John 13: Out of everything we serve

January 15, 2020 — Leave a comment

Jesus knowing that God had given everything to him, gets on his knees to wash his disciples feet. His act of service flows from abundance, from knowing that he lacks nothing and from knowing his cup has everything. His act of service is not to get anything or to prove anything. It is simply out of abundance and love.

What motivates us to serve? What motivates us to give? Is it out of knowing that we already have everything or is it out of trying to get something?

You ever get that icky feeling when someone tries to help you. Like you owe them something? You ever get that icky feeling when you try to help? And you have a slight, maybe minuscule feeling of bitterness when your service isn’t acknowledged? Our service and generosity MUST flow from an inner abundance and fullness so that all we do is not to get, but simply to exist. Without the inner abundance and security, everything we do has a disclaimer or a need.

What areas of your life do you feel lack? How can God fill those so we don’t attempt to be the filled by those in this world?

John 12: “Evangelism”

January 14, 2020 — Leave a comment

He has blinded their eyes

and hardened their heart,

lest they see with their eyes,

and understand with their heart, and turn,

and I would heal them.

There is a gentleness in God’s constant, hard pursuit of us. He doesn’t push his way in or sneak through the back. Like a shepherd who knows his sheep, he simply walks through the door. He doesn’t push his way in when we are closing ourselves. He doesn’t plead and beg for us to believe. God simply presents, and comes back and presents and waits patiently for us. Even when all the signs and words and every thing of this world points to him, he doesn’t make a glaring neon sign to draw attention. God simply is. He simply trusts. She simply waits with open arms.

Yet why is our evangelism nowadays so brutal and offensive? Why do we insist on pushing our way through closed doors, making it more about OUR WORK rather than the people we seemingly love?

Can we carry into our love and pursuit for others, gentleness, faith & patience? It is not US who can open any hearts or eyes. It is GOD. Our job is to simply draw attention, draw out curiosity and then point it all back to Jesus.

John 10: Knowing the Voice

January 13, 2020 — 1 Comment

There are so many damn voices. Loud ones. Sultry alluring ones. Witty and enticing ones. Every voice is vying for our attention. Every voice wants us to listen and follow. Social media. Instagram. All the damn tv shows on all the damn networks. Which voice are we supposed to follow? How do we know? How do we know this is God? How do we know which voices to tune out and which one to tune in to?

We need to know what quiet sounds like. We need to know what complete surrender feels like. We need to be so blank and so silent that there’s a clearing. A nothingness. A lack. A valley. Then in that empty, in that nothing, what voice calls not for anything you can provide but simply for your vulnerability, truthfulness & openness?

What voice makes you feel exposed in a way you’ve longed for but you’ve never felt courageous enough to do to yourself? What voice exposes you so you can see yourself with no shame, no guilt, but with a brave curiosity and desire to shed & become!

Psalms 6 – 9: oh Lord…how long?

January 11, 2020 — Leave a comment

The ache and the rejoice are neighbors. The desire for God and the anger of the world are complementary. The recounting of God’s presence and the feeling of God’s absence fuel each other. We live in this tension of want and have, of yes Lord and where are you Lord? Maybe there are no peaks and valleys, only journey in the present.

The presence and calling of God calls forth all our emotions. God forces us to self-reflect. The moment we want vengeance, we also see our own faults. We cannot see the speck in another without seeing the plank in ourselves. So what then? Have your say and have your feel. However end with trusting that God is sovereign and we are only responsible for doing our parts that are led by justice, righteousness, gratitude and wholehearted surrender.

God I pray for self-awareness in the stead of self-pity. I pray for vulnerability in the stead of bitterness and fear. God I pray for an overflow of trust in you even when I cannot see and cannot hear because when I recount where I am now, I know you have been with me till now. Amen.

Joy

August 5, 2019 — Leave a comment

A manual on how to hurt

Navigate the silence and strangling of imminent gray, a gray that shades the colors of life to a muted fade

The inability to understand and rationalize the heaving chest and heavy eyes

The pressure to push it all away

A manual on how to hurt pt II

Hold

Embrace

Sit quietly

Hold

Embrace

Accept

Hold

A highway into glimpses of the good times of the past and how they mirrored good things yet to come

Hold

Embrace

Sit

Dare to cry

Dare to laugh

A manual on how to laugh

A guide on how to heal.

W.H. Auden – First to love

August 1, 2019 — Leave a comment

Let the more loving one be me.

The first to say hi. The first to say sorry. The first to ask for forgiveness. The first to smile. The first to sit quietly with. The first to acknowledge I don’t know the answers. The first to notice. The first to reach out after a long period of silence. The first to laugh. The first to hold back tears and let them roll if necessary. The first to love.

Brené Brown – courage

July 29, 2019 — Leave a comment

I feel sick.

That’s what courage feels like.

But it feels so uncomfortable.

That’s what brave feels like.

But do you feel alive?

Embracing the brave and afraid

Not allowing the pull into fear to win

over but standing between and looking ahead at the hope

of an aliveness that frees and allows all of your worth to be set out before the valiant seas

Courage is our call in life

for it brings us out of harm and strife with a sense of gentleness and compassion for others

Courage is the tip of the berg and under the water is the rooted wilderness of vulnerability

Ability to stand in the risk, uncertainty and exposure of emotions

Ability to stand tall and know yet still your worth is secure

and even if I disappoint, even if I fail, even if I am marred and kicked, I can stand up again and say

I was in the arena–

George Saunders – Failures of kindness

July 28, 2019 — Leave a comment

What I regret most in my life are failures of kindness.

It’s hard to put kindness in a box, yet when you’re in the presence of it, you feel it. Some people are naturally kind — what is it? This generosity of spirit? The authenticity of presence? This lack of sauntering their own ego? Their insistence on others’ well-being? All that is part of it. It’s hard to define kindness, yet when you experience it, it transforms you. You too want to be kinder. You feel a little lighter. You feel more capable of being you, nothing more. Being open to kindness is hard because it breaks your insecurities and propensity for evil down. Being open to kindness begins a journey of our own lack towards our true worth. I want to open to kindness. I am open to kindness. It’s my first openness to it that can lead me to my own kindness to others. We love because God first loved us. I am loved. I am love. I can love. I choose to love. I am kind. I choose to be kind. Let us experience heaven here.

Ross Gay – The joining of sorrow as joy

July 27, 2019 — Leave a comment

Is sorrow the true wild? What if we joined our sorrows? What if, what if…What if that is joy?

Why do we go into the wild? Because deep down we believe that there is something in the wild that will make us more alive, help us see greatness and put us in our rightful place. In the wild you may get hurt, you may get lost, you may cry and long for home. You will doubt why you took the journey in the first place. You might not even have a destination so it’s by faith to know when the adventure stops. But each thing you encounter might be the complete reason for why you came out into the wild. Each step could be it. Each look. Each feel. Each moment could be that moment.

The wilderness of sorrow is full of thorns, of ungardened weeds that have crowded my soul. I now take my sword, my boots and my everything and go into the places that will break my heart, and lead me to the pool of wholeness I was made to swim in.

Sorrows I’m afraid to deal with: abandonment by my family, my fear of intimacy, my body conscious mind, my propensity to exchange joys for comparison

Sh*t Christians Don’t Say: Dis-honor Ma & Pa

July 12, 2019 — Leave a comment

Honor your mother and father. One of the 10 commandments. Growing up hearing this over and over again, against the backdrop of a father who tried to kill me with a chair and a mother who shamed me for how dark my skin is, was difficult. Honor your mother and father. I would look up passages and search and ask to see if there was any way around this commandment. How could I honor people who harmed me? How could I continue to honor those that made me feel invisible and small?

When I tell people I’m not close to my family, people say I get that, me too. Then those same people proceed to share how they’re going on vacay with their family or how their dad sent them an article to read. I am not close to my family. They don’t ask me questions. They don’t know when I’m sad. We sit quietly at home, like true strangers in the facade of relatedness.

When I tell people, I don’t like my family. I often get, they’re doing the best they can. If you want to, you can. They’re parents etc. I’m a grown woman and my drunk dad told me I’m a disappointment and he’s been tolerating me. I’m a grown woman and as I leave to go back to LA, my dad doesn’t make eye contact with me, but instead as I’m leaving, says I’m a liar. I have no integrity. Yeah. I had written him a card saying when I was in New York I would take him out to eat. I forgot and I didn’t follow through. That’s my fault. But instead of bringing it up, he aggressively calls me a liar and shamed me as I leave. And the only reason why I know it has something to do with this meal promise is because my mom later sends me 15 voice mails about how I failed there. Yes. I didn’t follow through and fine, I lied. I made a promise and I failed. But is the way to deal with me to shame me, yell at me and make me truly never want to take him out for a meal? Also why does he want that when he doesn’t even talk to me when I’m home? He does nothing but mutter under his breath how I suck and then drink. It’s not even 9am.

When I tell people, I hate my family, I feel judged. I believe people think I’m being dramatic and callous. My parents are immigrants who sacrificed so much for me. And now there is never room for me to hate them. At what point am I no longer held to this filial obligation for something I had no control over? How much shame, fear and anger must I endure for me to have enough reason to draw my boundaries.

Honor your mother and father. I feel shame around that commandment. I feel that I will never do that enough. Is me coming home every time even after such horrific times, good enough? That’s my version of forgiveness but I can’t forget. It’s in my body. I’m miserable when I’m home. I want to cry but there’s no where to cry and as I’m writing this on the subway, I have to be careful that the floodgates don’t suddenly open.

How do I DIStance myself and not DisHonor? Does that make you more comfortable? If I never see my parents again, I really would not be sad. They haven’t been part of my life. When I think of my blood family, I am filled with grief, hurt, sadness and fear. I don’t like who I become. I don’t like how trapped I feel. Am I allowed to DISHonor my parents? Truth is, they probably already see me as a dishonorable dishonest daughter.