freedom

CBG: #15

April 4, 2020 — 1 Comment

The next day, as they were on their journey and approaching the city, Peter went up on the housetop about the sixth hour to pray. And he became hungry and wanted something to eat, but while they were preparing it, he fell into a trance and saw the heavens opened and something like a great sheet descending being let down by its four corners upon the earth. In it were all kinds of animals and reptiles and birds of the air. And there came a voice to him, “Rise, Peter, kill and eat.” But Peter said, “By no means, Lord; for I have never eating anything that is common or unclean.” And the voice came to him again a second time, “What God has made clean, do not call common.” This happened three times, and the thing was taken up at once to heaven.

Acts 10:9-16

Vegetarians and vegans, bye! And the rest of us, please do not eat bats! Okay, I’m kidding, and if you can’t handle some Bible humor, please take a breath and maybe start because the Bible is kind of hilarious. No, I don’t think the heart of this passage is about literally what we eat. However, it’s a great analogy because all of humanity understands this need.

Nor is this passage about throwing away former customs and cultures to fulfill whatever present need. It’s not about a blaise way of living that fits how you’re feeling in the moment. It’s about looking for patterns and affirmations from God, which requires asking and listening. The heart of the message happened three times. Did God really say that, again and again? It’s a reflection on what cultures and ideas we’ve held to for identity. Why have we held onto these ideas? Are they good? Are they necessary? Were they once good and necessary, and now no longer? It’s about adapting our way of living through an increased intimacy with God. It’s not changing God to fit our life; it’s understanding deeper the goodness and kindness and compassion and wideness of God, in order to live a fuller and freer life. Our lives should reflect inclusivity and flexibility, in all times, so that it points back to a God who has truly created us for such a moment as now to be of service and of calling.

Prayer: God show me the areas I can loosen up and receive more.

Creative: Listen to music that celebrates who you are.

Brave: Where have you not allowed yourself to celebrate? Celebrate!

Generous: Can you give an hour of your time to someone?

CBG: #9

March 29, 2020 — 1 Comment

Indeed, in this case, what once had glory had come to have no glory at all, because of the glory that surpasses it. For if what was being brought to an end came with glory, much more will what is permanent have glory. Since we have such a hope, we are very bold, not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face so that the Israelites might not gaze at the outcome of what was being brought to an end. But their minds were hardened. For to this day, when they read the old covenant, that same veil remains unlifted, because only through Christ is it taken away. Yes, to this day whenever Moses is read a veil lies over their hearts. But when one turns to the Lord, the veil is removed. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.

2 Corinthians 3:10-18

Let’s have this weekly rhythm of an unveiling, a reflection, an inventory of ourselves. In the presence of God, we can be exposed without judgment. The sin in the garden was the hiding due to shame. We do not need to hide. We can cast away shame. Doing this reflection consistently, does not only reveal how you are shifting from glory to glory, but the catapult to shifting. You are in the process of sanctification you champion! This kind of heart work is creative, brave & generous.

  1. What question(s) were you attempting to answer?
  2. What emotion(s) were most present?
  3. When did you feel the presence of God’s peace & calm? Who were you with? What were you doing?
  4. What brought you joy?
  5. What revealed your heartbreak?
  6. What is one change you can make this week to create more safety, unity and kindness for yourself and others?

Drop an answer in the comment. We are in this journey together!

Brené Brown – courage

July 29, 2019 — Leave a comment

I feel sick.

That’s what courage feels like.

But it feels so uncomfortable.

That’s what brave feels like.

But do you feel alive?

Embracing the brave and afraid

Not allowing the pull into fear to win

over but standing between and looking ahead at the hope

of an aliveness that frees and allows all of your worth to be set out before the valiant seas

Courage is our call in life

for it brings us out of harm and strife with a sense of gentleness and compassion for others

Courage is the tip of the berg and under the water is the rooted wilderness of vulnerability

Ability to stand in the risk, uncertainty and exposure of emotions

Ability to stand tall and know yet still your worth is secure

and even if I disappoint, even if I fail, even if I am marred and kicked, I can stand up again and say

I was in the arena–

George Saunders – Failures of kindness

July 28, 2019 — Leave a comment

What I regret most in my life are failures of kindness.

It’s hard to put kindness in a box, yet when you’re in the presence of it, you feel it. Some people are naturally kind — what is it? This generosity of spirit? The authenticity of presence? This lack of sauntering their own ego? Their insistence on others’ well-being? All that is part of it. It’s hard to define kindness, yet when you experience it, it transforms you. You too want to be kinder. You feel a little lighter. You feel more capable of being you, nothing more. Being open to kindness is hard because it breaks your insecurities and propensity for evil down. Being open to kindness begins a journey of our own lack towards our true worth. I want to open to kindness. I am open to kindness. It’s my first openness to it that can lead me to my own kindness to others. We love because God first loved us. I am loved. I am love. I can love. I choose to love. I am kind. I choose to be kind. Let us experience heaven here.

Sh*t Christians Don’t Say: Dis-honor Ma & Pa

July 12, 2019 — Leave a comment

Honor your mother and father. One of the 10 commandments. Growing up hearing this over and over again, against the backdrop of a father who tried to kill me with a chair and a mother who shamed me for how dark my skin is, was difficult. Honor your mother and father. I would look up passages and search and ask to see if there was any way around this commandment. How could I honor people who harmed me? How could I continue to honor those that made me feel invisible and small?

When I tell people I’m not close to my family, people say I get that, me too. Then those same people proceed to share how they’re going on vacay with their family or how their dad sent them an article to read. I am not close to my family. They don’t ask me questions. They don’t know when I’m sad. We sit quietly at home, like true strangers in the facade of relatedness.

When I tell people, I don’t like my family. I often get, they’re doing the best they can. If you want to, you can. They’re parents etc. I’m a grown woman and my drunk dad told me I’m a disappointment and he’s been tolerating me. I’m a grown woman and as I leave to go back to LA, my dad doesn’t make eye contact with me, but instead as I’m leaving, says I’m a liar. I have no integrity. Yeah. I had written him a card saying when I was in New York I would take him out to eat. I forgot and I didn’t follow through. That’s my fault. But instead of bringing it up, he aggressively calls me a liar and shamed me as I leave. And the only reason why I know it has something to do with this meal promise is because my mom later sends me 15 voice mails about how I failed there. Yes. I didn’t follow through and fine, I lied. I made a promise and I failed. But is the way to deal with me to shame me, yell at me and make me truly never want to take him out for a meal? Also why does he want that when he doesn’t even talk to me when I’m home? He does nothing but mutter under his breath how I suck and then drink. It’s not even 9am.

When I tell people, I hate my family, I feel judged. I believe people think I’m being dramatic and callous. My parents are immigrants who sacrificed so much for me. And now there is never room for me to hate them. At what point am I no longer held to this filial obligation for something I had no control over? How much shame, fear and anger must I endure for me to have enough reason to draw my boundaries.

Honor your mother and father. I feel shame around that commandment. I feel that I will never do that enough. Is me coming home every time even after such horrific times, good enough? That’s my version of forgiveness but I can’t forget. It’s in my body. I’m miserable when I’m home. I want to cry but there’s no where to cry and as I’m writing this on the subway, I have to be careful that the floodgates don’t suddenly open.

How do I DIStance myself and not DisHonor? Does that make you more comfortable? If I never see my parents again, I really would not be sad. They haven’t been part of my life. When I think of my blood family, I am filled with grief, hurt, sadness and fear. I don’t like who I become. I don’t like how trapped I feel. Am I allowed to DISHonor my parents? Truth is, they probably already see me as a dishonorable dishonest daughter.

Sh*t Christians Don’t Say: Masturbation

June 26, 2019 — Leave a comment

I was 17 when I grabbed Nick A’s crotch and asked him if he was having an orgasm. He wasn’t, I don’t think…could my innocent Christian hands coming in contact with his vulnerable gems make him cum..? Anyway, the point is, I had no idea what orgasms were. I probably heard it in passing and here I was drunkenly letting my suppressed curiosity bust out.

And of course innocent, save myself for marriage teenage self, won a sex basket my freshman year in college. It had lube and condoms and I think TWO vibrators. I never win raffles but God thought this was the surprise I needed in my life. Then I proceeded to have sex for many years, and I think I never had an orgasm. It’s no one’s fault. I didn’t know. They didn’t know. We all moaned along so no feelings were hurt and relationships were preserved. I didn’t know my body well enough and I didn’t know who to turn to to ask about how to feel my very best. We all want to come but we don’t know who to go to. At least I didn’t. I was already dealing with a low grade of Christian guilt having sex before marriage, so I wasn’t about to really welcome the devil by really accessing all the feels.

I got a purple vibrator in the mission after college, as most do when you’re free and in San Francisco. D. A. M. N. That was what I was missing this whole time. Why would God give me a sensual biological needy body and prevent me from enjoying it fully? Why would God create the opportunities for climax when we are taught to only walk through the valleys of shadow and death? Is our Christian obsession with suffering so evasive it’s blocked out access to peak human living and loving, may I say?

Then I really had a Jesus encounter when I moved to LA. I will never forget God’s full embrace of bitter, lonely, lost Nancy. I will never forget the feeling of someone having my back, always. I will never forget my response of, alright, I’m yours. Tell me what’s next. And thus led into my long beautiful journey with the Christian church. I met the bestest of people who are my dearest of friends. I’ve had ideas of family redeemed. I’ve learned the difference between forgiveness, reconciliation and forgetting. I’ve also tucked myself into a narrow hole of sexual repression in the name of boundaries for the name of said Christ. If I am to truly follow Jesus, I am to lay myself down, ignore my bodily impulses, not be selfish and wait to come with another. Masturbation required list and lust was sin. Masturbation is self indulgent and true Christians put others first. Sexual acts, regardless of the number of parties required, are reserved for covenants. Single, you WAIT and ENDURE till you get to the merry other side. And we all know the other side is equally fucked.

But I was a leader. I was a FOLLOWER. I loved Jesus. I spent days and months googling, is masturbation a sin? Can I masturbate without lust? Does masturbation really ruin my future marriage? And after my solo google research, I confessed my sin of self pleasure and tossed away my beautiful vibrator.

And I stopped masturbating. So I stopped lusting and felt complete in Christ alone in my singleness. The end. SAID NO ONE EVER.

I got myself a new sleek AF vibrator. I would vibrate with a blank mind, with nothing but presence, and still come. I would vibrate with pop music. Still came. Sometimes, yes, I did think about a dude I had the hots for and yes I still came. Is that really SO BAD? Am I really using the dude by making him the center of my affections and body exploration? I don’t know. I don’t feel guilt. I feel like a child with a lot to learn. I still feel really shy, but I’m also proud my body works and I get to be a woman who also has the right to come. Why would God make us with a clitoris and g-spot? To dangle them under us all day and night to tempt us, to test us, to see how much we can suppress and repress?

Are there dangers to masturbation? There were nights when I felt really shitty and lonely and dealt with it by vibing. Maybe I band-aided my pain with a little self-love? There was one night I made plans with a guy and before meeting him I had a little fun and actually didn’t want to see him anymore. Damn it, did I feel content without said guy who was actually not good for me?!

Why is the church so afraid of me getting to know my body when we so readily forgive a dude from jacking off because HE JUST CAN’T biologically help it?! What kind of patriarchal blatant bull shit is that? How is my exploration and owning of my body a threat to your family/marriage structure? Are you afraid that you can’t control me with your singleness is a gift sweet nothings? Are you afraid that if I masturbate, I might not see the beauty of marriage? Sweet audience, I can’t wait to get married and bone my hubby all day and night and you know what, me getting to know my body now, will be a gift to my marriage.

xo

Day 57: Tired

February 11, 2019 — Leave a comment

Deuteronomy 13-14; Psalm 57

God tests us…to see whether we will be tempted by other Gods…to see if we really love him…Now if God were human I would say he was a jealous mofo, kind of sneaky and manipulative and has some trust issues. Nobody’s trying to holler at this kind of God. Alright if God is not all these negative emotion, what is he like?

I love God dwelling within us.

Day 44: Living on the edge of glory

January 29, 2019 — Leave a comment

Numbers 14-16; Psalm 44

Sometimes we are so stripped down from all our comforts and thrown into the wilderness simply called to trust, that it brings out the nastiest of things. With no material and physical thing to hide behind, we are exposed and see the ugliness in our hearts. It can bring up fights, distrust, relational dissonance, melodrama and so forth. It is super uncomfortable to be exposed. It is harrowing to hold onto nothing but God and a supposed future hope. It feels naked. It feels at times not right. Shouldn’t faith and being with God kook peaceful and easy? Didn’t he promise to bless us? Didn’t he promise to be with us?

My prayer for me and for you is that God’s adventure for us makes us bold and courageous warriors. That we own up to our fears and doubts and sorrow. That we beg and beg for continual faith and provision. That we never lose hope that tomorrow can and will be better. I pray that our radiant faith shines here and makes those around us wonder how it is possible for us with so little and so little security, joyful and vulnerable. I pray that we are in states that demand faithful living, like the kind where you’re always on the brink of breaking and any breath of fresh air feels a million bucks. Now that’s living on the edge.

In our fear and anger, may we not take it out on others. I always do. Forgive me. Help me.

Day 43: Romanticizing the past

January 28, 2019 — Leave a comment

Numbers 11-13; Psalm 43

On lonely nights I remember my ex fondly. I remember how we were innocent kids who shared dreams and drinks. I remember how he told me I was beautiful and that he would marry me one day. And I miss him and I start to think that maybe it could really still work out for him. Of course I forget all my crying, all our fights, all the awful things that can’t be unsaid. Of course I forget the aching pain of leaving someone who you know doesn’t care for you the same way. The pains become foggy and I romanticize the past. Don’t we all do that when we’re unhappy with our current state but don’t have a viable future ahead? Don’t we romanticize the past when we feel stuck right now and not sure if things are really going to turn out better in the future? And I plead with you, that when you start to play those fairytales and whine about going back to places you’ve been freed from, take a moment and breathe. I know you’re sad and afraid and lonely and doubting. I know it’s scary and the future is uncertain. Sometimes it feels better to settle for some hurt than be where we are right now, alone. Sometimes I’d rather have a beautiful 6 hour night and deal with the 6 heartbreaking days of withdrawal after. But I plead with you in those moments to cry, to ask for help, to be honest, instead of going back. I always go back and I always feel pain. God help me! God help me to trust when I’m afraid. God help me be vulnerable with my longings. God help me to be real and honest. God thank you for freeing me. Help me to see that this freedom is better than previous shackles.

Day 39: C’est le vie Leviticus

January 24, 2019 — Leave a comment

Leviticus 26-27; Psalm 39

The valuation of humans in this section is implorable. The sacrifices in this book are weird AF. Relative to the other sacrifices happening around, the context the Israelites are in in this world of sacrifices to the Gods, this May seem radical. But if something is ugly but it’s not as ugly as the thing next to it, does it make it less ugly? Yes I understand the heart of this is about how pure and holy God is and how wicked and childish we are, but really…? Goodness the valuation of humans — men more than women, adults better than youth, the power of the priests to determine how much a person is worth. Bible scholars tell me how this is good? Don’t tell me, in other cultures women were valued at 0 so now that they’re 30 shekels, it’s pretty cool! Wtf.

Tell me this is all a set up to prove how amazing Jesus is. In Jesus women and children and sojourners are valued just the same, if maybe even more… they’re not valued more because they’re worth more, but in a patriarchal, misogynistic, ageist society, valuing something more just gives them a fair chance. You don’t need to value what’s already in the power seat. They are the status quo. We have to value the vulnerable to give them the room and space. Tell me Leviticus exists to point to the simplicity, justice and power of Jesus. Tell me this weird as F chapter points to how radical Jesus is. But is Jesus radical only in relativism? Or is he truly radical objectively?