sensitivity

Lent 2022: Under the Banner of Annoyance

March 6, 2022 — 1 Comment

I came home after a 16 mile run and I’m running behind to go to church service. The last thing I want to find is an occupied bathroom, and worst a roommate who takes his sweet time in it. I’m seething in my spirit, aching in my body, and positive he’s taking longer because he knows I need the restroom.

^^What do I gain by thinking that his bathroom usage was a personal affront to me? What do I gain by thinking that folks are not mindful? What do I gain by thinking the world is out to get me?

It gives me permission to be PISSED. It gives me permission to not be as kind as I should be. It gives me permission to armor up and fight the next person who looks at me wrong.

I am highly sensitive and I get irritated so easily. Because under my quickness to get annoyed is my grip on control — things need to be according to MY timeline, people need to act according to how I THINK, in my brain.

I wish I could say, now that I know, now that I’ve verbalized my flaw, I am ready to let go and surrender. Quite the opposite, now that I know, I feel myself doubling down on my need to control and my fear of surrender. I’m afraid that when I let go, I won’t be able to put the lid back on. I’m afraid that if I surrender my agenda, and the story that the world is against me, I’ll need to show up even more. When you show up more, you risk getting hurt more… but you also risk more joy and discovery.

I think I loved the pandemic emotions because I was allowed to be sad and scared without having to explain myself. I mean, look outside. But now that the pandemic is falling to the background and the world is opening up again, I see myself putting on the mask of happy and gratitude, when I’m just desperate to be sad and be disappointed. I believe you can be sad and disappointed without self-pity, and I want to be that, without having to explain myself, without having to first give a disclaimer of joy.

I love my sadness and fear because I’m sensitive and vulnerable and easily affected by the feels of the world. Now I want to be comfortable to exist in that without the gearing up to fend off people that want to fix me or make me feel better. I want to be confident enough in myself that how you see me isn’t as important as me living honestly.

Soften Our Hearts

February 15, 2021 — Leave a comment

From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work. So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, and they are full of greed.

Ephesians 4:16-19

When I think of a hardened heart, I think of the Pharaoh that refused to let the Israelites go even though there was sign after sign of God’s power. The Pharaoh insisted on his oppressive ways and his ego, rather than the safety of his own people and the well-being of those he held captive. I always tripped up over the part where it says God hardened the Pharaoh’s heart, so wasn’t it God’s fault that the Israelites were held captive because God was the puppet master behind Egypt’s cruel systems? God allowed for the Pharaoh’s heart to be hard and allowed for Moses to have the power and might to lead the Israelites into freedom. God can allow for both sides — the cruelty and imperfection of the world and God’s redemption and grace. What the Pharaoh demonstrated is a harm and ignorance that comes out of a hardened heart and unwillingness to take in what is happening which leads to an inability to change.

Sometimes life darkens our thoughts and perspectives so much that we cannot see the grace of God or how God can take this current situation and bring out good. Life can be cruel. Life often is cruel. And over time, this can actually desensitize us, moving us from feeling the pain to feeling that pain is simply reality. This can either happen when we put up walls to not have to feel the world so much. This can happen when we take active steps to disconnect from the world and pain: addictions, unhealthy codependence, survival tactics. When we disconnect from the heartache of the world and the reality that things in this world are not right, we also disconnect from God’s grace and redemption. You need both. They are two sides of the same circumstance. Grief makes room for joy. Incompletion makes room for unity. Longing makes room for fulfillment.

Without this recognition that there is a God that is good, that is on your side, that is looking out for you, that will pull you through, (unsure how), we can seek after other things that do more harm. We can fill up with these things that don’t fully satisfy yet keep returning for more hits. We can have so much, yet feel empty.

Acknowledge the heartache and set backs. Acknowledge the anger and injustice. Acknowledge that you have desires and longings that are not fulfilled. It takes faith and courage to acknowledge and be vulnerable to our humanity. Here, God can do his magic. Here, God can rain down his grace and reminders. Here, God can show you a way that requires patience and faith and a greater purpose that satisfies and connects you with the whole.