vulnerability

CBG: #16

April 5, 2020 — 1 Comment

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit. Therefore, having this ministry by the mercy of God, we do not lose heart. But we have renounced disgraceful, underhanded ways. We refuse to practice cunning or to tamper with God’s word, but by the open statement of truth we would commend ourselves to everyone’s conscience in the sight of God.

2 Corinthians 3:17 – 4:2

Our weekly rhythm of sabbath — to see all we have done and learned and to remember all we have engaged with, because who you are today is not the same as who you were last week. If we are honest, if we can be even a little bit open to the work of God, if we had ventured even a foot into vulnerability and faith, who we are today is closer to we were created to be. The process of sanctification seems unkind until you stop to see what it’s trying to teach you. You are a champ. You are a warrior. You’re in the work. Please give yourself a hug, a kiss, a tap for being brave, creative and generous.

  1. What moment(s) did you feel God’s presence, close and kind?
  2. What moment(s) did you actively push God away?
  3. What emotion has been your friend this week?
  4. Where was joy?
  5. Where was heartbreak?
  6. What is one thing you can bring to next week to step more into your power?

Love to hear your thoughts! xo

CBG COVID Challenge: #2

March 22, 2020 — 1 Comment

Being quarantined in a house with a family has brought up a lot of resentment in me. One, the family is together, planning dinners and game nights, while I am separated from my family and my friends. Two, they can sit back and receive my rent, while I struggle financially and scramble to apply for any employment during this #stayhome season. Three, they seem so happy and it only fuels my own bitterness. What do all these lead to in me? Victimhood. “I have it so much worse.” “No one gets where I’m at.” “Why do I always have to figure things out on my own?” “If this was the end of the world, I don’t want to die with these housemates…” I am a victim.

And a natural step is to continue the cycle of comparison and say, well there are people who have it A LOT worse than me. There are single parents struggling to feed their kids and pay rent. There are families with relatives who have died or are dying. Businesses are closing. Lay offs for people who have worked at a job for over a decade are happening everywhere. So if I want to play the victim card, and then see the state of others in a even grimmer state, I am left with GUILT. While it is helpful, when it gives you perspective to remember those less fortunate, comparison is not the way to get out of a state of victimhood.

What do my resentments reveal? Underneath my “woe is me,” what am I thinking? What is my “victimhood” preserving and protecting? My desires. My hurt. My unmet expectations. Because under the irritation and bitterness are my desires to be with people I love, to have a sense of financial security and to be in joy. All these desires are unmet. And I am scared; and I am hurt. I am sad I don’t have a partner that I’d like to be quarantined with. I am sad that my career after all these years still feels uncertain and stagnant. I realize that my joy is very much wrapped up in circumstances. When I am in this state of thought and meditation, God can work. God can work in our honesty and rawness. He can’t break in fully in our lens of comparison. So what’s the remedy to victimhood? Vulnerability.

Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves one another has fulfilled the law.

Romans 13:8

Prayer: Lay before God your desires, your expectations and your hurt.

Creative: Write a haiku. (5-7-5)

Brave: Let someone know where you’re at, and tell them, you don’t need advice, just a listening ear.

Generous: Venmo $1 to someone to let them know you’re thinking of them, you’re with them!

CBG COVID Challenge: #1

March 21, 2020 — Leave a comment

It is natural and normal to paint the current situation as grim. It is. And it can feel insensitive and fake to simply find the silver lining or to focus on the positive. We as children of God DO NOT and SHOULD NOT do that because God does not silver line or simply zoom past reality to eventual heaven. If anyone and anything exemplifies how to “get through crisis,” it was Jesus f’ng Christ. He lived through humanity aka crisis and pain and hurt. He was with humanity. So as Christians we must set an example of how to live through reality while focusing on the goal and treasure we have already gained. This is our special time to overtly balance things that seem incongruent — here and not yet; fully clean yet needs sanctification; saints and sinners. What would it look like for us to be the truest church today, a church that makes others know and feel, we may be human form but we are Spirit guided.

As I was meditating on what the current situation feels like — anxiety, fear, depression, anger, sorrow, joy, gratitude, the movie Inside Out — I landed on this scripture which I think can be a way in to how we will get through.

For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?

Matthew 16:26

When we have the world, it’s easy to meditate on that scripture and tell ourselves — yes don’t be hoarding, don’t be selfish, meditate on God. We were focused on and we had the world, and we didn’t know it. Until now, when it really feels like we have lost the world. We have. We have lost our plans, our community, our money, our jobs, our hugs, life as we know it. So, now that the world is upside down, I’m going to flip this scripture.

For what will it profit a man if he gains his soul and forfeits the whole world?

That, children of God, is what we have. We have gained our soul and we have lost our world. This special time we have is a time for us to one, meditate and live into what it means to “gain our soul” and two, acknowledge and work through a reality of “forfeiting the world.” Can we do this? Can we do the hard work to shift and mold our character and soul while being real humans about our loss? I think by the Holy Spirit we can and we must!

Not sure if it’s Warren Buffet or Benjamin Graham, one of these old wealthy rich dudes, said to do something creative, brave and generous every day. Through these three categories I hope to make tangible the posture of Matthew 16:26. I also want to share a daily prayer posture. I hope this reset and reframe God has put on humanity will lead to a kinder, more vulnerable, and more overtly interdependent world. We need each other and each other is the funnest way through. Virtually, of course. STAY AWAY FROM PEOPLE!

Prayer: Grief. Be real and honest with God with loss you are experiencing and you see the world around you experiencing. Give it to God, hardcore lay it on God. Take a breath and let God really respond however God does.

Creative: Dance and jam to a song. YAS queen.

Brave: Who can you forgive?

Generous: Pray for someone who annoys you.

Psalm 13: Express your Vengeance

January 19, 2020 — Leave a comment

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

There is nothing wrong with expressing your anger and even your desire for revenge. Sometimes the injustice of the world and your own loneliness are so palpable they overflow into cursing everyone else, especially those who seem to get away with everything. This world has full of those injustices. Those who deserve judgement may never get it. This who are helpless stay in their pits for way too long.

Express it fully.

Speak it out.

How much you want evil to crumple!

How much you want to be pulled out of the cave!

How God has forgotten you.

He hasn’t, but it certainly feels like it.

And your feelings are valid.

Violence is a response to unspoken anger.

Violence is what happens when we bottle it up and the lid explodes uncontrollably.

But if we can honestly express.

Honestly hear what we express.

We might see some of the things we hold as true, are not as true as the fact that —

God will come.

God has come.

God is here and has not left you.

Feel that fully.

Embrace that fully.

Speak out in praise!

John 10: Knowing the Voice

January 13, 2020 — 1 Comment

There are so many damn voices. Loud ones. Sultry alluring ones. Witty and enticing ones. Every voice is vying for our attention. Every voice wants us to listen and follow. Social media. Instagram. All the damn tv shows on all the damn networks. Which voice are we supposed to follow? How do we know? How do we know this is God? How do we know which voices to tune out and which one to tune in to?

We need to know what quiet sounds like. We need to know what complete surrender feels like. We need to be so blank and so silent that there’s a clearing. A nothingness. A lack. A valley. Then in that empty, in that nothing, what voice calls not for anything you can provide but simply for your vulnerability, truthfulness & openness?

What voice makes you feel exposed in a way you’ve longed for but you’ve never felt courageous enough to do to yourself? What voice exposes you so you can see yourself with no shame, no guilt, but with a brave curiosity and desire to shed & become!

W.H. Auden – First to love

August 1, 2019 — Leave a comment

Let the more loving one be me.

The first to say hi. The first to say sorry. The first to ask for forgiveness. The first to smile. The first to sit quietly with. The first to acknowledge I don’t know the answers. The first to notice. The first to reach out after a long period of silence. The first to laugh. The first to hold back tears and let them roll if necessary. The first to love.

Brené Brown – courage

July 29, 2019 — Leave a comment

I feel sick.

That’s what courage feels like.

But it feels so uncomfortable.

That’s what brave feels like.

But do you feel alive?

Embracing the brave and afraid

Not allowing the pull into fear to win

over but standing between and looking ahead at the hope

of an aliveness that frees and allows all of your worth to be set out before the valiant seas

Courage is our call in life

for it brings us out of harm and strife with a sense of gentleness and compassion for others

Courage is the tip of the berg and under the water is the rooted wilderness of vulnerability

Ability to stand in the risk, uncertainty and exposure of emotions

Ability to stand tall and know yet still your worth is secure

and even if I disappoint, even if I fail, even if I am marred and kicked, I can stand up again and say

I was in the arena–

George Saunders – Failures of kindness

July 28, 2019 — Leave a comment

What I regret most in my life are failures of kindness.

It’s hard to put kindness in a box, yet when you’re in the presence of it, you feel it. Some people are naturally kind — what is it? This generosity of spirit? The authenticity of presence? This lack of sauntering their own ego? Their insistence on others’ well-being? All that is part of it. It’s hard to define kindness, yet when you experience it, it transforms you. You too want to be kinder. You feel a little lighter. You feel more capable of being you, nothing more. Being open to kindness is hard because it breaks your insecurities and propensity for evil down. Being open to kindness begins a journey of our own lack towards our true worth. I want to open to kindness. I am open to kindness. It’s my first openness to it that can lead me to my own kindness to others. We love because God first loved us. I am loved. I am love. I can love. I choose to love. I am kind. I choose to be kind. Let us experience heaven here.

Sh*t Christians Don’t Say: Egos

July 9, 2019 — Leave a comment

We all LOVE preaching at the pulpit pride is bad. Pride comes before the fall. Those who are proud will be humbled. We will preach our lungs out about being humble and to set aside yourself, for Jesus… and maybe for others.

Yet do we do that when we engage with someone who challenges our theology, our thought process, our framework? Do we really hold an openness to engage humbly with those who present a different way of thinking?

I am very guilty of wanting immediately to write someone off if they love Trump or say something so overtly racist that my heart aches and I fume. And for many people, they would find no error in my ways. But I really don’t want to be that person. Jesus hung out with people who disdained him, who believed and said very contrary things to him. Yet he managed to hold space. I am not Jesus and I probably could not withhold the pain and harm as well as he did, (well I guess he didn’t either — he died.) But I really want to try. I don’t want my circles to be of people who all think like me. Diversity is so buzzy nowadays, and to that, how broad is our landscape of diversity. Do we have diversity in color, gender, socioeconomics, faith, career, thought and so forth? Look around, do the people you hang with all look, think and act like you?

This is not to say that you should let ANYONE into your inner temple. Nah people need to earn your trust for those inner courts. What does trust entail? Love and safety. Commitment and faithfulness. Forgive the and humility. Vulnerability and an ability to listen. Hopefully a sense of humor and no judgy eyes when I kill a bag of Hot Fries. The last few I added for my specific courts.

But I really do try and it is hard and ever increasingly impossible. It requires breaths and filters and thinking the best of another. It’s hard but thus is life. I’m friends with Christians and heathens alike. But why is it that so many of my Christian friends can not handle conversations where their frameworks are being challenged? It’s as if their faith is in their framework, not in their God. God is rooted. God is unchangeable, but our frameworks can. How does Jesus talk to people? Differently depending on who he is talking to? He’s the same. He has integrity. When I challenge especially white Christians on race, gentrification, and god, white male Christians, on being a woman, I honestly am often met with skepticism and defensiveness. They meet me as if I’m an anomaly and I must prove every point I make. Again that feeds into the fact that YOU ARE IN THE DOMINANCE AND REVERSE RACISM & SEXISM DO NOT EXIST.

Please for the love of God trust that I am not demolishing your worth and your God when we have uncomfortable complicated complex conversations. I am trying to bring us closer, to find a common ground. Stop equating your worth with your mind and thoughts and your life here. That’s your ego. Your EGO should be killed because then you will all the more know your worth and God are still immovable.

Day 58: Put ‘em rules in context bro

February 12, 2019 — Leave a comment

Deuteronomy 15-16; Psalm 58

The laws in this book cover forgiveness, justice, hospitality to those forgotten, taking care of the least of them. Besides the slave part, I’m kind of into these laws. They’re hard to follow — generosity that forgives debts; taking care of foreigners like your own; and so forth. How is it from one book to the next the laws from the same God can seem so different? Context.

If we trust the thesis that God is for us and is good, we have to trust that he is reliable, consistent and knows better than us. In the wilderness, God created boundaries for the people so they could make it out and into the promise land. In the promise land, God creates boundaries for societal and relational healing and health. Out of context boundaries and laws would do harm. I love that about God. Depending on the season we’re in, God guides and leads so we can either get to the promise land or get to slow down.