.
With my mouth I will greatly extol the Lord; in the great throng of worshipers I will praise him.
For he stands at the right hand of the needy, to save their lives from those who would condemn them.

Psalm 109

If you dare to press into the anger, accept and embrace the thoughts that scare you, reveal the venom and bitterness that are living in your chest in a pressure cooker, you may eventually get exhausted, untethered and exposed enough to come before God ready to be a source of healing.

The anger is the armor that needs to be embraced for its protection then slowly broken through.

The anger is as much truth as the truth that God is at the center capable and ready to take it on.

The anger is the layer of reality that reminds you that things are not as they should be.

It takes courage and faith to press into anger, press so deep that it presses into vulnerability. Under the anger is a softness that’s been protected by survival tactics. Under the anger is the innocence that once was and can be with the hope of God.

The goal of the anger is to become comfortable with the wounded and dependent heart, which abide in each of us. God can use that heart. God finds power in that heart. With that heart and surrender, God has the room to show their blessing & worship.

CBG: Reflection

June 7, 2020 — Leave a comment

Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness! You have given me relief when I was in distress. Be gracious to me and hear my prayer!
O men, how long shall my honor be turned into shame? How long will you love vain words and seek after lies?
But know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself; the Lord hears when I call to him.
Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent.
Offer right sacrifices, and put your trust in the Lord.
There are many who say, “Who will show us some good? Lift up the light of your face upon us, O Lord!”
You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound.
In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

Psalm 4

Prayer: Quiet my body, my heart, my mind and my soul to feel the safety and peace you promise. Help me to feel without entering into shame. Help me to listen without judgment. Help me to soften and surrender in the midst of chaos and the cacophony of voices.

  1. As you read this passage, what cry resonates with you?
  2. How has shame manifested this week?
  3. How has anger played itself out this week?
  4. What sacrifices have you offered this week?
  5. Where have you felt safety this week?

CBG: Peace

May 21, 2020 — Leave a comment

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling.
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy habitation of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns.
The nations rage, the kingdoms totter; he utters his voice, the earth melts.
The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Come, behold the works of the Lord, how he has brought desolation on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the end of the earth; he breaks the bow and shatters the spear; he burns the chariots with fire.
Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!
The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Psalm 46

What do you hold onto when the foundations you’ve set your feet on fall away? Your security and your safety net, if you were ever lucky enough to have one, show themselves to not be stable after all. Where do you look when all you’ve worked towards is thrown into emptiness? Your achievements and your diligence are unprepared for new obstacles. When you thought you had done enough and gotten on top of your circumstances, exhaustion creeps in. How will you make it to the morning?

Peace is the anchoring into what hasn’t been been shaken and what hasn’t been defeated. Peace is making room for God’s presence when everything around you is telling you to close up shop and protect. Peace is looking at everything coming at you while focusing on the fortress of your character and God that exist in between. Peace is hearing the noise and shouts yet recalibrating the breath to a 4 count inhale, 4 count exhale. Peace is seeing all that seems against us with compassion. Peace is silent during the good times and loud during the hard times. Peace is a practice of presence. Peace is a muscle of response rather than one of reaction. Peace is a choice to surrender control.

Prayer: God I pray that you will reveal where I am placing my trust. Teach me how to breathe in a manner that quiets me and those in my presence. Teach me to pause before reacting out of anger or hurt. Teach me to see attacks and attackers with compassion.

Character: Where am I choosing to fight by ignoring the bigger scene and narrative?

Grace: How can I make room for moments of presence today?

CBG: Restoration

May 10, 2020 — Leave a comment

Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin!
For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment.
Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me.
Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities.
Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit.
Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you.
Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, O God of my salvation, and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise.
For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I will give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
Do good to Zion in your good pleasure; build up the walls of Jerusalem; then will you delight in right sacrifices, in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings; then bulls will be offered on your altar.

Psalm 51

You can only live in this verse if you trust in God’s compassionate presence and recognize your own transgressions. What God desires is a humbled heart that is brave enough to see oneself and desire and believe in an imminent newness. Refreshment and restoration with God are prerequisites to restoration in our relationships, actions, self-image, speech and purpose. Seek God first and everything else will fall into place. Will you give yourself a moment now to do that?

  1. How was this week hard?
  2. How was this week clarifying?
  3. What relationships were tested this week?
  4. What relationships gave you hope?
  5. What did you discover about God’s character?

CBG: Reflection

April 19, 2020 — 1 Comment

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.
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Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous ways in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 139: 1-5, 23-24

Self-reflection and quiet meditation to hear God’s voice are courageous acts. It requires surrender. It acknowledges that you don’t have the full picture. It allows another to reflect who you are. When we have the right God — one who is kind, compassionate and ever-for-our-good — we learn to trust being seen. And if we are in consistent practice with God, it will overflow to our trust in being seen by humans. Take some time. Sit with the questions. And whatever form responses come is perfect.

  1. How have you been brave?
  2. Where has fear dictated how you acted?
  3. Who are you when you are quiet?
  4. Who do you want to become?
  5. What questions do you have for God?
  6. How do you want God to respond?

CBG: #17

April 6, 2020 — Leave a comment

When the Jews, who were with her in the house, consoling her, saw Mary rise quickly and go out, they followed her, supposing that she was going to the tomb to weep there. Now when Mary came to where Jesus was and saw him, he fell at his feet, saying to him, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled. And he said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord, come and see.” Jesus wept. So the Jews said, “See, how he loved him!” But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man also have kept this man from dying?” Then Jesus, deeply moved again, came to the tomb. It was a cave, and a stone lay against it. Jesus said, “Take away the stone.”

John 11:31-39

Mary cried because her brother died. Mary cried because she imagined what could have happened if Jesus arrived in time. Mary cried seeing Jesus cried. And Mary probably cried when the impossible happened, a miracle that was beyond her imagination. Where are you in this crying timeline? Are you crying seeing the reality of death and pain? Are you crying replaying what could’ve happened, what we could’ve done, why God is allowing this? Are you crying because you know God is crying and heartbroken? Are you crying because you’re experiencing unexpected joys that you knew you could not have if you were not in this situation? In a day, my reason for crying shifts. I’m sad. And on top of that, I had felt so guilty for being so sad: bursting into tears over an article, over a soul-wrenching song that has nothing to do with current events, receiving a text where I feel misunderstood, the list goes on. I need not justify why I am sad. I am sad because of the reality, because of our need for God, because I know God doesn’t want this either, because I’m hopeful for what will happen and have experienced the sparks of hope. We are sad. It’s okay.

Prayer: You bottle all my tears. You bottle all my tears. You make me soft through heartbreak. You make me strong with your hope. Help me release any guilt for knowing how things ought to be and what your heart desires, and therefore am really fucking sad right now. Help me to not wallow in sad, but accept and engage it so to move.

Creative: Listen to the rain.

Brave: Forgiveness.

Generous: What’s something you’ve wanted to do to serve, but have made excuses in the past?