vulnerability

Hide & Seek

September 20, 2020 — Leave a comment

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden and in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, ‘Where are you?’

Genesis 3:6-9

What makes me so sad in this passage is the need to cover up exposure and nakedness. Wisdom robs us of an innocence that allows us to be free and naked, unafraid to trot as we are with everything we have out there. Wisdom somehow made our nakedness and another’s nakedness something that was not appropriate for the public. Somewhere between innocence and wisdom, shame snuck in. And I hate shame.

The shame that causes us to hide from each other. The shame that causes us to hide from God. The shame that causes us to hide from ourselves. Shame put barriers between us and other, us and God and within ourselves. Because this shame can be planted in us so early, it’s hard to know what life feels like without it. What does life feel like without shame? What will it take to reclaim a sense of innocence and openness? What “wisdom” is helpful and gives us a way to draw boundaries and separate from that which is evil? But what “wisdom” only seeks to separate and cover up because it gives you an impression of “safety” even if underneath that is shutting in/shutting down? I hope we can hold to wisdom without anger and guilt because truth is we are post-Garden of Eden and we have access to wisdom now. So while you hold to your wisdom, how can you also find the early seeds of innocence that allowed you to be open, to trust, to feel so connected to another, you didn’t ever need to hide or curate?

Imogen Heap – Hide & Seek: Isn’t that our life anthem? Can we shift to more of a Keala Seattle – This is Me soundtrack?

Unmasking with Friends

September 15, 2020 — Leave a comment

Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth.
Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; someone else, and not your own lips.
Stone is heavy and sand a burden, but provocation by a fool is heavier than both.
Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?
Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
He who is full loathes honey, but to the hungry even what is bitter tastes sweet.
Like a bird that strays from its nest is a man who strays from his home.
Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel.
Do not forsake your friend and the friend of your father, and do not go to your brother’s house when disaster strikes you — better a neighbor nearby than a brother far away.
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Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.

Proverbs 27:1-10, 17

There is nothing like crisis or the stripping away of routines & busyness to examine the health of our lives. We examine by looking truthfully at our relationships. Our relationships reflect what we care about, how we handle community and how we grow, and don’t grow. Every relationship is a mirror of us. Why are you connected to this person? Why are you still connected to this person? How do you care for this person? How does this person care for you?

This time is hard not being able to meet up with friends with the same ease and convenience like we once experienced. Even in those few times I do get to see my friends, it either feels heavier or so precious that after separation I sit with a depression hangover. I pray that still we push through and fight for those precious moments, and be honest with each other. There is little room and energy to keep being armored and masked. The world has stripped us of that so can we do that in our relationships. Can we be vulnerable and kind and honest? Can we truly, truly desire the good of those we love by showing up fully and showing up fully for them? Iron sharpens iron. This moment feels like a deep sharpening and that is painful. May we in this process experience the deep intimate love of true relationships.

The Testing of Friendships

September 7, 2020 — Leave a comment

When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, ‘Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?’ ‘Yes, Lord,’ he said, ‘you know that I love you.’ Jesus said, ‘Feed my lambs.’ Again Jesus said, ‘Simon son of John, do you love me?’ He answered, ‘Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.’ Jesus said, ‘Take care of my sheep.’ The third time he said to him, ‘Simon son of John, do you love me?’ Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, ‘Do you love me?’ He said, ‘Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.’

John 21: 15-17

It doesn’t feel good either to be the recipient or the reason for a broken relationship. A bad conversation. A surprising revelation of one’s character. Two life paths diverge because of exhaustion, unresolved resentment or lack of interest. Relationships build us up and tear us down, and we want the kind that tear down our walls, not our worth.

How often are we like Jesus, the one who was rejected and abandoned, yet also the one who later seeks out reconciliation? How often are we like Peter, set on our timeline of forgiveness and reconciliation and hurt when it doesn’t go as planned?

True friendships are difficult. The ones built to last go through fires, fights and forgiveness. It requires courage and humility to be the first to approach even when you have been wronged. It requires vulnerability to outwardly ask for care and respond with care. The journey of moving through different seasons of relationships often contain hurt, pain, repetition and uncomfortable intimacy. True friendships are worth it because as messy as the relationship between Jesus and Peter is, they exist when two people with the same mission towards humanity find each other. That is rare and testing in these scenarios can only survive if the calling and purpose remain at the core.

If you didn’t hold so dearly to your pride and ego, who would you reach out to? If you didn’t worry so much about your reputation or the sunk cost of friendship building, who would you let go? If you think about your deepest purposes in life, who do you feel safe to share those deepest secrets?

Into the Well of anger

September 3, 2020 — Leave a comment

My God, whom I praise, do not remain silent,
for people who are wicked and deceitful have opened their mouths against me; they have spoken against me with lying tongues.
With words of hatred they surround me; they attack me without cause.
In return for my friendship they accuse me, but I am a man of prayer.
They repay me evil for good, and hatred for my friendship.
Appoint someone evil to oppose my enemy; let an accuser stand at his right hand.
When he is tried, let him be found guilty, and may his prayers condemn him.
May his days be few; may another take his place of leadership.
May his children be fatherless and his wife a widow.
May his children be wandering beggars; may they be driven from their ruined homes.
May a creditor seize all he has; may strangers plunder the fruits of his labor.
May no one extend kindness to him or take pity on his fatherless children.
May his descendants be cut off, their names blotted out from the next generation.
May the iniquity of his fathers be remembered before the Lord; may the sin of his mother never be blotted out.
May their sins always remain before the Lord, that he may blot out their name from the earth.
For he never thought of doing a kindness, but hounded to death the poor and the needy and the brokenhearted.
He loved to pronounce a curse — may it come back on him. He found no pleasure in blessing — may it be far from him.
He wore cursing as his garment; it entered into his body like water, into his bones like oil.
May it be like a cloak wrapped about him, like a belt tied forever around him.
May this be the Lord’s payment to my accusers, to those who speak evil of me.
But you, Sovereign Lord, help me for your name’s sake; out of the goodness of your love, deliver me.
For I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me.
I fade away like an evening shadow; I am shaken off like a locust.
My knees give way from fasting; my body is thin and gaunt.
I am an object of scorn to my accusers; when they see me, they shake their heads.
Help me, Lord my God; save me according to your unfailing love.
Let them know that it is your hand, that you, Lord, have done it.
While they curse, may you bless; may those who attack me be put to shame, but may your servant rejoice.
May my accusers be clothed with disgrace and wrapped in shame as in a cloak.
With my mouth I will greatly extol the Lord; in the great throng of worshipers I will praise him.
For he stands at the right hand of the needy, to save their lives from those who would condemn them.

Psalm 109

If you dare to press into the anger, accept and embrace the thoughts that scare you, reveal the venom and bitterness that are living in your chest in a pressure cooker, you may eventually get exhausted, untethered and exposed enough to come before God ready to be a source of healing.

The anger is the armor that needs to be embraced for its protection then slowly broken through.

The anger is as much truth as the truth that God is at the center capable and ready to take it on.

The anger is the layer of reality that reminds you that things are not as they should be.

It takes courage and faith to press into anger, press so deep that it presses into vulnerability. Under the anger is a softness that’s been protected by survival tactics. Under the anger is the innocence that once was and can be with the hope of God.

The goal of the anger is to become comfortable with the wounded and dependent heart, which abide in each of us. God can use that heart. God finds power in that heart. With that heart and surrender, God has the room to show their blessing & worship.

CBG: 100

July 1, 2020 — Leave a comment

100 posts. What started out as a project for my friend and I became a tracker of my emotions, longings and conversations with God. I gave myself permission to question and to doubt. I let myself be angry and sad, while in the Word. My honesty and my learning are welcomed in the presence of God. How I feel on 3/25 can evolve on 5/25; dear God I hope it will always! While I don’t come to the end of this journey with a burning desire to start my mornings with the Bible and in prayer, I have learned the following.

  1. I don’t need to prove my faith to anyone. God is my judge, and for that I will answer to God when it is my day.
  2. Writing different devotionals on the same verses showed me the power of God to speak beyond words. The Word evolves to translate God’s intimacy and nearness. That is usually what I need to grow and to take action.
  3. God’s Word is active as in it must lead to self-reflection and action, and more often than not, change. This is spiritual conviction — a self-growth rooted in being loved and is demonstrated as outward action for others.

Thoughts as I take the next however long to process:

  • Who have we allowed and not allowed to interpret and teach the Word, and how does this play into greater separation from God?
  • Why do certain populations (which ones) shy away from the Word in times of suffering and pain? How is this related to our current gatekeepers for preaching and teaching?
  • How does our onset insistence on right theology actually prevent the curiosity and safety to get to that same theology?

Because of God, even when I feel alone, I have faith that it might be different in the next minute. Because of God, I have dreams to make this world better. Because of God, I have been freed from generational prisons. Because of God, I know a love that keeps me going when the world falls apart. This is the God I love and I want others to experience. This is my purpose.

CBG: Leadership

June 20, 2020 — Leave a comment

When [Jesus] had washed their feet and put on his outer garments and resumed his place, he said to them, “Do you understand what I have done to you? You call me Teacher and Lord, and you are right, for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you. Truly, truly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them. I am not speaking of all of you; I know whom I have chosen. But the Scripture will be fulfilled, ‘He who ate my bread has lifted his heel against me.’ I am telling you this now, before it takes place, that when it does take place you may believe that I am he. Truly, truly I say to you, whoever receives the one I send receives me, and whoever receives me receives the one who sent me.”

John 13:12-20

What do Jesus, James Baldwin, Laverne Cox and Brene Brown have in common?

They lead by example. They lead from self-examination and self-responsibility. They lead from seeing their own souls first. They are bold in getting messy. They are brave in saying where there needs growth in themselves because in talking about themselves, I recognize it in me. They hold themselves to the same standards they hold us. When I listen or read their words, I am convicted and challenged how I can receive as they have been convicted and challenged how they have can receive. I thank them for their example. I thank them for their pure authenticity and honesty. I thank them for expecting the impossible from us. I thank them for desiring all of us to experience a wholeness that we were made for. I thank them for showing us the way to freedom by being the freest people. Happy Juneteenth.

Prayer: God I want to lead from vulnerability and self-examination. God I want to lead from seeing myself clearly and seeing the fullness of others.

From what wounds and pains can I lead from?

CBG: Draw Near

June 18, 2020 — Leave a comment

Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Hebrews 4:12-16

We are encouraged to draw near to God, with confidence, in order to confess our weaknesses, our temptations and our needs. We are encouraged to hold fast to our confession, to always be self-critical of ourselves, but in the presence of God, before the throne of grace. If we are self-critical apart from the presence of grace, we won’t receive the mercy for ourselves or the grace to help others. We cannot be self-critical apart from the unending grace of God that says, still we are worthy, still we are clean, especially in our vulnerable confession. We cannot be of service without this openness and vulnerability. Because otherwise we might become bitter or self-loathing. It is at the place of experiencing mercy for ourselves that we can approach others not to help but to draw them to the throne of grace where there they will receive help just as we have. Our vulnerable and humble approach, at the feet of the throne, is the best position for us to extend to others who are also in need.

I have been very self-critical, bordering self-loathing. I had let myself go down rabbit holes of loneliness, inadequacy and triviality. My unhealthy thoughts and self-pity made me shrink and sleep more so I had fewer waking hours to face. Then I approached the Lord and I was healed. No, silly. I didn’t want to approach the Lord, or I thought I had been, but nothing was changing, so that made me weary. I had to keep approaching the throne of grace and keep confessing. This wasn’t a one time kind of confessing and a one time kind of mercy-gift that took all the pain away. I am still in the process of vulnerability and confession while also speaking over myself the promises of God, of all the things s/he says I am. I am worthy. I am enough. I am a daughter. I am a beloved child of God. I am an instrument. I am good. It’s in the midst of these I AM that I can also say all the things I am afraid to admit to anyone but God. My confessions in the presence of I AM leads to a quiet strength to go another day.

Prayer: God help me to hold my worth, my vulnerability and my responsibility all before you.

What would give you the confidence to approach the throne of grace?

CBG: Vulnerability

May 5, 2020 — Leave a comment

O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!
You have set your glory above the heavens.
Out of the mouth of babies and infants, you have established strength because of your foes, to still the enemy and the avenger.
When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?
Yet you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings, and crowned him with glory and honor.
You have given him dominion over the works of your hands; you have put all things under his feet, all sheep and oxen, and also the beasts of the field, the birds of the heavens, and the fish of the seas, whatever passes along the paths of the seas.
O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!

Psalm 8

It takes a minute to receive a passage like the one above. If you are in a state of irritation, annoyance, anger, frustration, Psalm 8 feels trite. A lot of passages about God’s goodness and glory feel inappropriate according to our present attitudes. Within irritation, annoyance, anger and frustration is a sense of injustice that can armor us up. It is a tightening for safety. It is a pointing outward at all that is out of line and wrong. You have the right to do that. No one can deny your experience. No one can urge you to be soft when you feel slighted and scared and forgotten. I only ask, does the hardening harm you or help you? Is a softening more work or less work? What are you protecting when you harden? What and who are you forgiving when you soften? What will it take for you to feel vindicated? What needs to break for you to heal?

Psalms like the above can only enter through a porous vulnerability. Vulnerability is a conversation between protection and surrender, the risks and the gains. Vulnerability is a rebalancing of trust between that which we have given to humans and that which we give to God. Psalms of God’s goodness and love for us hold their weight most in our surrender. This life is an asymptote to that surrender, so have much grace when you’re not there yet have much hope that you are ever approaching that openness.

Prayer: When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him? When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him? When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?

Character: Where are you hard?

Grace: Where has Jesus demonstrated his redemption in the midst of that specific hardness?

CBG: Sacrificial Love

May 4, 2020 — Leave a comment

Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with out hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

Hebrews 10:19-25

What an elaboration of the summation verse from 1 Corinthians 13, And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.

Why is the blood of Jesus and his flesh necessary for us to enter the holy places? What is the holy places? As a humanity, we too, need a human manifestation to viscerally and holistically know and experience God. That is the significance of God in the flesh, God on earth, God among us as Jesus Christ. It’s our way into the sacred through the profane. It’s our way into our holy through a form our current beings can understand. The blood of Jesus, (if we are willing to look beyond the nature of a violent gruesome capital murder because it eventually leads to the most glorious of rebirths), point to an unfathomable sacrificial love. A love so deep and free from any obligation on our part that it pulls us in. Sacrificial love is the ultimate way into connection and vulnerability. That is what exists in the holy places. It is a sanctuary before and with God that is void of any pretense and armor. In that place the unnecessary burdens and cares of this world fall away and we are built up with hope and faith to reenter to love and encourage others.

Through the sacrificial and visceral love of Jesus Christ, we are able to access a vulnerability that cleanses us and builds us up to in turn love and sacrifice others. Without the former, it can feel exhausting and impossible to do the latter. Without the former, it can feel obligatory and unnecessary to do the latter. Without the former, we cannot fully access vulnerability. It’s all about the love. It has to start from there, and we have full access to it.

Prayer: Lord, help me to always play the love, see the love, know the love that is in you. God help me to lay my armor down. God help me to be an encourager instead of a hater. God help me to live in a confidence marked by sacrificial love.

Character: Where have I let doubts and worries tamper my hope?

Grace: What does it feel like when I am in the holy places?

CBG: Exposed

April 27, 2020 — Leave a comment

Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loinclothes. And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man and said to him, “Where are you?” And he said, “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.” He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” The man said, “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.” Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this that you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”

Genesis 3:7-13

Do you remember those days when you ran and danced around not thinking about how others viewed or judged you? You skipped in innocence and a lack of self-consciousness. You didn’t think about hiding because you didn’t even know you were exposed. You didn’t think you were in danger because you had no issue with being you, full and present.

That was what we lost in the garden. That is what we lost when we shifted from being a child feeling completely enough to the planting of the lie that we are not fully worthy. This is what we experience every time we feel judged, we close up, we protect. Often there is a real fear and we need to survive. Not everyone should have access to our most precious parts.

When we choose to hide and protect, is it out of fear or is it out of wisdom? When we close up, are we afraid that someone will see the deepest parts of us because we think they don’t deserve it, they might hurt us or it’s our only form of “power?” Is your protection and hiding actually more work than showing up fully even if it risks vulnerability?

How can we be fully exposed before God? Dear child, God wants it. He wants it! That is the only thing he wants: your full self, uncovered and in acceptance. God is compassionate. God is patient. God is gentle and kind and will draw nearer and nearer. May we not run. May we not blame. May we not continue these cycles of escape and shame. May God remind us that we were made to be exposed fully. Cultivating this relationship and space, is the ultimate education and practice to do it in the presence of others. If God can endure all of us, what can a mere human being do? It’s usually their own projections and insecurities anyway.

Prayer: God where am I hiding and locking in? God where do I need room? Fear and shame have no power in your presence.

Creative: Look at yourself in the mirror for a few minutes. Really look. Who do you see?

Brave: To whom in your life are you hiding from? Why? What would it look like to feel safe in that person’s presence? How can you build that?

Generous: Support a small business or freelancer for Mother’s Day!