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Day 50: Gratitude upwards

February 4, 2019 — Leave a comment

Numbers 31-32; Psalm 50

To offer our thanksgiving as sacrifice is to give gratitude away freely. Are there times we withhold thanks? What is sacrifice? Sacrifice is to give something up that could benefit another while subtracting from you. When can giving gratitude and thanksgiving benefit another while taking from yourself? How does it benefit God while lessening ourselves?

In offering thanks, we acknowledge the reason for the good or blessing isn’t us, it’s God. He is the reason for our provision. He is the reason we are alive. He is the reason we have hope and joy in this world. It is not our own doing. We cannot take credit. That humbles us. That puts us in our place. That helps us to stay low and not get a big head. God doesn’t need our material sacrifices or meaningless thanks; he wants us to acknowledge that he is the originator of our lives and our wellbeing.

Day 49: What goes up must come down!

February 3, 2019 — Leave a comment

Numbers 28-30; Psalm 49

Man in his pomp but without understanding will perish like beasts…

How true! Pride will be the death of us all. Pride separates us from our fellow earthlings. Pride makes us think we are floating above ground. Pride acts like protection but makes us irritably defensive. Pride makes us invulnerable.

Where does pride come from? Pride in my work and my country, etc aren’t inherently bad. It’s an appreciation and a love. It’s when that love gets possessive…How does it evolve? Entitlement? Being used to good things and having a grip too tight on it? Thinking that you deserve or should have control of how everything should go? How can we prevent a love from devolving into entitlement?

We must try to love without finding your worth in the thing you love. Because when our worth is dependent on something that can change, if that thing changes, we start to freak out, grip harder and work to make sure that something remains the same. But if we can separate our worth from what we love and what we have, even if those things were to disappear, our reaction would be different. We might go to sadness, anger and grief before pride. And if you can be present with those former emotions, they can move. So yes, be proud of what you are and what you have, but hold those with understanding. Then if they go away, you also won’t go away like a beast.

The only thing we can love that will never never change is God. So that is the one thing we can find our true worth in, without it crushing us!

Day 48: Keep on for Jesus

February 2, 2019 — Leave a comment

Numbers 25-27; Psalm 48

How do people read the Word of God when it feels so far removed from it that it feels more a burden than a blessing? All this fighting and quarreling feels petty and stupid. All this talk about inheritance makes me eye roll — although I see The foreshadowing as well of Boaz and Ruth, the prodigal sin, and Jesus making himself our inheritance. Alright, alright. The laying of the foundation for what is to come. Because thankfully what still keeps me in the faith, however we define it in this judgmental culture, is Jesus and the gospel: good news. What keeps me reading is the showing up of Jesus who was radical AF. Who didn’t talk about wars but more told us to take care of the poor by doing it himself? He isn’t petty. He’s brutally honest and funny and compassionate. I see how people can separate the God of the OT and the God of the NT. Well God and Jesus are different, and the same. They express different sides of compassion, justice and priorities. They show the 3-dimensional look of life and emotions.

But I’m struggling to keep doing this. I’m bored. I expected this reading to open me in a way to see God differently. Well, I guess it has. He’s bigger than the Bible. He’s more than the Bible. A mirror only reflects a person, but isn’t the person. God isn’t the Bible. The Bible reflects him and right now its reflections seem like a mirror held far away. My God is still a big badass caring motherfucker and with all the damn violence in the OT, you can cuss.

Day 47: Ugh. Over it

February 1, 2019 — Leave a comment

Numbers 22-24; Psalm 47

Do you ever read the Bible and just don’t care? Nothing resonates. It’s a petty text. I’m here eye-rolling and the Psalm tells me to shout with you. I’m annoyed. I’m kind of over the Bible. Is it with this specific text or is it with this devotional? I’m over it. I’m skimming now. Where’s the good part? Where’s Jesus? This text is so up it’s own butt hole it doesn’t know what’s going on in the world.

God are you mad I’m honest? Don’t you already know? You are bigger than my irritation. You are laughing with me. God is big. Humans are narrow. Humans like rules. God breaks them.

Day 46: Poor Moses

January 31, 2019 — Leave a comment

Numbers 19-21; Psalm 46

Sometimes our leaders get angry and do something they’re not supposed to and fall. Sometimes our leaders want our good so much, or they think they do, they do something off. It happens and yes they are human and they should be forgiven, but there are consequences. Sometimes they don’t get to go to the Promise Land. Sometimes they are humbled and become just like one of us. Sometimes they are fully restored like King David. Sometimes they die like Judas. Who knows why? It sometimes feels really unfair? Why do some get away with it? Why do some get forgiven? Why do some die? I don’t know and I wish I had the answer, too.

So you just be on the look out for your own behavior. You stand with integrity. Instead of only pointing the finger and exclaiming how these leaders have failed, what’s the lesson? Where can you take ownership? It should humble you. See the only place you can’t fall from is the ground.

Day 45: You are a gift

January 30, 2019 — Leave a comment

Numbers 17-18; Psalm 45

God gives the priesthood as a gift to the people. They are appointed with such a specific purpose to be one of blessing and something to generously given. Can we see our lives as such? Can we see wherever we are as a gift to those around us, whether they are under our care or our neighbor? Can we trust that our position and our roles in our community must be seen as a gift?!! You are a gift. You are to be enjoyed and treasured. You are to bring joy. You are to radiate. You are able to change moods. You are able to meet needs. You are able to build connection. You are a gift. Live as such. Live like you are worthy and beautiful. Live like your purpose is fully endowed. Live like you are a gift.

Who’s the gift for? Who asked for the gift? Is this where your calling lies? Is this where your purpose shows up? Who needs you? Is that your community? Who enjoys you? Is that the people you are to generously give your time to? Not in a sick sexual way. Get your minds out of the gutter.

Who can you bless?

Who can you make happy?

Who can you make special?

Because you can and you do!

Day 44: Living on the edge of glory

January 29, 2019 — Leave a comment

Numbers 14-16; Psalm 44

Sometimes we are so stripped down from all our comforts and thrown into the wilderness simply called to trust, that it brings out the nastiest of things. With no material and physical thing to hide behind, we are exposed and see the ugliness in our hearts. It can bring up fights, distrust, relational dissonance, melodrama and so forth. It is super uncomfortable to be exposed. It is harrowing to hold onto nothing but God and a supposed future hope. It feels naked. It feels at times not right. Shouldn’t faith and being with God kook peaceful and easy? Didn’t he promise to bless us? Didn’t he promise to be with us?

My prayer for me and for you is that God’s adventure for us makes us bold and courageous warriors. That we own up to our fears and doubts and sorrow. That we beg and beg for continual faith and provision. That we never lose hope that tomorrow can and will be better. I pray that our radiant faith shines here and makes those around us wonder how it is possible for us with so little and so little security, joyful and vulnerable. I pray that we are in states that demand faithful living, like the kind where you’re always on the brink of breaking and any breath of fresh air feels a million bucks. Now that’s living on the edge.

In our fear and anger, may we not take it out on others. I always do. Forgive me. Help me.

Day 43: Romanticizing the past

January 28, 2019 — Leave a comment

Numbers 11-13; Psalm 43

On lonely nights I remember my ex fondly. I remember how we were innocent kids who shared dreams and drinks. I remember how he told me I was beautiful and that he would marry me one day. And I miss him and I start to think that maybe it could really still work out for him. Of course I forget all my crying, all our fights, all the awful things that can’t be unsaid. Of course I forget the aching pain of leaving someone who you know doesn’t care for you the same way. The pains become foggy and I romanticize the past. Don’t we all do that when we’re unhappy with our current state but don’t have a viable future ahead? Don’t we romanticize the past when we feel stuck right now and not sure if things are really going to turn out better in the future? And I plead with you, that when you start to play those fairytales and whine about going back to places you’ve been freed from, take a moment and breathe. I know you’re sad and afraid and lonely and doubting. I know it’s scary and the future is uncertain. Sometimes it feels better to settle for some hurt than be where we are right now, alone. Sometimes I’d rather have a beautiful 6 hour night and deal with the 6 heartbreaking days of withdrawal after. But I plead with you in those moments to cry, to ask for help, to be honest, instead of going back. I always go back and I always feel pain. God help me! God help me to trust when I’m afraid. God help me be vulnerable with my longings. God help me to be real and honest. God thank you for freeing me. Help me to see that this freedom is better than previous shackles.

Day 42: Get low

January 27, 2019 — Leave a comment

Numbers 8-10; Psalm 42

Deeps calls to deep. Don’t be afraid of the deep moments that bring us into spaces of unknown and darkness. Whether life does it or you do it to yourself, there can be good in that hole. It really is at our most downcast, confused and heartbreaking times that we can draw out our deepest desires and hopes. When we are downcast, we are to allow for it. Allow for the questions. Allows for the sadness and sorrow and tears. We are called to remember what God has done for us, even if it feels more like past stories than present realities. We are called to ask ourselves what is wrong? We are called to ask God to take us out? We are allowed these moments of melodrama because it’s for the sake of hope we mourn. We mourn because we know hope is the better and realer reality. We mourn the current when we trust that the future holds a confident good. Mourn away and be on the ground, but look up at the hope that draws you another day.

And one last thought, the Levite’s, the priests, were given to the people as a gift. Are our modern day priests gifts to the people or are they more like burdens? Are people blessed by the presence of those who deem to know God?

Day 41: Fuck order and embrace outsiders

January 26, 2019 — Leave a comment

Numbers 5-7; Psalm 41

Honestly I’m in Bible reading fatigue. How many more passages do I need to read insisting on our uncleanliness and God’s holiness? How many more passages are there about women being less than men? No wonder this is such a hard concept for so many to undo. It’s been preached at them again and again, that even if they don’t overly treat women as less than, they do. Women take the blame. Women are guilty. They are considered under the authority of their husband? Why? These verses out of context create abusive and unfair relationships. What is the purpose of this? And for the last time, please do not justify injustice with a call on order. Who created this order? Who does it protect? Is it enough that the only justification for something are a few verses in a book that was written a few thousand years ago? Your heart, your community and your world tell you one thing, but you insist on another because of a verse in the Bible.

There are still countries that consider being gay a crime. That is implorable. Christians add to that hate. Christians use the Bible to justify their order and oppression. Is God not bigger than our desires and sexuality? Does he not have room for fluidity? Has Jesus not set us free to love beyond borders? Doesn’t Jesus remind us to be with the most vulnerable, love the most vulnerable, be the most vulnerable. Society, this wicked society, might seem you an outsider. Outsiders were often the righteous ones in Jesus’ eyes. Outsiders that had little material worth, but had complete identity worth and stories.